There was a period of time in my life, just recently, where I suffered from a burnt-out.
Alfi said I needed to focus and probably I will get things done. In a way, when he said that to me, I was a little upset.

I know he meant well, always giving me the motivation because he knows my limit is never to put myself a limit.
I am famous for pushing myself which I think I got that from my late dad.

I tried managing and dividing my time nicely but somehow things do not work like a clockwork.
With a family, 2 kids and a job, there is always something cropping up at the undesired timing.

I would plan to do Her Closet mail outs every morning before work and then head down to the office.
Lunch and then head home. Dinner, chill, settle the kids and when they tuck in, I will work on Her Closet.
Weekends are allocated strictly for tuition in the morning with the rest of the day strictly for family.

Sounds easy.

In reality, it isn't.

There can be instances where the kids are not well. Or I have an early morning meeting offsite and cannot do my mailing. Tuition has to be shifted because of family commitment. Orders cannot be replied because the moment the kids sleep, I will be right next to them sleeping.

Even on weekends, everyone seeks your time that it is very challenging just to have some nice time with your own family of 4.

So it is tough.

I was so burnt out that I made a plan. A plan to quit my corporate job and focus on entrepreneurship.
Alfi is a business consultant who advises a lot of SMEs daily so he is a free asset to me and I thought with my passion and his guidance, we would make a good team.
Plus, I had it with work. There was no work-life balance at probably the salary I am getting. Work had its own issues and it really pulled me down.
All i wanted to do was to go home and see my children because they never fail to lift that huge burden off my shoulders.
I enjoy giving them their evening showers, play with them, make them milk, wash them with every dirty diaper and at the same time, making sure Alfi had everything he needed to make himself comfortable at home.
It made me feel like a SUPER Mom.

So on 28th June was the day I had planned to 'throw letter'. I am so confident that I would make it on my own with tuition/enrichment classes, Her Closet and blogging. Social media is my forte and I knew with the focus, it could work much more for me.
Alfi & I sat down and calculated the risks and advantages.

It seemed like a very good plan. Send out my resignation letter, serve my one month notice and it was time to move back to my home in Ang Mo Kio.
It would be a fresh beginning for me and the kids. They would wake up to see me every morning. To date, Rania still wake up crying at times but always looking for me every single morning. I had no heart to bring myself to work (though when I am at work, the brain works differently)

But I was very geared up. I shared these plans with some close relatives and friends and they were very supportive.
For me, it was not an easy way out. It was a plan I thought was wise. A plan better for the family.

Come 28th, Alfi was in Hawaii. I called him to say if it is ok to 'throw letter'.
He told me to hold it. His instincts have always been right so I did not question (though I really wish I could but I was not in to spark off another baseless session).

I held my letter back.

I held my letter back but everyday I question what was in store for me. It did not take me long to find the answer.
We believe He is the best planner of our lives. So I have learnt to accept and move forward, keeping the valuables things in life close to my heart.

I always smile when I see the siblings interact with each other. How they would play (rough most times and I will rarely mediate).




How we our lives have changed so much just by having these wonderful gifts from Him




And most of all, I love how my children cling to me like I am their lifeline.
Nothing beats the unconditional love I get from both of them.




Life is always a struggle and a never-ending challenge. It will never change.
It is a promise for us on this Earth. But I am always so thankful of the gifts, the mercy and the love He gives me.

It makes my journey more bearable.
Much more bearable.

What to expect at 33 weeks

They say every pregnancy is different.
Well, that is very true indeed! In both pregnancy I faced and am facing, there are both joys and challenges during those weeks.

While pregnant with Rania, my asthma was at the peak and a lot of money was spent on medical expenses.
With Rania, I grew wide. With this little boy, I grew forward. Alfi can already the little boy's legs kicking up under my breast bone and many times, I feel uncomfortable sitting down and yet my legs are not able to carry my weight long enough.
Eating would mean that I need to feed small reasonable portions more often.

Reflux has been in my dictionary for the past few weeks.

I am already as heavy as my last day of pregnancy with Rania. I gave birth to Rania at 89.7kg.
I am now 88.6kg. (whoever counts a kilo!)

Technically I have 3 to 4 weeks to go till I hit 37 weeks.
My gynae gave me the heads up that I should be giving birth around this time frame since Rania was born at 36 weeks + 6 days.
My waterbag leaked and I was already at the delivery suite at 36 weeks + 5 days.

At 33 weeks, needless for me to say that I am no longer as mobile, my back is breaking all the time and working is now a chore because I need a short lie down after a couple of hours each time.
So most of the time, I am working from home because of the convenience of the bed when I need a short break.

For the past few weeks I started having sleepless nights only that the past few days have been worse.
I cant seem to sleep.

The pillows are too low. The pillows are too high. The stomach is an obstruction to turn left or right. The little boy doesn't like it if I lie flat. To turn is a chore. It does not help that Rania creeps up to me to sleep close to me. Stomach is too big that I cant breathe well. Night visits to the toilet is a daily affair!

It is frustrating!

Last night was an epic example where I slept at 1.30am, woke up 6 times till 4am to head to the loo to pee.
In those 6 times, the longest I slept was 45 mins and woke up frustrated.
That is minus waking up to Rania's pampered cries, her milk at 3am.

Then at 4am, I decided to watch TV. Just when I napped for 10 mins, the little girl was up crying and ate her cornflakes.
There goes Mummy's sleep till 6.30am.
The next thing I knew, I woke up at 10.30am.

Anyway, I was teaching a topic on Sexual Reproduction to one of the students and how sperms carry 23 chromosomes and so does the ova. How the nucleus carry DNA materials.
Then that night, I went out for dinner and bought my iPhone 5 casings at Cineleisure for $2 a piece!
After picking out the colours, I realised, the colours didn't differ much.

Later that night, I told Alfi,"This is how it will look like when we have 5 kids."



Some will have your character, some will have mine. Some will have your stronger character. Some milder.
But surely there will be at least one who will probably be more colourful.

Then I said, "Guess what, in every family, there will always be what we would call a black sheep. So I am not sure if this permutation will happen to us."



Yes, as much as I am excited to see our male by-product, I am very anxious about having to handle two children and their respective antics.
The thoughts did not go away since I got pregnant. There is definitely an element of fear and anxiety.

I pray Allah will give me the strength over the next few weeks to hold the pregnancy to full term and more strength to take care of the children after giving birth and showering them with so much love - equally.
Urgh~
The biggest challenge.

Till the update on Week 34!

xoxo

Midweek Food for thought: Marriage to us

It is always during pregnancy that I will cry in my sleep.
I cry in my sleep because I always end up dreaming that he is cheating on me with another woman and out of frustration, I will cry.
During my first pregnancy, I went through the same phase - many times.

So during this pregnancy, Alfi was caught off-guard with my cries once.
Then after he was reminded of his experience, he will quickly wake me up when I end up crying in my sleep and said,"No, I am not cheating on you."

I am always very appreciative when he understood my struggles and leftover struggles of losing my dad, when he understood my hormones during pregnancy and of course my fickleness in planning things out.
Women are one of the worst in planning. While I am open to be more impromptu, an engineer brain like him prefers schedules to be more structured.

Last night when Alfi was sleeping and Rania cuddling up to him, I had my own me-time (at 2am in the morning after preparing my presentation slides for today). I was considering whether to play Candy Crush or watch E!News. So I was checking my social media and saw Mufti Menk was on Twitter. I followed him and click on the link of his website.

I diverted my attention.

I clicked on his audio on the topic he just delivered recently in Singapore. I could not get tickets and I didn't quite mind. I did not follow him. I did not hear him before despite a lot of our brothers and sisters share his quotes and speeches on Facebook.
So actually, I really wanted to know what is so awesome about this guy.

I admit work and having my hands tied took me quite far from the things I still need to focus - knowledge of religion.

He shared something which caught my ears despite my eyes were half closed on the bed. I picked up my phone and texted Alfi (yes, while he was sleeping)

"Five years ago when you met me, I was a flower full of colour and vibrance. You picked me up and married me. Over time, I may wilt and lose my colour but remember the flower you picked up. It was your eyes who determined I was the one and I pray you will keep that in your heart."

10 hours later after we rushed off for work and settled down in the office, he replied.

"You are one flower that will never wilt in my heart for you grow inside me and I will always put nutrition and life in you as long as I live."


I teared.

So I told him I am hormonal. I know I married the perfect man for me.

Go pick up your phone and text something nice and romantic to your spouse. You may just end up hormonal like me!
These are rare moments for me and Alfi because most times, our texts are more naughty.

xoxo

Post-kiddo Marriage

Alfi and I met in Feb 2009 and by Nov 2010, we were hitched!
Many thought we were kidding to jump into the marriage boat too fast but I swear you can just tell if that was the person you wanted to settle down for the rest of your life.



Sure, there are things I didn't forsee when I married him. Like he just doesn't care if he farts loudly in public.
But any of those sorts are mediocre to me - thank god!

Honestly, I was still adjusting life as a married woman. My roles multifold. From being a daughter-in-law, to a wife, to my career and the toughest of all was time away from my mom. Something which I have spent enormous portion of my life with. Setting expectations were hard.

By April 2011, I conceived Rania.
It felt just like yesterday that our honeymoon ended. I was not ready to have a child but at the same time I knew that I could not wait any longer than I already did. But the thought of entering into another phase scares me and I was brutally honest about it in my previous posts.

Life took a turn. I was busy with work, home business and one tuition.
Still, Alfi and I had a lot of time to play around and date. Only that movies were a chore because by the time I entered my third trimester, Alfi will need to rub my back every 30 mins in the movie theatre and watching movies like Transformers was no joke.

We have our decaf coffee dates still and ate wherever I wanted to.

Then Rania came just before Christmas. She was truly a bundle of joy, bringing tears to both her parents - surprisingly. I mean I didn't think we were going to cry but we did!

Reality set in when we came home and all the attention was on her. Everyone's attention was on her.
Back then, I did not have a maid and did everything on my own during my maternity leave.

There was one thing Alfi and I didn't see coming. Our dates together are totally compromised.
During my pregnancy, we made a pact to date at least once a week. Then when Rania was born, we told ourselves that we would fix dates every fornightly.

Today after 16 months, I only dated my husband once. Then I was so upset how much I probably would have prioritized my marriage. Then I realized dates are just something quantifiable.
Plus, we are juggling more things today than we were a year ago. With the new pregnancy, work, me juggling 7 tuition classes a week and Alfi juggling with 6 classes a week, time was barely on our side.

There are many more which I practiced daily with Alfi. Like calling him during office hours, asking him his plans and working around my schedule so that I can see him for lunches or meet him at his workplace and we head home together. We always end our phone calls with 'I love you' and 'Take care'.
Sometimes we practice having breakfast together and when I reach office, I will just send him a quick text message saying,"I miss you already." or "can't wait to see you later."

Bottom line, Rania is a gift to us.



Life would not have had so many smiles without her.



But so is Alfi to me. He is my pillar of strength and my other mutually exclusive half.



We do share our memories of what it was like during pre-baby times. We do miss it.
The first step is to let Rania sleep on her own after 16 months and while she has been great, the parents have been having withdrawal.

So I guess life really changes. But different isn't always bad.
We do have cheeky moments, many laughs and stolen moments. We are just short of going out on dates.
But this is marriage life.

While I think it is necessary to spark the flame, I think we don't need to be rigid in doing up a dating schedule.
I still like things being a little impromptu. It creates a little bit more excitement.

How do you maintain that spark in your marriage?
Share with my readers and I a little thing or two and maybe we could put the ideas to good use this coming Labour Day holiday or weekend!

This post is brought to you by Pampers Singapore

On Family

Being a working mother and wife, I really treasure the times we spend together.
My weekdays are burnt.
Now that mid-year examinations is on the way, my weekday evenings are spent with the students doing revisions and polishing up their weaker topics.

By the time my day ends at 10pm, I have only enough energy to eat up my dinner and play with Rania for a while before I call it a day by 11pm. I can really sense my daughter missing me.
How she whines, grabbing my legs and look up at me wanting me to carry her.

I am under strict instuctions from Alfi that I must not carry Rania no matter how hard she cries. He does not want me to go through another miscarriage and the spotting was a scare enough to him.
But which mother can have the heart to do that. Whenever Alfi is not around, I will carry her as much as my body could take.

And it breaks my heart that whenever I do, she quickly lay her head on my shoulders as if afraid I will put her down the next minute.

So time is limited and weekdays are burnt.
Many will say weekends would be the make up time. But that is tough too. I have to split my time with my family, my in-laws and god in-laws. It is not troublesome but I wish the weekends were longer.
Maybe 3 days?

So whatever time I have with the three of us is really precious to me and Alfi.
It takes a lot of time management and managing the expectation of others. I think many of you will understand my situation.

And when we are out together, we challenge ourselves to keep our spending to the minimum. Say like about $50 per outing inlcluding parking and ERP charges and we feel a sense of achievement when we hit the target.
So we find where is the cheapest parking even if we need to walk a little further. We do not compromise on food but we do compromise on desserts and things that we need to buy.

Rania sharing a $1 ice cream potong with her dad and look how she is enjoying it.



Us, sitting at the corner of a pillar finishing up our ice cream potong.



At the end of the day, what matters most is that you have your loved ones around you and have happy times together.
The smiles captured are priceless and nothing can replace that for me.

That is family. We go through ups and downs but I always share with Alfi that it is ok.
It is not as bad as many other around the world have it.

I am just happy to have a great husband, awesome kid and with His Willing, another one along the way.
It's called building the love.

And that is how I would love to groom my family to be.

This post is brought to you by Pampers Singapore

On Parenting: Come and Play!

Growing up in a place where you have 7 adults (including the maid) and no one else makes Rania really different from many other children.

Or that is how I see it.

One of my main concerns is that she refuses to play with friends her age. She is more comfortable alone.
Many parents share with me that it is good to have her independent. Yes, it is. There are many times where I can put her current exciting toys in front of her, switch on the telly and I can be seated at the corner doing my work while she plays.
She could play on her own for about 45mins to an hour before she whines up to me.

No matter how many times I bring her out with her cousins, she still prefers to be alone.



Some parents advised me that it is too young to educate her. So I think I might give her a little more space and time since she is only turning 16 months.
(I think I am a crazy mother)

But as it is, I am trying all that I can to have her warmed up.

I try to be a good role model.
I end up playing with the other children, just to send a signal to Rania that it is ok. They wont eat.
Result: She will feel that these children intruded her private space with her mummy that she comes by and sit on my lap and watch me play. Then she gives me hugs. And I will get distracted.

I try to give her some encouragement to mingle, play and socialize
Result: She loves socializing anyone who is at least 2 years her senior. She would pull me and bring me to a boy who is 7 and let go of my hands and smile at the boy. The boy was so dumbstruck okay!
Rania is awesome with my SIL (15 years old) and her cousin (5 years old). With her cousins born in the same year is still a no-go.

I try to learn Rania's character by watching her interact with other kids
Result: It is common for any child to take toys which do not belong to her. Today, I only need to say,"Rania, it is not yours." and she will dropped the item or allow me to return the toy without her crying.
Tip: After that I will quickly distract Rania with other toys of hers so that she won't hold the feeling of sadness in her for so long.

Rania is a very happy-go-lucky girl and she is most contented with the simplest thing.



Even on her own.

To me, what is most important is that she has a memorable journey with her childhood that someday she tells me that she wants her children to have the childhood I have given her.



For now, I let her grow up in her comfortable space and in time, I shall revisit this again.
She did make progress. Slow progress but more importantly it is progress.

She takes 4 hours to laugh and giggle with cousins her age.
Good job mummy!

p.s: It is very important for us mothers to give ourselves a pat on the back. It helps in making us happy mummies.

This post is brought to you by Pampers Singapore.

Hello again!

I didn't mean to go on a long hiatus. God knows what challenging 4 weeks I had.
It was a balance of good and bad but truly challenging. As always, my stories will unfold over time. I was not about to give up blogging for those who thought I already have.

Here was us when on the day we left Singapore for Jeddah.
It was an amazing trip. Something which I can never forget during my entire lifetime.

Here are some pictures from my relatives which uploaded them on Facebook. As it is, i have not even had the time to view all my pictures on the computer.









Thank you Jannah for the pink teddy bear you gave Rania on the day of departure. It was one of her loyal friends throughout the trip!
Thank you to all who came by and sent us off. I feel so loved by all of you.

This is my favourite picture of myself and Rania. Thank you Hakim for capturing this!



And trust me, when I was there, I felt my relationship with my beloved husband sparked off again since my dad's passing.
I told him in the airplane,"B, I feel like we are going for our honeymoon."



Insya Allah, more pictures, more stories to share.
We had a valuable and interesting trip. An eye opener. A spiritual journey which all of us needed.

Till the next post.

First post of the year

While everyone was rushing their final blog post for 2012, I was taking a backseat reflecting my 2012.
It was a challenging year and I was praying that the year ahead had better things in store for me, Insya Allah.

Truth is, it is already showing the positive signs and I may just be looking forward to 2013.
First, Alfi and I are planning for our no.2 baby. As much as we would love to have another addition and ready to share more love under the same roof, we were afraid of the financial commitment.

Then in December, I had so many queries for tuition that I had to pass some assignments to Alfi. Right pocket, left pocket, same pocket.
It's amazing! So today I am committing 2 days at a tuition centre (Come to Progenius if you want to join me for group sessions) and also 5 sessions at home.
I am still hoping to get another one or two secondary school maths assignment at home!
Alfi thought it is enough but I love tutoring and my focus has always been maths! I teach concepts and understanding basics.

Students who are with me, stay with me till they graduate their O levels.
I have failing students who achieve B's in their finals and I think it is very awesome to see success rates like that. I also will not hesitate to drop students if they don't put in effort because I don't believe in wasting the parents money and my time.

*fierce or not*

Best thing is Alfi adopts the same too! Its awesome because we get commitment from both tutor and tutee.

So tuition's checked for this year and we decided that it is about time to kick in the family planning for number 2. Appreciate your doas please for my family's health and that we can go through the next stage in our lives.

If you still want me or Alfi to slot in classes for 2013, do drop me an email/call me.

On Christmas, Rania finally wanted to walk by herself using the friendly lion walker which was a hand-me-down from my aunty.



Then 5 days later while I was playing with her, she surprised me with her first walk.
I was so happy to be the first to see it. I screamed to Alfi who was in the toilet. I swear I could tell that he could not do his business in peace.

*lol*



Just 15 seconds of sharing. She will give you her megawatt smile for watching, trust me.

I ended my year with my first photoshoot. Though I am learning the ropes, I am confident enough that I can have smiles when they see my pictures.
It was very challenging to have Rania while we had our photoshoot but the family didn't mind and although it was exhausting, capturing the little girls antics were priceless for me!



So darling, no more following mummy and baba to photoshoots unless bibik comes along.

There are no resolutions for the New Year and I think many have finally gave up this adoption because keeping a promise for 365 days is freaking hard. So let's just keep a list of exciting things which you want to do for the next 365 days ok. I think that is more realistic.

I have many things which I want to do. It is about time I pen it down and get it going.

But I have learnt to take one thing at a time, learn each lesson as I go by and enjoy every precious moment I have in this life. The death of my father taught me a lot. I do not want to take anything for granted if possible and yes, health is more precious than wealth and that you can never buy happiness.

I think in that sense, I became a simpler person than I was years ago.
So here is to 2013 which unfolds to us many more possibilities, opportunities and also challenges. Let us keep our prayers intact and keep Him close.
Insya Allah we will make it through the year.

p.s: because I had a rough start to 2012, I am actually a little phobic of 2013, which explains the last paragraph.

xoxo

Love yourself

Paulo Coelho has always been my favourite author since I was in my University days and that would mran that it was a decade back.

Today, I still grab his latest books the moment it gets out into bookstores.
His latest book Aleph, is something which I have only flipped a few pages.

This, I think is relevant to all of us. We have been hurt many times and we always pick up to be someone better. Most times, we may not realise that we ended up someone different and start losing our initial bearings.

Again, I have been there and I would like to share it with my readers. Regardless what happens in life, we must always remember to love ourselves first. It is when we take care of ourselves, that we are mentally and physically fit to take care of those we love.

I pray the best for my readers, that we all get to overcome obstacles in our lives. If it is the journey we need to pass through, then we shall always seek His Guidance, Insya Allah.

xoxo

Two years ago today

Two years ago at this very day, I had the most wonderful time of my life.
It was a start to a brand new life being a wife. The day I promise to commit to my duties as a wife and mother.

The moment I was legally married, I felt myself unleashed from my past and was looking forward for the future.
I breathed fresh air.

I know this was the path I wanted.
The husband and I went through a lot to kick-start that life we wanted and we were very determined to keep going head-on.

We honeymooned pretty long, until dad got sick and passed away. That was when I was snapped out of my dreamland and into the reality pool.
Other than that, we were on the high and on cloud 9 all the time.
Our pictures were full of fun and silly things which truly spells out who we are.

Till today, despite our minor differences in character, we do see eye to eye with many more things. It is true that birds of the same feather flock together and we are one living example.

My best times with him is when we sit down and have a good chat about work, about our family direction and even reflections of life. It is amazing that I do learn a lot from him though I think he never mentioned that he did from me.
But I am sure it is vice versa.

I can only thank my husband for the times that he was there with me during my challenging pregnancy and the tough time I had to go through when I lost my dad. In fact, it is only now that I am recovering from the aftermath and smiling a little bit more than I usually do.

A few days after we got married, my dad spent a little bit of time to tell my husband this,"Even being the man in the house, always trust and consult your spouse because she will give you her most sincere opinion. Everyone else may have a hidden agenda. Your siblings even. But not your wife. She has your best interest at heart and you can trust her opinions."

That was one of the best advises my husband probably received. Today, it is very heartwarming that regardless anyone who needs his decision, he will always say, "Let me talk to my wife because I think she needs to know before I decide."

From there, I knew respect is earned.
He respected my existence in our family unit and as a wife, I must not compromise the same.

Building a family with you is probably the next best decision in my life.




And here we are today



If daddy was still alive, we would be celebrating his birthday.
I still miss him a lot. Never a single day passed without me remembering him.
We take our father for granted a lot because he gives in pretty easy and quick. Last year was the first time we bought for him a birthday present on time.

Him being him, every time when we asked him what would he like to have, his answer will always be,"Nothing."

Yes, it can get very frustrating at times.

Last year, we bought him a Timberland jacket which he managed to wear it on trips to the Philippines.

He is missed in many more ways and many times I wished that he would have lived longer and be in our lives a little while more.
But He is kind and He knows that this is the best for Daddy and us. I may not see it today. I may not understand it at all but I need to have some faith.

Many say he is in a better place. I tell myself the same thing too.
Insya Allah he is as we never stop praying for him and his well-being there.

Anniversaries from this year on will be bittersweet for me. When I got married, I knew it was going to happen but I didn't expect it to be too soon into my marriage. On the brighter side, I am glad to be sharing this special day with him.

I miss you Dad.



Al-Fateha

Really Long Weekend

This time around, the long weekend seemed draggy and didn't feel like it was about to end.
Well, I was rushing through the Win 8 launch on the eve of Hari Raya Haji because I wanted to head off to KL as soon as I can.

In the end, we reached KL at 2am. Will story that one in another post.

On Sunday when we came back to Singapore, I was visitng the hubby's side for Eid and that night, I was down with an allergy and had to be on the nebulizer again at midnight.
So Monday I was on MC to rest.

Seems like a good way to rest after a long holiday and socializing right?
Wrong.
That night Rania was suddenly down with a very high fever.
The highest she had.
38.8 degrees celcius.

I was one kancheong woman, I tell you!
I called my Dr Quack aunty for advise and she told me to head down to any 24 hours GP or otherwise I can sponge her and give her paracetamol.
But I wanted a quick fix. A quick fix for Rania's fever and a quick fix to my worry.

So to KKH we went. The institution where I placed my trust to take care of my baby and me when I deliver.

I love it there because they do a comprehensive check on Rania and that would really ease my mind.

The moment she was at the hospital, she was immediately given paracetemol and over time she was much better within the day. Doc diagnosed her with viral fever and it will take about a week for her to clear.

My Dr Quack Aunty was very helpful and she will always attend to my questions pretty quick. She has 7 children!

Soon after the visit to KKH, she was much better with fluctuating fever.
This was her right that same night.



Her Mama was playing peek-a-boo with her and it has been really a long time since I heard her giggly.
In my last post, Rania has been quite flu-ish for a while and accumulated this much medication over the past month!



Since a couple of weeks back, she has been extra manja and very clingy to her dad and especially me.





She will refuse anyone the moment she sees me entering the room.
She cries about everything and anything just to get my attention.
I have to admit that I do find it cute (pardon me!)

Rania is still recovering from her viral fever. Doc told me to give her a week.
So 3 more days to go.



Get well soon my baby princess.

Last night, the little one refuses milk and only had 2 bottle the whole time.
Her dad was so worried and since she was fussing, he wanted to see if she is ok and played with her.

I enjoyed videoing this and watching it.



Hope you do too!
Do pray for her recovery!

xoxo

Ponder

Even during my younger days, I pondered a lot.
I pondered about everything. I pondered about living life as an adult, working.
Then I pondered about being a wife and a mother to a few children.

I even pondered what those streetwalkers were thinking as they crossed roads.
I pondered how people get by their day.

I pondered how people could be arrogant when they have nothing much actually. I pondered about every single thing.
In fact, that was how I managed to sometimes find my answers in life.

I learn and observe a lot from people's character. Call me judgemental but I believe that life lessons are great teachers. It comes to a point that my first impressions on others are pretty good and I share this analysis with my husband as he meets a lot of people.

Initially he brushed me off but many times I was proven right so at least now he contemplates my opinion.

We both have met many people, true to their character.

Some uses religion, quotes from Sheikhs and Ustaz on Facebook when their character in real life is far from those principles. Some boasts humility which I usually get confused.
Some just wants to show what they have got just because they like to show and want people to know.

I was not perfect either in my younger days. But I think along the way I am learning and will still learn. I still make mistakes. Sometimes say the wrong things.
Good intentions turn bad.
My husband will be the one pointing out to me and I swallow it and be better.
Insya Allah.

I have come to a point when I really do not bother how people judge me.
If they feel I am not dressing up well enough or not carrying that expensive bag or not going for this holiday and that holiday anymore.
My priorities have changed and what matters to me is that my family and I are happy.

Like what many said, happiness is something which cannot be bought.
In fact I am always in search of peace and calmness in my life.

My husband shared with me this video which we watched together.



I felt tears in my eyes and I take back with me some of the things he said.
"Let them say."
"I made it a point to live my life with simplicity.. and focus on humanity."

This man probably found peace in himself and the things he did.
When my husband and I watched this, we feel lesser of a person because our hearts are not this big to sacrifice and do the same.

He definitely taught us something from this video.
So finally I pondered what does it take me to live and let life be.

Family Time

Our family time is not restricted to weekends.
In fact, it can be very hard to have family time over the weekends with a lot of social engagements.
Weddings, parties, help, dinners, lunches etc etc.

Maybe family time will be in the car.
I am ok with spending time beyond the three of us. It is inevitable that my husband and I have a big family, always making an effort to eat together or shop together or coffee together.
I like it actually.

But I also like the times where we just have a nice time just the three of us.
Usually it is on a weekday, after work and solat Marghrib that we head out.
Get some dinner, take a walk and then head home.
But it will be the time we explore new places and doing new things.

Having a child and new things is easy because as Rania grows up, there are more things which she wants to do and more places which we can go.
Personally, I cannot wait to go to the Zoo and Bird Park.

So while last weekend we did not get to do much, last night after work, we headed to Changi Airport Terminal 3.
I still prefer the Terminal 2 rather than 3 which was why we decided the change of 'wind'.

Dinner at Popeye's was not so fantastic.
Rania had a good time watching the water fountain.



I always emphasized a good father and daughter time because I have fond memories of bonding with my late dad and I would not want Ranis to miss such wonderful moments.



After the fun we had, we spent some husband and wife time talking over coffee at Ya-Kun, of which thankfully Rania was asleep that we could concentrate more on our conversations.

We spoke about a lot about work and life and things have been going for us so far.
It was awesome. It didn't need to be a weekend.
In fact, Alfi and I practiced this because most weekdays are so busy for us with tuition and work and weekends we may have surprise engagements.

So the only way to ensure some quality time is to spend the time together, regardless of a weekend or a weekday.

How did you fit in time for your family and how do you spend it?

xoxo

One step closer

I did not get lost.

I did a lot of soul-searching from the time I blogged about needing to see a psychiatrist. A lot more after I met a man whom I last spoke to.
I did mention I felt reborn.

I was beginning to feel reborn.
It was hard initially but hubby and I spoke a lot more with the little time we spent together. We vented frustration in full honesty and agreed to disagree.
The support he gave me, Masya Allah.

It is what defines our marriage today.

My HTC One X went for a repair for a week. My tuition classes were haywire because I didn't back up my contacts on the SIM card. My loan phone did not have Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or any other social networks.

I rested more. Reflected more. Played with my daughter more.
Then I realized I missed enjoying life. I missed laughing a bit more, feeling blessed a bit more.

I feel healthier. My asthma attacks occurred only once when the haze was really bad and the doc thought I was just ok with steroids and no nebulizer.
I was happy. I know it is baby steps to get better.

I still get panic attacks out of no reason. Still feel like I am going to get an asthma. I worked on my breathings (as taught by a cousin or a cousin-in-law I never had) and I made myself relax.
In 15 mins I was ok, back to my feet.

Yes, I danced a little more with my daughter and the husband was very amazed that I had a bit more energy.

It is beginning to help in my work. I am more active and proactive and now I am talking with my partners to get my online businesses back in the game again. And of course the Small Talks sessions which I have given a miss for the past two weeks.
I want to get back on my feet.

My phone came back in my hands on Monday night after a week. I excitedly fitted my SIM card into it and found out that ALL MY DATA WAS GONE!!
It hurts because I take many pictures of Rania growing up EVERYDAY and it is all gone!

I contained my disappointment.

The following day, a litre of water spilled out from my water bottle.
Among the documents which was floating (LITERALLY) in the handbag was my most favourite Canon Powershot S95



You really cannot imagine my despaired face when I saw water dripping out from the zoom lens. I was so angry with myself and disappointed is really an understatement.
But hubby brushed it off. He said this is "harta dunia" and I needed to let go.

It struck me again. I let it go with a little bit more stinging pain in my heart.

So here I am back in the game getting pictures of Rania all over again.



And as I mentioned on Instagram this morning, seeing Rania in the morning is better than my morning coffee, anytime!



Rania is awake by 8 or 9am when the husband and I get ready for work. She gets up and smiles seeing our faces and laughs and plays a little to catch out attention.

It is no longer having the maid to distract her when I need to leave for office. She can follow me to the car and wave at us goodbye before heading up.

That's my big girl and you know I love you a lot my princess.

Having a little bit of time yesterday, hubby brought me to the beach for a walk. We settled down on a grass patch with Starbucks Coffee, KFC junk food and lots and lots of talk.

Just the two of us.






It really felt like my marriage rekindled!
I forgot how it feels like to date my husband. I forgot how it feels like to relax.

My heartfelt thanks to the ladies who continuously send me little notes via Watsapp, FB PMs, Instagram, Twitter, SMS-es. You know who you are.
I cannot thank you enough.

Thank you for keeping me going.
And every prayer, I say my thanks to Him for a wonderful family I have, a lovely sister who keeps me sane, my wonderful cousins and cousins I never had that let me know I need to keep it going and everyone who had been in my life are blessed. Blessed with health and wealth, rahmat and berkat

If you didn't know how much you have helped me, it is indescribable.

I did not get lost.
I let it go.

xoxo