I haven’t blogged for the longest time. Not even the birth of my 4th child.

But today, I wanted to type out about my memory 6 years ago. Every Chinese New Year is always a painful phase for me to get by. 

22 Jan 2011 marks my 30th day of confinement after delivering Rania. My first princess. I was so eager to take a step out of the house. Get a breather. 

It was the first day of Chinese New Year. 

My parents and little sister were supposed to drive up to KL on that day. Everything was set. Luggage, hotel and time to leave home. 

5.30am my phone was ringing like crazy but I was too deep into sleep. Rania was giving me a hard time at night. 

Alfi was in the toilet. He quickly came out and he said ,”B, your sister has been calling you. It must be something urgent. You better call her back.”

Calls at that hour are always never pretty. 

I called back. 

My sister was crying over the phone to ask me to go to Changi General Hospital. Dad wasn’t breathing. He is all blue. 

I said ok. 

I sat on my bed. Rania still asleep. I told Alfi what happened. 

“I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do.”

“Ok you sit down for a while. Let me prepare the diaper bag”

“What diaper bag. We don’t have a diaper bag”

But he got it all done. God knows how he could think so fast during an emergency. I was still sitting there. Breathless.

“You better get ready. We got to go. You cannot do this.”

“I don’t know what to wear.”

My head wasn’t thinking at all. My dad. My pillar. My strength. The man who brought me up, accepted my character and gave me space to grow. The man who I can share with him my anger and frustration. My dreams and my hopes. And all he will do is to motivate and listen. 

He listens. 

“Anything. Just anything.”

We rushed to the hospital and Dad already completed his operation. He was blue. I touched him and I cried. I told him to be strong. 

But it was during the Chinese New Year that the ambulance response was late. It was during the Chinese New Year that they were understaffed. Didn’t help that they had trouble bringing my dad down from the master bedroom to the lift and from the lift to the ambulance. 

Today, I did my prayer. And as usual I do some quick simple doa. Same doa. For my family. 

Then Dad came to my mind. 

And I said, “Oh Allah, please tell my Dad that I miss him very much. Please tell him that i try not to think of him because I still have not gotten over his passing. Everytime I think of him, I will have tears lingering in my eyes. I can’t. I have to be strong for my family. My spouse and children esp needs me. I need to attend to the worldly matters as part of my responsibility. Pls tell Dad that I always miss him. It’s just that I have to get by the day.”

I recited Al-Fateha for my old man and I cried and cried and cried in the middle of the night while everyone was asleep. My husband and 4 children. 

I cried like 6 years ago. I forgot how painful it was until today. 

Dad, I know we will reunite later. Alfi always remind me, this world is temporal.

I love you Dad. 

I am a working mummy

Maybe some have heard or known but maybe some have not.
I hang my boots as a stay-at-home mum and picked up my heels again to be a working mummy.

Yes I did! After 20 months being at home. That's how old Radiah is today.

So for many SAHMs who welcomed me back then, it is time to bade me goodbye as I leave the boat.
But I pray you will not label me as a traitor to my children. For leaving the children behind in the hands of caretakers while I earn my dollars and cents.
I pray you do not look at me buying gifts for my children as an act just to appease them.
I pray you do not look at me as a woman who prioritize money over the well-being of the children.

But to be honest, I do not actually care about the label put upon me. Because only I know my intentions and I will only do what is best for my family.
I am a mother and a wife before anything else.

I have been on both sides of the world. Being a working mom and being stay at home mom.
I love being a working mom and I love being a stay at home mom. I am a woman and naturally I am fickle like that.

But in honest truth, whether working or not, I would love to have my kids by me 24/7
Is that possible?

Well I thought so.

So after I delivered by third sweetheart, I waved goodbye to the organisation I was working with for 5 years, determined never to return. Then I picked up my passion I built 10 years ago. I was telling myself 'Ahhh.. now I truly have the time to build whatever I would love to.'

So I continued trading which many ladies are doing today. Buy low; sell high. The cutting edge will be on the number of following and your own marketing. I know it is not easy but I thought since I already had a head start over the decade, why not? Every road surely has its challenges but I figured I got it.

Not how I would imagine it to be though.
I thought with my own office I was able to launch products and work from the comfort of home. Easy isn't it. Mail outs every 2 to 3 days in a week. Reply to customers at the comfort of my bed or while bringing the kids out for play.

Again to cut long story short, I thought it was easy. I thought so.

I underestimated being a stay at home mom. Ok wait.. there is a difference being a stay at home mom with a maid and without a maid. I was a stay at home mom without a maid. Of course the level of satisfaction is different but there I have my children asking for me from the moment they open their eyes till the time they close their eyes. Sometimes at night with their eyes closed also they can still call out for me.

I probably:

• change 10 to 15 diapers a day.
• Go into the showers up to 12 times a day (2 of which are mine).
• Prepare food like every other time.
• Make 15 milk bottles everyday.
• Get the laundry is done everyday.
• Iron everyone's clothes
• Send Rania to school.
• Check on her school work
• I am a person who must make my bed everyday including mopping it. 

There were so many things which I wanted to do for myself and I couldn't do.
But yes, I slept a happy woman. I sleep every night with pride and knowing that I took care of my cubs. I was there at their every fall. I was the one making their milk every time they are thirsty. I know the kind of food that goes inside their mouth.
Being a stay at home mom means I get my 10-min power naps in the cab or when the kids are having their afternoon naps or just anywhere.

During the 20 months which I was at home, the family did alright. Of course financially we were not as lavish as before. It was a sacrifice. Still I felt there were times were still able to eat nice food and kids still get their toys. I am so glad that my children are not very picky. During crunch times, $2 toys from Daiso make them happy.

Until we explored into a business adventure and explored it beyond what we thought was capable. That was when things took a downhill.

I would not say I suffered a loss or my own business suffered a loss. Whatever that I went through, the whole family went through with me. I probably felt so wrecked ad exhausted beyond words. It took me many months to recover financially and be on my feet again. It was not just financially that impacted me. It impacted me psychologically, mentally and I was drained.

Still, I was very lucky.
I was lucky that my losses took me only a few months to regain me back on my feet. I was lucky that I had people who believed in my intentions. I was lucky that I had many loved ones who told me that I would come out from this experience with greater maturity. It was definitely a lesson to learn and remember.

Like I said, whatever impacted me, impacted my family as well.

So I sat down one day and thought through the whole idea of being a stay at home mom.
Was I able to do with less? Not eating out most times? Not going out as much as I would like to? Take the buses and trains more than the cabs? Not buying any bags? or shoes? Not even getting myself new clothes?

Yes yes yes yes yes....

I am a very simple lady. Simple-minded as well.
During this stride, I learn a lot about humility. It pains you when people think you are unable to afford some things in life. It pains you when people puts you at a level below them.
But I have learnt to take the bullet. Swallowed the bitter pill.

I told myself it was God's way to teach me humility. Well, the lesson was a long time.
Long is subjective. In my case we were not looking at months. We were looking at years where I had to bite the bullet.
But after a while I got used to it.
I smile at during those instances. Because I know life is a wheel. I was up. Then i came down.
Today may be your day. Someday, my day will come. I kept my faith.

My husband always say my level of tolerance is very high. But I always reminded him that it is not up to us punish people or put them in their places. We leave it all to the Divine One.

My heart was very heavy to return back to work. I discuss this with the husband and he being the awesome one, he said he has no right to make me return to work because the responsibility to feed the family was him. Not me.
But I shared with him that the economy is on a downturn and we would not know what the future would hold for us.

Of course I had my breaking points. I had moments where I questioned God and His Intentions (which is awfully wrong to do). I wondered how long more. And those were also the times where we got our greatest test from the business ventures we did.
There were many payments we did not receive. Commissions we were not paid. We were shortchanged for the work we did.
But that was business. It was not like a 9 to 6 job which quantifies for $x every month, no matter how little or how hard we worked. Business is a risk.

Still, those who did what they did, I only prayed to Him that He took care of my family. My children especially, for they did not understand anything which was going on. I made sure they were carefree as much as they can be.

Hence, despite all that, I thank Him for the health he gave my whole family. I thank Him for the solid rock marriage I was in. It was a gift.

I took my last straw.
I consulted a close family friend and asked if I should go back to the working world. It was a short and simple question, to which I was given a short and sweet reply. "Yes."

So I finally swallowed the fact I was going to bid goodbye to my SAHM title. I worried a lot about the children. I wondered if they could go through the days without me.

Within 2 weeks, I secured a role. Again in the IT industry, after 11 years, that became my second passion. Well, I didn't think I was going to be selected. There were probably 40 of interviewed (or more). 4 selected. I was one of them. It was mind-blowing.
I was crying in happiness. I hugged my eldest daughter and she said, "Come siblings. Give mummy a hug. She got a job."

Funny thing, when the husband asked about my remuneration, I laughed and I said,"I have no idea."

3 weeks into the role now, alhamdulillah things are settling down. The whole family is getting into a regime and the children are so adaptable. I totally underestimated them.
Radiah did not ask to be breastfed during office hours. Riduan is so well-behaved. Rania stepped up to take care of her other siblings. I am so blessed.
The moment I stepped into the car, greeting everyone, that is the time when I immediately hear squeals, shouts and cries all at the same time. I will always smile.

Nothing beats coming home to the family. In life we all make sacrifices.
It is important to remind yourself that the sacrifice we make need not be the same as the others. While other mummies sacrifice being a SAHM, there are mummies who sacrifice by heading to a 8-hour job. Sacrifice is never quantifiable.

Am I pleasing myself for the fact I head back to work? No.

As I always say, keep the intentions right and let Him pave the way for you.



I know who I am.
I am a mummy. A wife. A working professional.
This itself is fi sabilillah.

What happens in 2015 remains in 2015

First blog post in 2016. I am too old for resolutions. I am taking life one day at a time.
I am already too tired to plan everything ahead and then get disappointed at times. So, it is always more exciting when impromptu.
For example, since I got married, I never plan for a child. And then they came like popcorns! Pop! Pop! Pop! 3 times.
See! What a joy!

Lol!

As much as I am looking forward to 2016, I am also very scared of what the future holds for me and my family. I only and always pray that we will all be kept in good health and in His blessings. I am more than happy to say goodbye to 2015 but at the same time, treachery onto a unknown future is scary as well.

Entrepreneurship struggles:
In 2015, Alfi and I made a decision to take a break from work. Embark on entrepreneurship and spend more time with the family especially when our third baby was coming. Was it easy? No. It was hell. But we pulled through the year and we made many triumphant memories along the way.
If you know of everyone sharing with you the goodness of entrepreneurship as if it is a bed of roses, never believe them 100%. The road is tough. It takes more than just resilience and perseverance. If you are doing a side business while working, it is a different story altogether. Alfi and I relied entirely on our skills and network to have things going in the house.

We aren't millionaires but we definitely came out of 2015 feeling proud that we pulled through thus far. We came out of 2015 stronger than we were before. Smarter, or shall I say more knowledgeable than we were before. We see more colours of people. We realised that the grass is not necessary greener on this side, as what you read in web journals on entrepreneurship. We sat back and reflected how we survived 2015 with 3 kids and we had no idea. It was the rezeki and barakah of our precious gifts - our children.

Will we continue this route? Insya Allah. We leave it all to Him to guide us and see if this route is best for family.

Desperately a Housewife:
It was the year that I changed my status from being a working mom to a housewife. It was not by choice to be exact. I had a tough pregnancy because of work discrimination. I guess after the third pregnancy over a span of 5 years in the same company, they think I am productive at night instead. Oh well. It was not a place to stay anyway. I couldn't drown myself in toxic environment anymore.

Here is the big but. But when I thought I was game to head back to the workforce after my maternity leave, I was held back totally by my baby girl. Largely due to the stress levels I had during my pregnancy and delivery, Radiah had reflux for 6 months and was intensely stress and clingy baby, only wanting to suckle on the good stuffs (you know what I mean). I was lucky that I had Alfi at home with me most times because I no longer had a maid (I refuse to die standing with one). Being a housewife was not a choice. I was in a situation where I could not go back to the workforce. I truly believe it is God's work to make my life as such. It makes me grounded and stay put.

In brief, as much as all the stress I had with a newborn and 2 other very young children, not being able to see my bank account magically have money inside at the end of every month, I was deeply happy. Even when Alfi had to leave his whole family behind for 2 weeks to di his Umrah. I really thank my mom for putting up at my place during that time, tolerating the cries, the mess, the riot, everything!



Truth is, I was happy that I managed to see my children grow up from morning till night, everyday for the whole of 2015. I was there when the kids are sick at every moment. I was there to cook and feed everyone in the house which makes me realise the depth of love I have for my family. I was there to make sure that the kids were having enough nutrients and water. I was there to make sure the kids were able to spend time in playgrounds and with their Nani.

Those moments are precious.

Of course, we kept our expenses lean. Alhamdulillah despite the periods we had stormy weather, we felt we gave the kids more than enough. In fact, they refused to have a bibik (maid) at home which is a trophy statement for me.
I became smarter in spending and even working out the household expenses. The children still have nice clothes and they get to have whatever they like to eat. Toys was every week or so. Mummy gets a bag or two in a year, a shoe or two. I don't need much. I want a lot! But never needing them. (Needs vs Wants)

Yes, I have a husband who gives me all his earnings and let me decide on expenditure. I will end up just making sure he has cash in his wallet, petrol in his car, season parking settle, remind him of insurance and road tax and of course check his account if he has some money to spend.

But trust me, without a maid, I save a lot (and I really mean a lot!) of money!

2016:
The husband and I are looking forward to 2016. We made ourselves smarter this year than last year. We learn about people well enough. It is also the year where Rania will start school. Schedules and priorities will change. Another year of settling down, hoping to find a new home. Another year of changes. Both Alfi and I are tuned, maybe immune but we take a day at a time.



To my family,
We have braved the storm in 2015. A year we hope to normalise and tie the loose ends. Each and everyone is a gift from God to me and the 5 of us is what I treasure most.

May we snap many more pretty pictures and weave beautiful memories together in good health.

In summary, this is how I will showcase my 2015.



To many good days in 2016, AMIN!

Radiah - A birth story out of the ordinary

It is almost a year that I blog and now that I am resuming, I want to share about my birth story with Radiah.
One of the reasons for the major delay was that I was not sure if I wanted to share this delivery story. I contemplated for the longest time in my life. At the same time, Radiah was also a challenging baby that you can literally get nothing done for many months ahead of her birth.

But I do have readers (amazingly!) who wonder and ask if I were to ever blog again. Haha! I know definitely that I will still want to blog for many years to come.

So, as usual, I want to share because every birth story is unique and every delivery is etched in a mother's mind. So even after almost a year, I can share with you my journey as if I had delivered yesterday.

So close to 34 weeks, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes (GD). I felt my world crumbling on me. If you know me well enough, I am such a food lover. I eat over many occassions - through stressful times, happy moments, disappointed moments. So to be striped off the joy of food was living torture for me. I was hospitalised for 3 nights and being put on a diabetic diet. It suck big time. I probably lost weight and grumble that I do not have enough to eat. I mean, whoever loves dry plain biscuits and sugarless milo for tea or the fish that they served me for lunch was smaller than my palm.

When I was back home, I needed to prick myself 10 times a day to watch my sugar diet and it continued for the next 3 weeks. At that moment, I felt for the diabetics out there. I was lucky not to be on insulin but to prick my fingers 10 times a day makes it so painful because after a while, you do not know which point to poke anymore and everywhere is swollen. I was in the brink of tears.

My mom advised me to blend long beans and drink the juice twice a day. Damn! That was really diuretic. I did nothing but head to the loo every hour or so. It didn't help too that I was late into pregnancy and the baby was really pressing on the bladder.

Then my cousin advised me to drink apple cider vinegar (ACV) before meals. Gosh! Whoever loves the taste and the smell of it? But like I said, I was desperate. I poured a tablespoon of ACV to half a glass of water and drank. Within moments, I was a little dizzy. I knew I was low on sugar because I hadnt eaten anything. Took a sugar test. 4.4.
I was damn excited. So I grabbed anything to eat to ease my dizziness.

So I suffered a week and spent the other 2 and a half weeks eating whatever I wished for. Whatever the throat wants, the throat gets. But the trick is to drink half a glass of ACV before every meal. So I carry a syringe of 10ml of ACV (I used my kiddo's medicinal syringe) everywhere I went. Kept my sugar in check and my gynae was pretty happy about it.


I swear this was my best friend.

Still I was keen to be induced at 37 weeks, since baby was getting bigger and I wanted to get off the diagnosis of GD. So at 37 weeks and 3 days, we planned for an induced labour. Placenta was still low and baby was expected to be 3.2kg.

Alfi and I were excited to have her out though we always wondered how we are going to manage with 3 children. But we comforted ourselves that it was the same question we have everytime we had another baby and we have always survived - Alhamdulillah!

Somehow I do not look very pretty or good during girl pregnancies. But it is really a small price to pay to have your little one.

This was me on 23 January, 8.30am going to the labour ward. Super huge and I insist that I brought 2 extra home pillows.


Looking back, I was huge, weighing almost 90kg. Which wasnt my heaviest pregnancy. Ranis still holds the record for me being at 93kg at full term.

When we were assigned to our labour room, I was super relived that I had the same orientation of the room as I delivered Rania and Riduan. Somehow it gave me a better sense of settling down.


Labour wards were full. Nurses and midwives were busy. So not to trouble everyone, I asked for an epidural to be given to me. I learnt my lesson during Riduan's delivery that it was damn painful to burst the water bag without the epidural.
So the anaesthetist came. A chinese guy and did a splendid job compared to Riduan's delivery.

I rested and oxytocin was wired in. Contractions came and I was handling it pretty ok. Nothing dramatic. Alfi even managed to catch some sleep and so did I.


8 hours into the contractions, I was 5cm dilated and I knew my epidural was running out fast so I called for the nurses top up ASAP before it was too late. I could go from 5cm to 10cm in 20 MINS!!!

Within 40 mins, I was fully dilated and was ready to go. The midwives switched off the epidural (which I don't understand why!) and made me push to crown. I told myself,"this is easy peasy."I was expecting to see my baby in 20 mins. But I was wrong.

The whole ordeal took me 90 mins with contractions coming in every other minute. The nurse made me push and push and I kept asking her if I was crowning yet. She kept nodding and I was getting pretty irritated. Of all times, the delivery period is never a time to test anyone's patience!

With my legs open, exhausted and sweating, no one was telling me what was going on. I was holding up to so much pain. I wanted to scream,"GIVE ME A C-SECT NOW!" I wasn't crowning yet but I already felt the head in between my legs. The nurse insisted I kept pushing. I thought she was crazy. I only had 2 dates prior to delivery and water since I had to keep my sugar on a low.

Everytime I pushed, I felt the baby kicking me up on my diaphragm. It was a feeling I never felt before in my previous experiences. I started to sweat and told the nurse to keep the temperature down. She said,"It's very cold already. You not cold ah?"

"No. I am sweating and I am giving birth so I need the air con." I made Alfi turn the temperature down. Still I felt warm. So I told Alfi to fan me. I had no idea what he used. It wasn't a moment to remember such memories. I told him to fan harder and faster. I got thirsty and kept asking Alfi for a few sips of ice water.

With every push I made, I still felt my baby kicking me up. She was kicking my stomach up and I felt like vomiting all the water I have drank. I was still sweating and the back started to hurt that I told Alfi to fan me and press on my back and I kept telling him "Harder b. Harder!" He was very exasperated.

I kept on with my istirghfar throughout the whole ordeal. Seek God for forgiveness. At the same time I prayed for whoever had seek for my prayers.

Then a Malay nurse came in. She was very determined to help me get the baby to crown. I found a new sense of motivation. It was too late to do a c-sect and I cannot bear the pain any longer. So I decided to put my mind to it. No more water. No more pressing on the back.

This time around, I wanted to make sure I did it - quick. I asked her if my baby was coming out. She said that my pushes are strong and good but the baby doesn't seem to want to come out. I kept telling my baby not to kick me. So the next contraction came and again and again and I pushed and I pushed and Alfi pressed under my breast bone to make sure the baby wouldn't kick me.

That too, I had to tell him to press on my stomach harder. And I saw him press so hard that he shivered and I felt no pain. Still no baby. The Malay nurse read the istighfar with me each time I was waiting for the next contraction. When the wave came, she raised her voice, giving new motivation each time,"Ok Mima push now. Don't give up. We can already see the head. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10 and rest."

Baby wasn't coming out still. I cried. Look at the husband who was already pale. He knew I was very good at pushing out a baby. He had no answer for me for the first time. I told him I was in so much pain but all he could do was to rub my hands and say,"Selawat banyak banyak"

"Where is the gynae?" I kept asking. "We called for her. She should be on her way."
When the gyanae came in 15 mins later, I managed to ask out loud,"Where were you?" Apparently she was stuck in class.
So she took her apron and gloves and told me to push.

"Ok Nuramima, you ok?," she asked.
"No. Baby is not coming out."
"Ok we wait for the next contraction."

Before I could say anything, the next wave came and I pushed and by then she probably figured out why. I felt some hand intervention (God knows what happen) but finally my little baby was out. She cried and I breathed out in relieved. But I was wondering why they never put the baby on me immediately.

So the senior sister said,"Your baby is a little swollen, probably because she was stuck inside for quite sometime and she came out facing upwards towards you." Now that explains the kicking and painful labour.
I was like,'OK.. so are you going to show me my baby?'

When they finally put her on me, I cried. Not out of happiness this time but out of sympathy that she went through what she did.

They quickly took her away, cleaned her up and let Alfi give her the azan. After which when my gynae was sewing me up, there were a team of doctors who came around my baby and I was trying to hear what they said. But I was super exhausted and had zero energy.

Everyone was busy and no one would be able to answer me if my baby was going to be alright. Again, I lay there helpless.


I had a marginal placenta previa and the baby was unable to turn and she had a hard time coming out as the placenta is blocking her way. I am so thankful that we did not have to go through any forcep or vacuum because my pushes were hard enough.



But even after saying so, I look like a major wreck after the whole ordeal.
Nonetheless she belongs to our family and we will love her no matter what.


We hid her bruise and swell in this picture which covered her left side of forehead and eyes.

Her Nani was, as usual, the first one there to see if she is doing ok.




The same day, her siblings met her.


We slowly figured that because my placenta was low, she only moved one side throughout the third trimester. Plus the placenta was covering her forehead and eyes that the whole area was swollen and bruised and that would also explain how she came out facing up because she was not able to turn!

My poor baby. She must have been so traumatised that she refuses to be with anyone but me and went through digestive reflux over the first six months.

I texted my aunty who is a Captain Midwife in Oman and shared with her my experience. I showed her pictures of my baby and she told me that it was normal. Posterior birth has longer labour and delivery is much more painful. She assured me that the swell and bruise will subside in about 2 weeks. Indeed she was right!

Radiah in the next couple of days in the hospital.

















We had rough months. Really rough.
She wasn't a happy baby for the next 7-8 months. But Alhamdulillah, we are settling down now. Which is why I can probably spend a little more time at night to write up an entry blog.

Today she turn 11 months. Everyone is more approachable to her because she is smiling and laughing a lot more. She is truly a fighter in every sense, including being fiesty to her other two siblings when they take away the toys in her hand.

Happy 11th month baby.




A lot of people advise me not to share my birth journey but to me this is knowledge to be shared with everyone. Not many will experience a posterior birth. The chances are small but you can understand what to do and see the signs if you happen to come across with one. But yes, I shared the story almost a year later. Because I wanted to settle down with my little one and my family of 5 now.
It has been a storming 2015 for us but Insya Allah that only proves our resilience and may Allah grant us ease in our journeys ahead.

Over many years, I have readers who reach out to me with queries on my wedding, my pregnancies, fashion. Those who drop me a note to seek opinion on parenting matters like "What stroller should I get?". Please keep them coming if you have any to ask. I am more than happy to reply.

Till the next news on pregnancy and delivery. I am not planning on another one soon because I want to spend a little more time with the 3 children. Rania is growing up too fast and Riduan and Radiah are always fighting for my attention.
No, I am not done yet, Insya Alllah! May Allah give me health, strength and rezeki!

Amin!

My 37-week Journey

I find a terrible sense of urgency to write up this blog entry. Everything was in a state of craziness for the longest time that I was too exhausted to blog, despite missing in writing.

On 19th January, me and the little girl inside hit 37 weeks! Technically we are full term and baby girl can be popping out anytime.
Oh yes, I have been having ALL the pre-labour symptoms since a few days back. All of it!
So mummies, if you are getting an SG50 baby this year and will be in my shoes soon, here are all the symptoms that you might have.

1. Backache
In this 3rd pregnancy, I have the worst backache ever! It doesn't help that I am making 2 to 3 trips to the toilet every night. Getting up from bed after sleep is a chore. I will be walking like an old woman to the toilet.
I am not as mobile as I would like to be during this pregnancy. I love walks. I can go for walks but now, I will have to take a 15-minute break to rest my back after a long walk. To kick off the walking pace again would also be a chore. But me being me, I really cannot see myself sitting down and resting at home. I feel so.. so... useless.

2. Leaking
Hahahaha.. I leak ever since my first pregnancy. It is and will never be the same again and we all have to live with that in exchange for the beauty of pregnancy and seeing an adorable mould coming out from you.

I used to think sanitary pads are meant for those times of the month. Oh well, not for me.

3. Contractions
Oh yes! I started having Braxton Hicks pretty late into the pregnancy. Sometime around 33 to 34 weeks. That is considered late for me because my children have a habit of coming out 3 weeks earlier than due date. But, this time around, my pre-labour contractions are the most painful among all my 3 pregnancies. I am beginning to think that I am getting old.

It's always tempting to go to the hospital and see if it is due, especially over the last few days but I had to hold back. There was no regularity in the contractions. Then again, I never experienced that. In my first pregnancy, my water bag leaked and I was induced. In the second pregnancy, I was dilated and I was induced.

I faced real contractions delivering Riduan because my epidural wore off. I remembered tearing in pain begging for more epidural. So until i reach half that stage of pain, I will hold off the hospital visit.

4. Cramps
I probably have not had my mensus cramps in the longest time. Since Feb 2013. That makes it almost 2 years when I conceived Riduan, breastfed him and conceived the third child. But yes, it was all coming back to me now.

5. Pelvic Pressure
This has been my accompanying friend for the longest time. When my bladder is full. When I walk. When I bend down to pick up things. My baby girl was already head down at 33 weeks, so this is really no surprise.

6. Baby 'drops'
This too I experienced earlier in the pregnancy, when I was about 34 weeks. Suddenly, I can walk longer, breathe better and laugh harder! I thought it wasn't so obvious, but everyone seems to be noticing it too.. so I definitely can't go wrong.

7. Diarrhea
I am a constipated person by nature. No amount of vegetables can help me with this because it is just what iron does to me. So instead of going to the loo once in every 3 days, I am doing it 3 times a day now. And it is very different feeling.

8. Stop gaining weight
Just a week ago, I lost half a kilo and baby gained 600g. So that makes me 1.1kg lighter.
I would think this is partly due to the change of diet I have since I am controlling my sugar intake and also my new regime of taking the organic apple cider vinegar which helps with weight loss. I also follow the chinese tradition of drinking long bean and tomato juice for diuretic purposes. It's nice to feel lighter despite carrying a rice sack weight in front.

9. Nesting period
This time around, my nesting period kicked in very very much later. Maybe at 35 and 36 weeks or so. I wait for nature to take its course.
But when it came, I was arranging my baby's clothes, re arranging the laundry area and my kitchen. I even am having half the mind to clear up my store. Lol!

So to sum up this pregnancy, I really did not have the best of times (though all makan cravings have been checked and satisfied).Work had been obsessively demanding, creating a lot of unnecessary stress. I had a difficult time keeping Her Closet in regular momentum. I come home late or exhausted that I get too tired to spend time with Rania and Riduan. Not a single date with my husband till I was on hospitalisation leave.

It was also the time when we moved in to our home in Ang Mo Kio and my leave was not cleared. There was no way of settling down. Till today we are still trying to settle down. Then, there were other home issues which made me and hubby taking up a lot of time to normalise for the family.

Hopefully 2015 will spell out a better year for us both and for the family. Here is the journey of my pregnancy for through the 37 weeks.

At 11 weeks, during Eid, still have the urge to wear heels.



15 weeks



16 weeks



18 weeks



20 weeks



23 weeks
I think I look the best here. Not too big. Not too small but well, it was not the end of the journey.



24 weeks



26 weeks



28 weeks



30 weeks
I begged Alfi to bring me to KL to have my feast before I got heavier and could not manage the two kids. It was not an easy trip but we survived!
We booked a hotel at Westin to make it easier for us to head down to Pavillion. Basically we only stayed at B1 and eat and eat and eat.



31 weeks



32 weeks
Some thought I was pregnant with a boy because I did not grow as wide as a girl pregnancy.



35 weeks
Diagnosed with gestational diabetes, it was hell till I found a remedy and resumed the joy of eating again.



36 weeks
Still 0cm dilated during the check up.



37 weeks
The final stretch. Met the gynae at 37+3 days and was already 2.5cm dilated so we scheduled an induced delivery the following day.
I am not a person who can live with anticipation nor someone who would be calm with surprises, hence the willingness to be induced through normal delivery.



Pregnancy has always been a joy for me. To know that I was given the opportunity to carry a little one inside me is a gift. To know that the little one carves out another milestone for the family is too precious to let go.
There is only so many times a woman can go through pregnancy - biologically. So every one is memorable for me.

The target was 5. We have hit 3, past half way mark. I do not have many more chances and the clock is ticking.
If He gives, we shall embrace. That's all I would say.

Till the birth story of my little princess.

I am watching you

Being a mother for almost 3 years, I still go to work with a heavy heart every single day,
I can only count a handful number of times when I leave the kids with my mom or sis so that I can date the husband.
I want my children everywhere with me. Even though it is tiring. Even though I am pregnant with my third baby.
And I have this habit that I do not like to bring my helper when I head out. I prefer quality family time.
I prefer to be doing everything. I prefer the non-existence of a stranger.

I think not many can understand or adopt my style. But that is me.
My family is exclusive to me.

I have to admit my weakness is my paranoia. Especially when I head to work and leave the kids behind with the maid.
Which mother would not right?
It heightens for me when I have my own place to stay and I need to plant a seed of faith that my children will be taken care of.

Alfi always knows how to calm his wife. So off he went to get a home camera for me to view the kids from work.
He fixed up the camera. He help me download the app, set up the account and all I needed to do was just to launch the application and I am a happy mommmy!

I am really appreciative of such things, really.

This is the camera he bought and we only placed one first in the living room. The camera can rotate about 270 degrees and comes with 16 hours recording.



Details of the camera can be found here.

So go get your hubbies purchase this for a peace of mind. We bought it for $199 in Challenger but it is really worth it!







The picture could have been clearer but I picked on a lower resolution so that the streaming is faster. It could also take pictures while you watch.
The best of it all is that I can call them from my iPhone and watch them on my phone at the same time. So it is very heartwarming to actually see how they talk to me on the phone.

Work still continue as usual as I plug my earphones to hear what is going on in the house and at the same time I will be able to see movement in the living room and kitchen. I can even hear how many time Rania sings her 'Let it go' songs.
I will know when the maid should switch on the TV, or make sure Rania is not standing too close to the television.
If they are not in the living room for a long time, then I will call to check where they are and what they are doing.

There is a speaker function when I can call out for the kids or the maid just by talking through the phone. But I will not do that unless in case of emergency and the helper needs attention.

Many asked me if the maid knows that I installed a camera to look at her. Again I left that to Alfi.
She has no clue!



Apparently, he made it look as it we placed a long item on our bookshelf. So glad I married an engineer.
Haha!

So ladies, go get a home camera and get a peace of mind. It is priceless!

Welcome to the family!

Many whom I have shared that I am pregnant again, gave me different reaction.
Some could not believe that I conceived again soon after Riduan's birth. Some cannot believe how I even let myself in the situation. Some even thought I was crazy. Some was not very happy that it was too soon. Some became speechless. Some thought I am a pretty strong woman to be able to put my mind on number 3.

Many who knew me also would have known that I wanted a big family. As big as it can get because my heart can fill them in.

But I always had one principle. Let God decide when is the best time for my pregnancy.

I admit, I never expected myself to get pregnant again so soon and at the same time, I was quite apprehensive because I was still trying to juggle with two children and work was indeed so demanding that I am not sure if there is any work-life balance anymore (or even is there such an ideal?)
I went through a phase after delivering Riduan that both will cry for milk at the same time. Both will seek for attention at the same time.
How to even think of number 3?!?

But I was going to make sure that I would not want to carry on the guilt like how I did with Riduan.
So I made myself embrace the pregnancy very quickly the moment I found out. I knew He plans the right time for the family to have another child though it seems tough.

Workplace is becoming very toxic and I needed to move house, all during my pregnancy. I am exhausted to my bones.

But I still lie in bed and thank Him for all that He had arranged for me. It could have been worse for me and the family. So my little baby is really a saviour for all of us.

I have been unknowing about the pregnancy and there were no tell tale signs for the longest time.
6 months after delivering Riduan, I still did not have my monthly cycle. I read up and since I was semi-breastfeeding, some forums mentioned that it could take up to 8 months for the cycle to come back.

So I gave myself that timeframe. Anything more than a year, I will head down to visit my gynae.
Still, I was taking my pregnancy tests every 2 weeks and all came back negative. But there was a time when Alfi went Hawaii and I lapse with my checks because I thought it was not necessary. Who would?!?!?

So there was a day when we had to send Rania to KK for her croup and Alfi insisted that we fill up our tummies a little from Mac'D so that we will not go hungry.
If you know me, Mac'D was a favourite of mine!
But on that day, I wanted to puke at Mac'D. I forced down a Fillet and did not like it.

Of course Alfi thought that it was strange. It is just not me. He thought he did me a favour so he told me to do a home-test.
After we headed home from KKH, I settled the kids down and did my test at about 2.30am.

I went straight to the room and told Alfi,"B, I'm pregnant."
With his eyes half-open, he said,"Why do you always have to tell me in the middle of the night? Congratulations."

The following day, I quickly scheduled a session with my gynae and met her a few days later. I was actually quite curious how long have I been pregnant.

Gynae: When was your last mensus?
Me: Never had since my second delivery.
Gynae: Wah the sanitary pad company don't get money from you.

So she checked the size of the foetus and confirmed it to be 8 weeks.
8 weeks?!?!?!?
I was pregnant 8 weeks and I didn't know. I only thought I was bloated and was gearing up to get my cycle back again.

But we were very happy. I had no prenatal care and I pray everything is ok.

At 15 weeks, I asked the gynae if we could see the gender. I saw Riduan's at 16 weeks. I was very happy when she said,"I see very penyet (flat)and got equal sign."
Yeay!! Finally Rania will have a sister. I know what it is like to have a sister and I really wanted one for her.
So the other 2 children (after the 3rd one) can come in any gender. My mind is at ease.

Alhamdulillah.

This is me at 14 weeks





15 weeks



And today 16 weeks.



Come beginning next week, I turn 17 weeks! That's pretty quick isn't it!!!

I still feel bloated some days and the stomach is bigger. This time around I take care of my food intake better.
Especially when work can get merciless.

I have the same symptoms when I was pregnant with Rania but milder so I can only be thankful. The asthma, the pimples, the nose redness are all milder than with Rania. In fact weight gain has also been slow which makes me estatic. I am still wearing size M of maternity clothes. (Big Hurray!)

At the end of the day, I love being pregnant. I get a little bit more attention from the husband and he insists no public transportation for me. He makes sure I am getting enough rest and making the maid do most of the things. He succumbs to my cravings everytime. The world is just mine when I am pregnant.
So why do you think I do not mind going through this again and again.

Please pray for the well-being of me and the little baby inside. May we have a nice bond and incubating journey together.
Amin!

Another move. Another phase.

It has been a very long time since I feel this exhausted.
We moved back to our home after two and a half years at my mom's place after dad passed away.

I wished we could stay a little longer because I could be more dependant on more people.
But at the same time, the space would not allow us to, especially with another child on the way.
So after a long time, we are now home-bound. It is a time when I truly get to experience life as a mother and a housewife.

Back home, I suddenly feel in control. I must make a decision what to cook and not ask around if anyone is cooking. And cooking is not my forte.
My friends and social peers have been getting messages from me on recipes. I go to more supermarkets so I can remember where I can get some things which are not available in other supermarkets.

In my home, the system and structure is my own. I get to tell the maid exactly how I want it to be done. How I want it to be arranged.

When we moved back in, I was doing most of the cleaning. 70% of the cleaning compared to the maid.
A lot of people told me to just leave it to the maid but I insist on setting standards. Put a benchmark on cleanliness. Create a system. Then just get her to follow suit.

Because of the many moves Alfi had made and we as a family making the third move, there are a lot of boxes to clear. Toys to clean. Painting works are on hold after we have completed the children's room and the master bedroom.

Our sofa is still covered with a blanket. We have yet to purchase our dining table.

I am taking it one day at a time. A lot of people are expecting us to host a house warming.
But it is really not my style. I do invite groups of families and friends from time to time but that is about it.
I really don't believe in taking up people's time to show my house. If we are close enough, I rather cook up something simple and you can pop by for us to share some stories.

We will still take a few more weeks to settle down, definitely.
Being on my own with the family means that I am more hands-on more than before. The kids are like in my face all the time. I really enjoy it.

Believe it or not, I don't only feel more like a wife, I feel more like a mother too!



I cannot be more thankful. They are truly the reason why I would wake up every morning and do it all over again.
It is true when people say you have to move out after getting married. After almost 4 years, I can slowly understand why.