I haven’t blogged for the longest time. Not even the birth of my 4th child.

But today, I wanted to type out about my memory 6 years ago. Every Chinese New Year is always a painful phase for me to get by. 

22 Jan 2011 marks my 30th day of confinement after delivering Rania. My first princess. I was so eager to take a step out of the house. Get a breather. 

It was the first day of Chinese New Year. 

My parents and little sister were supposed to drive up to KL on that day. Everything was set. Luggage, hotel and time to leave home. 

5.30am my phone was ringing like crazy but I was too deep into sleep. Rania was giving me a hard time at night. 

Alfi was in the toilet. He quickly came out and he said ,”B, your sister has been calling you. It must be something urgent. You better call her back.”

Calls at that hour are always never pretty. 

I called back. 

My sister was crying over the phone to ask me to go to Changi General Hospital. Dad wasn’t breathing. He is all blue. 

I said ok. 

I sat on my bed. Rania still asleep. I told Alfi what happened. 

“I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do.”

“Ok you sit down for a while. Let me prepare the diaper bag”

“What diaper bag. We don’t have a diaper bag”

But he got it all done. God knows how he could think so fast during an emergency. I was still sitting there. Breathless.

“You better get ready. We got to go. You cannot do this.”

“I don’t know what to wear.”

My head wasn’t thinking at all. My dad. My pillar. My strength. The man who brought me up, accepted my character and gave me space to grow. The man who I can share with him my anger and frustration. My dreams and my hopes. And all he will do is to motivate and listen. 

He listens. 

“Anything. Just anything.”

We rushed to the hospital and Dad already completed his operation. He was blue. I touched him and I cried. I told him to be strong. 

But it was during the Chinese New Year that the ambulance response was late. It was during the Chinese New Year that they were understaffed. Didn’t help that they had trouble bringing my dad down from the master bedroom to the lift and from the lift to the ambulance. 

Today, I did my prayer. And as usual I do some quick simple doa. Same doa. For my family. 

Then Dad came to my mind. 

And I said, “Oh Allah, please tell my Dad that I miss him very much. Please tell him that i try not to think of him because I still have not gotten over his passing. Everytime I think of him, I will have tears lingering in my eyes. I can’t. I have to be strong for my family. My spouse and children esp needs me. I need to attend to the worldly matters as part of my responsibility. Pls tell Dad that I always miss him. It’s just that I have to get by the day.”

I recited Al-Fateha for my old man and I cried and cried and cried in the middle of the night while everyone was asleep. My husband and 4 children. 

I cried like 6 years ago. I forgot how painful it was until today. 

Dad, I know we will reunite later. Alfi always remind me, this world is temporal.

I love you Dad. 

The men who will never meet

I was typing a blog entry about something else and wanted to compliment it with pictures. 

I was looking back again at the old pictures and stumbled a picture of my late dad a year before he passed away. Then I remembered some of the pictures I snapped last night. 

Quickly I put them together. Side by side. 

Immediately I broke down in the office like a flowing river. There goes my make up but I could not hold it back any longer.

It has been a while since I cried about my late Dad. 

The resemblance is so uncanny, Masya Allah. I was just writing about how Riduan was a Mecca baby when I was trying to come to terms with my loss. And I promised myself to let Dad go the moment I completed my Umrah. 

I didn't think I would be presented with this gift. I am still ashamed of how I didn't want a baby boy when it is such a precious gift. Another flesh and blood for me to look at each time I miss my Dad. 

There is just so much in life to thank for. 

Life is just that beautiful. 

Eid Mubarak

Since my late dad passed away, celebrating Eid was no longer the same.
I came to a point where I am just going through the motion. Deep down, I silently envy those with full family pictures.
I wished I could have that framed up on my wall. But I was nowhere close.

I never experienced celebrating a Eid with a full set of grandparents.
Neither did my children.

It's fate and undeniable but nonetheless, it didnt stop me from feeling that way.
So no matter how I tried to cheer it up, it is never the same. And it doesn't help that Alfi doesn't enjoy celebrating Eid either.

Now I can only depend on my own little family of four to have a complete picture.
Otherwise it is will never be complete.

Wishing all my readers and Her Closet customers Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.



I am not a very small person by nature and many always wondered how I can fit into a baju kurung every Eid. I will share those details with you ladies very shortly!
This is a must-stay-tune-and-read-post.

The next few days will be a hectic time for me & family. I will be shifting back to my home. It has been two and a half years since I left the place to stay with my mom and since the family is expanding, it is a good time to move back and have our own space.

Though only 13 weeks into pregnancy, my nesting phase is already here.
Maybe because of the shift.

Everyday I search for ideas on how to design my tiny 5-room flat where resource and having children is a constraint. Now that it is no longer myself and Alfi, I have to consider how I am going to arrange utensils and food stuffs in my kitchen, what colour of furniture do I purchase, what furniture would be child-friendly, what kind of rugs do I buy and what kind of curtains/blinds do I select.

Engaging an interior designer will be expensive, especially with a growing family like mine where I spent $600 on diapers and milk alone, I need to be smarter in managing the family's finances.
Well, stay tuned too to see how we unfold settling down in our new space.

I hope time is on our side that we can have a small gathering at our home towards the end of Eid.

xoxo

Eat with your Family Day

Last Friday was Eat with you family Day.
Microsoft employees were given time off at 3pm to go back home early to their family.
Alas I was stuck in a meeting till 4.30 and when I reached home at 5pm, I was rushing for some urgent works via email.

I was actually more eager to get home early and make my way to Motherhood Expo fair with Alfi's godfamily's nephew's wife.
Complicated right?
But our relationship isn't.
*lol*
It helps that I get along with almost anyone and they are very warm and accommodating.

So by the time I reached expo it was 7.30pm and the exhibition was huge.
Alfi was always reminding me to find what I need first! But that is so hard because I will be hopping here and there and then get confused.

So this is what I came back with.
Tons and tons of Pampers. I told you I am making the switch and I am really loving it.



A lot of mummies actually message me via FB and my mobile to ask if Pampers was really the trusted brand.
I stand by it and told them I was not bull-shitting on my blog just because I am getting free stuffs.
We as bloggers can always not agree with their marketing if we feel it is not good enough.

Can you see I even bought diapers for my newborn!!!
I would have bought more if not for the lack of space in my room.
From a 5-room to a 12meter square room, it has become a karang guni place. One more year to go.
My mom's place will be enbloc and it is a good time excuse for me to shift out (without hurting my mom).
We started off staying in that room just the two of us. Then we became 3 and now coming 4.
It is really cramping up!

Can't you tell from the videos I have been posting up about Rania?
*lol*

I keep telling myself it is just a phase.

So anyway, it didn't turn out a quiet eat with your family day. That Friday night, after the fair, we went to get awesome food at Changi 89.7
And it is good to see Rania starting to build relationships with children her age.




Then over on Sunday, this pregnant woman was craving for satay and there we head off to Satay by the Bay. Going on a Sunday was wrong timing. Too many satay orders that the place was awfully stuffy.









Nonetheless, company was great and we ended off the day with Mac'D drive-through ice cream.

Today I am encountering Monday Blues.
Sometimes I wish weekends were longer.

xoxo

Here is to the second league

Thank you to all my social media sweethearts on Facebook & Twitter (darn that my Instagram can't be installed on a Windows Phone) and my friends and lovelies who sent me personal text messages via SMS and Watsapp.
It means a lot to me because it took some time away from your Candy Crush just to send me some love.

I am sentimental hormonal like that now.

So yeah, my second bun is baking in the oven. I call it incubating.
My little one gets to stay in my womb for the next 5 months and do nothing but to grow and grow and grow.

This pregnancy is very different from my first.
That's what they say. Every pregnancy is different.


*this picture was taken when I was in my first pregnancy.

I kicked off my pregnancy being sick when I was in Dubai. So I really think my immune system is low now. Took me over 3 weeks to recover and not fully. Not the whole swing came again. Cough and sorethroat and sometimes restricting my breathing. But I try as much as possible not to rely on medication.
Already I am on so much medication for my asthma and allergies and gastric.

Coupled with that, I am one heck of a lazy pig mom.
I will be lying in bed and telling Alfi to help me pass the remote on the TV. Telling him to bring up my food or he will have to head downstairs just because I wanted 'air sedap' ( a good drink) or even my Yakult.

But thank god, I have no cravings for Mac Donald's like how I was when I was pregnant with Rania.
There was no 3am calls to satisfy my hunger. There was no I must eat this and that.
I could control myself pretty well this time around.

But yeah the tummy is still big. Coming 15 weeks and 4kg gained, I blame my relaxed stomach muscle.
I have always thought moms with morning sickness have been lucky. You are a natural bulimic, throwing up whatever you have eaten and not putting on the weight in the first trimester.

I have been trying to hide the tummy even at work and it is getting harder. I think Alfi was exasperated looking at me stare at the wardrobe for hours that he said,"B, you are pregnant."

This pregnancy, I have one great kaki who is my cousin-in-law, sharing cravings and issues we are facing (mostly cravings though). Already before we both we pregnant (4 weeks apart), we have been weekend supper kaki. So being pregnant together was really an icing on the cake.

How we crave for Roti John at Pasar Pandan in Johor and how this weekend we are going go in search of satay.

It is amazing. So whoever else is pregnant with us, please join in the fun, share the love and food cravings.
Both of us are armed with children and husbands so the more the merrier!

Just like my first pregnancy, I never had a connection with the one I am incubating. I find myself like a machine. Just an incubator and waiting for the baby to come out.
Mom said my maternal instincts are not there. But my maternal instincts with Rania is amazing.
I am a protective mother in a sense that I take care of her from falling sick, I let her get bullied just so that she is exposed to mean kids in future but always watchful over it and I know when something is wrong.

I think my next set of maternal instincts will kick in when I give birth.
Of course I am excited to see little one when I head to the gynae. I am just amazed to see how it is growing and what a great machine my body is.



Being pregnant to a 16th month old active toddler is not easy. Sometimes I ask Alfi if we are planning it too fast.
But he said,"We are not getting any younger."

So here we are. 5 more months to go.
It is amazing how time flies. It just felt like last month that I just came back from Umrah and found out that I was pregnant.

And definitely not being able to share this news with my dad makes a whole lot of difference. I could not see his smile. I could not hear him nag that I should be losing the weight after pregnancy. I could not have him smuggle coffee for me when Alfi is not around.

Told you I was hormonal.

This post is brought to you by Pampers Singapore

xoxo

Hello again!

I didn't mean to go on a long hiatus. God knows what challenging 4 weeks I had.
It was a balance of good and bad but truly challenging. As always, my stories will unfold over time. I was not about to give up blogging for those who thought I already have.

Here was us when on the day we left Singapore for Jeddah.
It was an amazing trip. Something which I can never forget during my entire lifetime.

Here are some pictures from my relatives which uploaded them on Facebook. As it is, i have not even had the time to view all my pictures on the computer.









Thank you Jannah for the pink teddy bear you gave Rania on the day of departure. It was one of her loyal friends throughout the trip!
Thank you to all who came by and sent us off. I feel so loved by all of you.

This is my favourite picture of myself and Rania. Thank you Hakim for capturing this!



And trust me, when I was there, I felt my relationship with my beloved husband sparked off again since my dad's passing.
I told him in the airplane,"B, I feel like we are going for our honeymoon."



Insya Allah, more pictures, more stories to share.
We had a valuable and interesting trip. An eye opener. A spiritual journey which all of us needed.

Till the next post.

Finding love

After a long time, I am burning the midnight oil to write in this entry. Rania slept early and I have completed all the other things I needed to.
Lately, I felt like I had too many things at my hand all at once, that I admit I prioritise somethings more than others.

Firstly, I had my period 5 days late. Nausea, dizziness, refuse to eat and I was confident that I was going through my first trimester.
3 pregnancy sticks and I was still negative. I even resorted to buying the $25 digitial pregnancy kit test but it was still negative. I was frustrated but at the same time scared that there is a health issue that I did not know.

So now I know I am not pregnant, I went to the doctor to discuss on my symptoms which he merely suspected that I was too tired.

Because of that, I rarely spent time with Rania and I swear I hate myself. When I get to, I am drained that all I wish was for her to head to bed early. (how can i not hate myself)
That also explains my quiet Instagram and occasional Facebook activity.

Everything was demanding. Tuition classes were kicking off. Work was demanding because I am really taking on 3 HUGE projects, excluding all the administration work which we can never run away from.
I really did not expect a promotion. From the day I accepted the offer, it was the same day that emails multi folds, internal meetings doubled and external meetings tripled. I am not kidding. I told Alfi that I could not carry my backpack any longer.
It was taking a toll on my back that I could not carry Rania when I came home.

With his bonus, he gifted me a laptop trolley bag which I am so grateful for it.
(We make an effort to present each other with something not too expensive each time we get our yearly bonus.)

I put my photography and home business aside and that of course impacted me. But it was my choice and I had to face the music. I had too but I had to maintain my pace at work and make them know that it was not a mistake to give that new role to me.

It was three weeks ago when mum announced that we were going for Umrah. So many things just run in my head that I got disorientated. I did not know what to do, how to feel, what to expect.

Can you imagine, I did not even know that it was winter and I was rushing before the year-end sale last year to get Rania some warm clothes, socks, stocking up her milk and buying new bottles because now her milk demand increases.

I did not even know what to bring, what to wear, what to wear to the airport, what to standby in the plane. I did not know what the itenary means.
I still need to find the right diaper bag to carry and I finally finalised the things I need to bring to Makkah and Medinah. I needed to dress properly yet practically for the pilgrimage because Rania will be with me. Alfi and I need to strategise on what bags to carry and hand-carry into the cabin because I need to push the pram and take care of Rania.

I feared if I got sick and quickly scheduled appointments with my asthma specialist, allergy specialist, stock up some of my medications for the trip. Then I needed to think of what medications to bring along in case if Rania gets sick there, which I hope not.

Then we had to attend the crash course to make sure we know the basics to do Umrah.
Everyday I worry there is something which I am missing out. Today, I have still yet to put all these in my head into a 'What to bring' list. Alfi is still finalising our travel insurance.

So last weekend, the whole family went for the Umrah briefing and there were chants at the background. As I looked at the screen, I saw the translation in Malay and I teared.

Labbaik Allah humma labbaik
Labbaik la sharika laka labbaik
Innal hamda
Wan-ni'mata
Laka walmulk
Laa sharika lah.

O my Lord, here I am at Your service, here I am.
There is no partner with You,
here I am.
Truly the praise
and the provisions are Yours,
and so is the dominion and sovereignty.

There is no partner with You.

Then I realised what it meant by the calling to go there.



Insya Allah I will be there soon. I am still nervous about it as much as I am looking forward to this trip. With no expectations, I only wish my family and I are in good health to perform our ibadahs and that we raise to the tests there.

It's my opportunity to be close to God. I have always tried to be close to Him but I let myself go and let Him guide me when I lost my father. I let Him control my path and be humble to fate. For someone who is a strong character, it took me to lose my dad to understand that.

One year after dad's passing, the whole family will be there. I will pray for my dearest dad all the time. I will pray for calmness in my soul. I will pray for the health of my family. For those who have kept me in their prayers, I will repay you with my doas for you there.

Losing my dad changed me, totally. He taught me a lot in life, more in his death.
I miss you dad. I just know you are proud of me then and now because that is what you always conveyed to me.

I wish we could have you during this journey. But I will keep you in my doa's I promise. I know you will never be far.

They say, visiting Makkah and Medina is where we meet our Prophet Muhammad SAW and they always say that love God and the Prophet before anything else. I want to find that love and keep it with me.

May my niat & hajat be fulfilled, Insya Allah.

My support system

This was me at my work desk yesterday.
If you had already known Microsoft New World of Work, all except secretaries have their own desks. We are mobile. So whenever I enter the office, I choose which floor I head to and pick out which desk I would like to seat.

Ok, but that is not the point. My point is, many actually wonder how I handle my tuition classes which is every day except Sunday and Her Closet and my new exploration on photography.

Truth is, me and Alfi have a timetable where there will be days when I teach and he takes care of Rania. This year, tuition is more overwhelming for me than for Alfi.
During times when both of us are busy in the evening, mummy will help watch over Rania.

Honestly, I did not expect to be overwhelmed with tuition classes this year but I think with the intention to have a second one, Allah always makes it more favourable for us.

This is challenging. Juggling everything at once.
Which is why I am very appreciative with my HC customers for being very forgiving if i forget their mails or i missed out sometimes. I am human and thus I make errors all the time.

This year, work sends me to NTU/NIE 4 times a week and backend works are already starting the moment I was offered this new position ON TOP of whatever government marketing projects I am working on now. I love the new work challenge. I am 30, still young in the industry and many more to explore and I am willing to ride the wave.

My co-managers and directors were asking if I was planning another one.
I was honest and said yes, yet no one gave me the look of,"I wish I didn't give you the promotion." With that, I am very thankful for their support.

This new challenge came unexpectedly. I was willing to 'rot' in Microsoft because it is so family friendly and flexible working hours. But things will change. Travelling from mid-east to the end of the east-west line and travelling further is no joke.

I pray He will help me through these moments.
I thank Him for this opportunity and a very good support system. I thank Alfi for asking me to look on the bright side because I was quite resistant to this change. I thank my mom for giving me the support to take care of Rania. I thank my maid (though she can be a drama queen) for helping taking care of Rania.

This is my path.
It is never easy for working mothers and I underestimated them before I became a mother.

Today, many times, I sleep while (or sometimes before) putting Rania to bed (and she is still playing peek-a-boo with her sleeping mummy). I spend less time with her.
But I try to play games with her at night while lying in bed. Teaching her the basics of 1,2,3 or A,B,C or simple shapes.

And yes dad, it is true that even when you come home tired, you forget all the exhaustion when you see the smile on your child's face.

I am amazed with parenthood and I see the changes in me.
I am sure that I am not the only one facing challenges as a working mom and I would love to hear your challenges as well. Surely, the more children you have, the more you need to handle.

Drop me a comment or an email and rest assured all other working mummies will appreciate.

xoxo

First post of the year

While everyone was rushing their final blog post for 2012, I was taking a backseat reflecting my 2012.
It was a challenging year and I was praying that the year ahead had better things in store for me, Insya Allah.

Truth is, it is already showing the positive signs and I may just be looking forward to 2013.
First, Alfi and I are planning for our no.2 baby. As much as we would love to have another addition and ready to share more love under the same roof, we were afraid of the financial commitment.

Then in December, I had so many queries for tuition that I had to pass some assignments to Alfi. Right pocket, left pocket, same pocket.
It's amazing! So today I am committing 2 days at a tuition centre (Come to Progenius if you want to join me for group sessions) and also 5 sessions at home.
I am still hoping to get another one or two secondary school maths assignment at home!
Alfi thought it is enough but I love tutoring and my focus has always been maths! I teach concepts and understanding basics.

Students who are with me, stay with me till they graduate their O levels.
I have failing students who achieve B's in their finals and I think it is very awesome to see success rates like that. I also will not hesitate to drop students if they don't put in effort because I don't believe in wasting the parents money and my time.

*fierce or not*

Best thing is Alfi adopts the same too! Its awesome because we get commitment from both tutor and tutee.

So tuition's checked for this year and we decided that it is about time to kick in the family planning for number 2. Appreciate your doas please for my family's health and that we can go through the next stage in our lives.

If you still want me or Alfi to slot in classes for 2013, do drop me an email/call me.

On Christmas, Rania finally wanted to walk by herself using the friendly lion walker which was a hand-me-down from my aunty.



Then 5 days later while I was playing with her, she surprised me with her first walk.
I was so happy to be the first to see it. I screamed to Alfi who was in the toilet. I swear I could tell that he could not do his business in peace.

*lol*



Just 15 seconds of sharing. She will give you her megawatt smile for watching, trust me.

I ended my year with my first photoshoot. Though I am learning the ropes, I am confident enough that I can have smiles when they see my pictures.
It was very challenging to have Rania while we had our photoshoot but the family didn't mind and although it was exhausting, capturing the little girls antics were priceless for me!



So darling, no more following mummy and baba to photoshoots unless bibik comes along.

There are no resolutions for the New Year and I think many have finally gave up this adoption because keeping a promise for 365 days is freaking hard. So let's just keep a list of exciting things which you want to do for the next 365 days ok. I think that is more realistic.

I have many things which I want to do. It is about time I pen it down and get it going.

But I have learnt to take one thing at a time, learn each lesson as I go by and enjoy every precious moment I have in this life. The death of my father taught me a lot. I do not want to take anything for granted if possible and yes, health is more precious than wealth and that you can never buy happiness.

I think in that sense, I became a simpler person than I was years ago.
So here is to 2013 which unfolds to us many more possibilities, opportunities and also challenges. Let us keep our prayers intact and keep Him close.
Insya Allah we will make it through the year.

p.s: because I had a rough start to 2012, I am actually a little phobic of 2013, which explains the last paragraph.

xoxo

A year with you

It was a simple way for us to celebrate Rania's first birthday. After so much contemplation and looking at the weather and Alfi's and my working schedule, it was quite impossible to hold a party for our princess.

Insya Allah we will still hold one but when the weather is better in January.
We have scouted for a few places and still don't know if we want to do it outdoor in the scorching heat or in an indoor place. But I love outdoors and they are always fun!

We brought my family out for late lunch to Pizza Hut. It has been ages since we have been there. So we ordered pizzas, pastas, chicken and came out too full and contented. Poor Alfi who foot the bill for 7. *lol*









The best part?
Rania ate the least.

She was sleeping half the time but being a happy baby, she wakes up happy.
I do not know how she actually does it. Wake up, turn over and smile.
I could not remember being like that since I was a child until now. I will wake up groggy and sometimes lost!

I am blessed.
I feel blessed experiencing life as a mother, though rest is no longer in the dictionary. I feel blessed that Rania is in pink of health. I feel blessed that Alfi and I could provide her all we could for the past one year.

So here was our simple celebration.
Lunch and my mom gave Rania her birthday treat. A package of 10 swimming sessions.
Yeay!

Ready sweetheart?















The moment she finished swimming, I prepared her a bottle of milk and soon, off she dozed off. That was the time I could relax a little and catch up on the tweets, FB comments and notifications and Instagram!

Here was her after the swim!



That was a wrap!
We didn't do leopard prints or polka dots which we wanted to. We ended up all in pink!



Dear Rania,



A year with you yet you cannot imagine how much you have taught us as parents. I became the woman I never imagined myself to be and it is amazing how much you have changed me.
When your yayee passed away, I felt for you because I know you will be awfully pampered by him and I may not like it.

But you are just like me. I had a grandfather which I never met. I am glad yayee managed to see and carried you for two weeks. You must know that he was very important in my life and he made who I was before I married your dad. Then your dad changed me but your existence is really priceless to us. All of us.

You carve your smile so easily and I am thankful you have the gift to make everyone to smile with you. It doesn't matter if other children are more beautiful than you are. It was not in my cards to have a beautiful daughter. I wanted a daughter who is happy and carefree. You are my prayers come true.

Of course you have some of mummy's traits which I didn't like but it is ok. It is growing up and I will show you the way. A good friend of mummy said,"At least you know she will turn out a fine woman like you."

But nevertheless, I want you to grow up happy and that someday you can look back to these days and tell me and baba that you had a wonderful childhood and you wished you can turn back time. Trust me, someday, I wish I can turn back to this day too.



To my readers who enjoy reading my blog entries of Rania's growing up days, I thank you. Thank you for all the love and wishes and comments expressed all over the social media. You are much loved by us too!

xoxo