Lately, I felt like I had too many things at my hand all at once, that I admit I prioritise somethings more than others.
Firstly, I had my period 5 days late. Nausea, dizziness, refuse to eat and I was confident that I was going through my first trimester.
3 pregnancy sticks and I was still negative. I even resorted to buying the $25 digitial pregnancy kit test but it was still negative. I was frustrated but at the same time scared that there is a health issue that I did not know.
So now I know I am not pregnant, I went to the doctor to discuss on my symptoms which he merely suspected that I was too tired.
Because of that, I rarely spent time with Rania and I swear I hate myself. When I get to, I am drained that all I wish was for her to head to bed early. (how can i not hate myself)
That also explains my quiet Instagram and occasional Facebook activity.
Everything was demanding. Tuition classes were kicking off. Work was demanding because I am really taking on 3 HUGE projects, excluding all the administration work which we can never run away from.
I really did not expect a promotion. From the day I accepted the offer, it was the same day that emails multi folds, internal meetings doubled and external meetings tripled. I am not kidding. I told Alfi that I could not carry my backpack any longer.
It was taking a toll on my back that I could not carry Rania when I came home.
With his bonus, he gifted me a laptop trolley bag which I am so grateful for it.
(We make an effort to present each other with something not too expensive each time we get our yearly bonus.)
I put my photography and home business aside and that of course impacted me. But it was my choice and I had to face the music. I had too but I had to maintain my pace at work and make them know that it was not a mistake to give that new role to me.
It was three weeks ago when mum announced that we were going for Umrah. So many things just run in my head that I got disorientated. I did not know what to do, how to feel, what to expect.
Can you imagine, I did not even know that it was winter and I was rushing before the year-end sale last year to get Rania some warm clothes, socks, stocking up her milk and buying new bottles because now her milk demand increases.
I did not even know what to bring, what to wear, what to wear to the airport, what to standby in the plane. I did not know what the itenary means.
I still need to find the right diaper bag to carry and I finally finalised the things I need to bring to Makkah and Medinah. I needed to dress properly yet practically for the pilgrimage because Rania will be with me. Alfi and I need to strategise on what bags to carry and hand-carry into the cabin because I need to push the pram and take care of Rania.
I feared if I got sick and quickly scheduled appointments with my asthma specialist, allergy specialist, stock up some of my medications for the trip. Then I needed to think of what medications to bring along in case if Rania gets sick there, which I hope not.
Then we had to attend the crash course to make sure we know the basics to do Umrah.
Everyday I worry there is something which I am missing out. Today, I have still yet to put all these in my head into a 'What to bring' list. Alfi is still finalising our travel insurance.
So last weekend, the whole family went for the Umrah briefing and there were chants at the background. As I looked at the screen, I saw the translation in Malay and I teared.
Labbaik Allah humma labbaik
Labbaik la sharika laka labbaik
Innal hamda
Wan-ni'mata
Laka walmulk
Laa sharika lah.
O my Lord, here I am at Your service, here I am.
There is no partner with You,
here I am.
Truly the praise
and the provisions are Yours,
and so is the dominion and sovereignty.
There is no partner with You.
Then I realised what it meant by the calling to go there.
Insya Allah I will be there soon. I am still nervous about it as much as I am looking forward to this trip. With no expectations, I only wish my family and I are in good health to perform our ibadahs and that we raise to the tests there.
It's my opportunity to be close to God. I have always tried to be close to Him but I let myself go and let Him guide me when I lost my father. I let Him control my path and be humble to fate. For someone who is a strong character, it took me to lose my dad to understand that.
One year after dad's passing, the whole family will be there. I will pray for my dearest dad all the time. I will pray for calmness in my soul. I will pray for the health of my family. For those who have kept me in their prayers, I will repay you with my doas for you there.
Losing my dad changed me, totally. He taught me a lot in life, more in his death.
I miss you dad. I just know you are proud of me then and now because that is what you always conveyed to me.
I wish we could have you during this journey. But I will keep you in my doa's I promise. I know you will never be far.
They say, visiting Makkah and Medina is where we meet our Prophet Muhammad SAW and they always say that love God and the Prophet before anything else. I want to find that love and keep it with me.
May my niat & hajat be fulfilled, Insya Allah.
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