The world is a crazy place to live in. 

All of us do face challenges in life regardless of all the smiles we post on social media. It's no secret. 

That's just how life is. 

During my quick lunch or tea break dates with my husband on weekdays, we share a lot of things going on in our lives. That includes work, family and of course our children. We have a very open communication and always agree to disagree. Or agree to really disagree. 

The reason why we practice this is because we are each other's confidante. If we can't agree to disagree then it is pointless to share and probably as time passes by, there will be lesser things to talk. 

One of the things we always contemplate between us was how challenging it was to get married. How challenging it was that we had a house and a child very quickly. How our lives change with a blink of an eye when my dad left us and the dynamics of family change again. And then we were blessed and tested with another baby. We were always trying to manage how to operate productively. 

Over the time, we got better financially. We handled the children better. Career and business ideas were progressive. 

Then we are now blessed with our third baby probably when Riduan was only 7 months. 

How do we operate now?

Challenges at work also hit us head on for the two of us. Needing to bring home the bread and butter, we are each other's advisors to manage situations better. While Alfi is very protective by nature and always teach me the fine characters to carry myself well in the office, I deem myself as his 'First Lady'.  I never fail to attend his company gatherings, engage everyone and after that share my thoughts of his colleagues and subordinates. 

Life being married is different. Life as a mother is different. My priorities change and took a 180-degree turn. 

Some may understand. Of course many do not. Some assume and some give us a real good (sarcasm for tough) time. Some paint pictures which are false and some really put oil to fire. 

Whatever the situation, I do not retaliate. Maybe a mere 20-30 percent only to stand up for myself a little. But most times I avoid those people. I refuse to engage. I will never bring myself down to that level. 

In times like this, I raise my two hands and seek from Him to protect my family. Give us health and berkat rezeki. I pray for my marriage. I pray for my husband and his future. I pray for my family.

Then I pray for myself. 

Today, I made a mental note that I will never forget the things I go through over the past few years. I will not make myself forget. These are valuable lessons. Something that schools will never teach you. I will not forget the people who give me a hard time when I least needed it because  it serves me as a reminder how nasty people can get. 

There was a saying. Forgive and forget. 

I forgive. Most times I do. 

But never once will I forget. 

Insya Allah in time the wheel will come back up for me. I have faith. 

But my life experiences will always remind me what I have been through and make me stay grounded. 

This is life. All of us were promised to be tested. 

It is a mad world. 

Welcome aboard Riduan!

This birth story is coming in very late but it doesn't matter.
Because every birth story is unique. You can give birth 10 times and you have 10 stories to tell.
Thanks to the maids (yeah I changed 4 in 8 months) that all I ever was doing in the house was orientation and getting all stressed up because they are just getting on my nerves. Please don't judge me because I am very nice to maids.
I believe they are here to find money to bring back to their home but alas, not many have that mindset.

But yeah, so far my pregnancy with Riduan was pretty smooth. Asthma was at bay despite whenever I am hit with flu, it will drag for two weeks. This birth story is a must write. Because I wrote one for Rania.
So if I am planning to have 5 kids (6 is bonus, 7th heaven is the limit), there will be at least 5 birth stories to tell.

With Riduan, again, I was hospitalised on 1st October for high blood pressure and then on hospitalisation leave for 2 weeks. In between, I went for another check up at 36 weeks. I was already 2cm dilated. So gynae suggested that we arrange for a delivery the following week. Otherwise if there was any pain, I have to check into the labour ward.

Challenging times because Alfi would not allow me to carry Rania and he said I must have a lot of bed rest. I was going to die if it was bed rest!
I insisted to go out and take a walk. Window shop. Have coffee. Whatever that makes me get out of the house and breathe the air outside.

So on 10th Oct, I felt aching pain and heavy down there. I checked into the labour ward thinking that I was going to deliver but was sent home because they felt that it would be too premature to induce. Baby was 36week +4 days.
I found out later on that there were not enough beds. Everyone wanted to give birth on 10-10.

So I was having Braxton Hicks and was in pain on and off all the time. I told Alfi I wanted to deliver because I rather have him out then having to withstand the pain. Again we realised it was a bad date. 13-10-13.
We called the hospital and again they said all beds were full. Darn.

15th Oct was Hari Raya Haji. I was glad I booked my scheduled induce delivery on the 16th. I was playing with the holidays and making sure that Alfi could spend as much time with me.
16th Oct was also full but luckily mine was pre-booked.

We were told to arrive the hospital at 6am on that day but since I have trouble sleeping and I didnt want to rush to the hospital.
I was heavy and any anxiety will not help.
Before I left, I gave Rania kisses and hugged her till Alfi was ready to go. I felt very emotional that she was no longer going to be the only child. I enjoyed splurging all my attention to her and that was going to end.

So we arrived the hospital at 8.30am. Of course got some warning from the nurses but who cares. I am with KT Tan.
*lol*

A revisit to the labour ward. It was the same configuration during Rania's birth and I am only happy and comfortable to accept it. Somehow I feel a different configuration may affect my senses. hahaha! I am not very receptive to change actually.



These are always must take pictures.





The anticipation of the new baby.

I knew what my birthing plan was going to be. Epidural.
I was not going to let medical technology go to waste. I wanted to be as comfortable as I can when I deliver.
I had no pain delivering Rania and the anaesthetist was awesome.

Apparently, my fate with Riduan was not the same. As mine was induced labour, they had to break my waterbag and since I looked comfortable, I was not given my epidural. They yanked me up there again and again. I bled and bled but the waterbag was not broken.
At the third try and so much prayers to Him, they manage to break my waterbag.

One hour later no pain and then they kicked in the oxytocin.
Bearable pain came in an hour later. I was dilated 3.5cm 3 hours later. It felt like eternity.
Family and friends were probably anticipating a quick delivery especially when it was the second one.

So I requested for the epidural, hoping I can relax and dilate faster.
I was shocked when Alfi was not allowed during the procedure, followed by disappointed and scared.
No one can comfort me like Alfi does. Plus during the procedure, I will squeeze Alfi's hands and he will just have to take the pain. I cannot do that with a nurse!!! Oh well, I did and she released her hand.

The anaesthetist I got was also sucky. She was pan-asian and snobbish and I could feel that she didn't do as good a job as the previous one I had.
I was still feeling pain and discomfort because she gave me half the dose than I previously had. During the labour process, I was told that I could only press for the morphine every 15 mins. And I did.
Little did I know that the more you keep pressing, the machine is intelligent enough to know that patient is in pain and release the morphine faster.

Towards the end I was really suffering.

At 6.50pm I complained of pain. Epidural wore off.
Nurses check and I was 5cm dilated. I was like,"what?!?! half way more to go?"

I didn't want to be a pain too so since I was only 5cm dilated, I let them take their time a little.
Then in 20 mins, I complained of pain again. They checked me and I was fully dilated.

Yes! It was 5 cm in 20 minutes!!!!




I was crying asking for epidural. Plus I was hungry so the gynae was saying,"ok you hungry right? Quickly push and after that can eat."
In my head I was like,"what the hell!! come lah come lah let's push. Get it over and done with!!!"

This time around, I knew how it feels like to have the real contractions and having to push a baby.
I was asking myself what did I get myself into and I swore I was not going to go through this again. But I am a very objective person. So I just wanted to get the baby out.
I pushed more than I needed to with Rania. Probably because Riduan was a bigger baby.

3 pushes to crown and 6 pushes for Riduan to greet all of us. The moment he came out, I was so relief and tears flowed down my eyes.
Two times in a row Alfi cried at my delivery and again he gave me a peck on the forehead and another on the lips.




Moments after delivery



We welcomed guests with goodies. I have this habit of staying a bit longer at the hospital so that I can recover better.
I am patient enough to bring the baby home. Plus, I am more comfortable for guests to come by my ward to visit me and the baby.





During my stay, I try to spend a lot of time with Rania. I feel for her that she was no longer the only child.



Here was Riduan at Day 1 to 3 at the hospital







Yes I bottle fed him from the beginning. Nurses warned me that the baby will get confused with a mother's nipple and the bottle's nipple. I think its bullshit. When the baby is hungry, they will surely accept ANY nipple.
Today I am still breastfeeding Riduan. Not fully since I am already at work but I have been successful. He still wants to latch to me, especially before his naptimes.

3 days later it was take home baby.



8 months later, here is my baby boy.



I know I have said so much about not fancying a baby boy but I am here to declare that I swallow my words.
He is such a smiley and friendly baby that it is so easy for anyone to fall in love with him. Everyone adores him with his carefree nature.

I'm sorry son. It was just me and my hormones that got the better of me probably but I am here to love you for the rest of my life.
Rania is my sunshine. You are my wombat.

I love you both. Not equally. Not the same. But very much sincerely.

Finding love

After a long time, I am burning the midnight oil to write in this entry. Rania slept early and I have completed all the other things I needed to.
Lately, I felt like I had too many things at my hand all at once, that I admit I prioritise somethings more than others.

Firstly, I had my period 5 days late. Nausea, dizziness, refuse to eat and I was confident that I was going through my first trimester.
3 pregnancy sticks and I was still negative. I even resorted to buying the $25 digitial pregnancy kit test but it was still negative. I was frustrated but at the same time scared that there is a health issue that I did not know.

So now I know I am not pregnant, I went to the doctor to discuss on my symptoms which he merely suspected that I was too tired.

Because of that, I rarely spent time with Rania and I swear I hate myself. When I get to, I am drained that all I wish was for her to head to bed early. (how can i not hate myself)
That also explains my quiet Instagram and occasional Facebook activity.

Everything was demanding. Tuition classes were kicking off. Work was demanding because I am really taking on 3 HUGE projects, excluding all the administration work which we can never run away from.
I really did not expect a promotion. From the day I accepted the offer, it was the same day that emails multi folds, internal meetings doubled and external meetings tripled. I am not kidding. I told Alfi that I could not carry my backpack any longer.
It was taking a toll on my back that I could not carry Rania when I came home.

With his bonus, he gifted me a laptop trolley bag which I am so grateful for it.
(We make an effort to present each other with something not too expensive each time we get our yearly bonus.)

I put my photography and home business aside and that of course impacted me. But it was my choice and I had to face the music. I had too but I had to maintain my pace at work and make them know that it was not a mistake to give that new role to me.

It was three weeks ago when mum announced that we were going for Umrah. So many things just run in my head that I got disorientated. I did not know what to do, how to feel, what to expect.

Can you imagine, I did not even know that it was winter and I was rushing before the year-end sale last year to get Rania some warm clothes, socks, stocking up her milk and buying new bottles because now her milk demand increases.

I did not even know what to bring, what to wear, what to wear to the airport, what to standby in the plane. I did not know what the itenary means.
I still need to find the right diaper bag to carry and I finally finalised the things I need to bring to Makkah and Medinah. I needed to dress properly yet practically for the pilgrimage because Rania will be with me. Alfi and I need to strategise on what bags to carry and hand-carry into the cabin because I need to push the pram and take care of Rania.

I feared if I got sick and quickly scheduled appointments with my asthma specialist, allergy specialist, stock up some of my medications for the trip. Then I needed to think of what medications to bring along in case if Rania gets sick there, which I hope not.

Then we had to attend the crash course to make sure we know the basics to do Umrah.
Everyday I worry there is something which I am missing out. Today, I have still yet to put all these in my head into a 'What to bring' list. Alfi is still finalising our travel insurance.

So last weekend, the whole family went for the Umrah briefing and there were chants at the background. As I looked at the screen, I saw the translation in Malay and I teared.

Labbaik Allah humma labbaik
Labbaik la sharika laka labbaik
Innal hamda
Wan-ni'mata
Laka walmulk
Laa sharika lah.

O my Lord, here I am at Your service, here I am.
There is no partner with You,
here I am.
Truly the praise
and the provisions are Yours,
and so is the dominion and sovereignty.

There is no partner with You.

Then I realised what it meant by the calling to go there.



Insya Allah I will be there soon. I am still nervous about it as much as I am looking forward to this trip. With no expectations, I only wish my family and I are in good health to perform our ibadahs and that we raise to the tests there.

It's my opportunity to be close to God. I have always tried to be close to Him but I let myself go and let Him guide me when I lost my father. I let Him control my path and be humble to fate. For someone who is a strong character, it took me to lose my dad to understand that.

One year after dad's passing, the whole family will be there. I will pray for my dearest dad all the time. I will pray for calmness in my soul. I will pray for the health of my family. For those who have kept me in their prayers, I will repay you with my doas for you there.

Losing my dad changed me, totally. He taught me a lot in life, more in his death.
I miss you dad. I just know you are proud of me then and now because that is what you always conveyed to me.

I wish we could have you during this journey. But I will keep you in my doa's I promise. I know you will never be far.

They say, visiting Makkah and Medina is where we meet our Prophet Muhammad SAW and they always say that love God and the Prophet before anything else. I want to find that love and keep it with me.

May my niat & hajat be fulfilled, Insya Allah.

First post of the year

While everyone was rushing their final blog post for 2012, I was taking a backseat reflecting my 2012.
It was a challenging year and I was praying that the year ahead had better things in store for me, Insya Allah.

Truth is, it is already showing the positive signs and I may just be looking forward to 2013.
First, Alfi and I are planning for our no.2 baby. As much as we would love to have another addition and ready to share more love under the same roof, we were afraid of the financial commitment.

Then in December, I had so many queries for tuition that I had to pass some assignments to Alfi. Right pocket, left pocket, same pocket.
It's amazing! So today I am committing 2 days at a tuition centre (Come to Progenius if you want to join me for group sessions) and also 5 sessions at home.
I am still hoping to get another one or two secondary school maths assignment at home!
Alfi thought it is enough but I love tutoring and my focus has always been maths! I teach concepts and understanding basics.

Students who are with me, stay with me till they graduate their O levels.
I have failing students who achieve B's in their finals and I think it is very awesome to see success rates like that. I also will not hesitate to drop students if they don't put in effort because I don't believe in wasting the parents money and my time.

*fierce or not*

Best thing is Alfi adopts the same too! Its awesome because we get commitment from both tutor and tutee.

So tuition's checked for this year and we decided that it is about time to kick in the family planning for number 2. Appreciate your doas please for my family's health and that we can go through the next stage in our lives.

If you still want me or Alfi to slot in classes for 2013, do drop me an email/call me.

On Christmas, Rania finally wanted to walk by herself using the friendly lion walker which was a hand-me-down from my aunty.



Then 5 days later while I was playing with her, she surprised me with her first walk.
I was so happy to be the first to see it. I screamed to Alfi who was in the toilet. I swear I could tell that he could not do his business in peace.

*lol*



Just 15 seconds of sharing. She will give you her megawatt smile for watching, trust me.

I ended my year with my first photoshoot. Though I am learning the ropes, I am confident enough that I can have smiles when they see my pictures.
It was very challenging to have Rania while we had our photoshoot but the family didn't mind and although it was exhausting, capturing the little girls antics were priceless for me!



So darling, no more following mummy and baba to photoshoots unless bibik comes along.

There are no resolutions for the New Year and I think many have finally gave up this adoption because keeping a promise for 365 days is freaking hard. So let's just keep a list of exciting things which you want to do for the next 365 days ok. I think that is more realistic.

I have many things which I want to do. It is about time I pen it down and get it going.

But I have learnt to take one thing at a time, learn each lesson as I go by and enjoy every precious moment I have in this life. The death of my father taught me a lot. I do not want to take anything for granted if possible and yes, health is more precious than wealth and that you can never buy happiness.

I think in that sense, I became a simpler person than I was years ago.
So here is to 2013 which unfolds to us many more possibilities, opportunities and also challenges. Let us keep our prayers intact and keep Him close.
Insya Allah we will make it through the year.

p.s: because I had a rough start to 2012, I am actually a little phobic of 2013, which explains the last paragraph.

xoxo

B&W Weekend

I had a fully utilized weekend and that means it came with tons of pictures.
While I let my DSLR rest, I worked on my Powershot S95 and my phone camera.

I kicked off my Friday seeing my daughter having her fringe chopped and I was laughing my heart out. My mom was apologizing but I thought it was classic!



As mentioned on my micro blogging network, it was a weekend which I wanted to try out taking pics in black and white. I have been a person who always appreciated colours and love how it can make a picture so vibrant!
So taking the pictures in black and white for me was very challenging.

And I have to admit that while I did snap a lot of pictures in black and white, I cannot help but have some coloured pictures too!

My weekends always start from Fridays and then Monday I will have to recover from my weekhangover.

Friday after work, I met mom and my daughter in town for tea, catching up on stories and spending time as much as we can whenever Alfi is busy.






Then it was a chilling session with my cousin who has two adorable children. We always have had amazing relationship together and I am glad that we do.

We decided to chill out at Coffee Bean at One Fullerton that humid night. It did not even stop us to have an evening walk after that but only stop short because it drizzled.




Here were us juggling with the (active) little ones and the camera!
Failed the quality check but here are the pictures anyway!






Surprisingly, we met up again for makan session in JB! Rania was such a handful that I did not take any pictures at all!!!

Saturday morning, we sent Alfi's grandparents for a short getaway to Batam.
We thought Rania should have a picture with her great grandparents for keepsake.



If you did not know, Alfi made Mac'D forbidden food for me and I have not touched fastfood for 3 weeks. So for him to bring us to Mac D for breakfast was awesome! I was all smiles!



And so was our little girl. She is so full of expression!





And after her meal, she started feeling sleepy again.



I swear, that Saturday was a busy day! We went home after brunch, changed and off we went for a wedding!

Rania is beginning to recognize the camera and can be very coorperative with me.



Alfi's brother handed over to us his car seat. You cannot imagine how thankful we are because it was about time that Rania changed her car seat and they don't come cheap these days. So that was money saved from our pockets! *kaching!*



To keep her busy in the car seat, we gave her a toy which occupied her really well!
Good job Mummy & Baba!



At the wedding, I met a child who I wanted to meet for a very long time. Born 4 months earlier than Rania to an set of awesome parents, I am so looking forward for them to be playdates. Date each other in front of their mummies' eyes.

Ilyas is so shy, unlike Rania who made me work around the table that I did not even get to eat!



Unexpectedly, I met my old classmate in Secondary School and I was so excited. It took me a while to recognize her and herself a while to recognize me.
"Are you Azilah?" I asked. "Yes," she answered with her no-nonsense tone.
"Oh my god.. it's me. Mima."
"Mima?"
"Mima from TKSS."

Her face changed. "Oh my god, you look so different!"

I wanted to ask her whether it was for the better but Alfi answered that for me in the car. He said,"You kan kental time sekolah (off-beat in school)"



I am so glad I found her.
(p.s: see at the bottom right of the picture what the lil' girl is doing)

Sunday was a relaxed day for us. It was just late relaxed lunch, tea and doing some banking.



So if you wondered where are my products of my black and white weekend, here you go!



Thank you to the wonderful ladies who have tagged #velvetchronicles for their black and white pictures! I really smile seeing their stories of black and white.

I love this from Aladynna who had her picture taken at Sentosa.



Awesome picture from Fedah Sufyan. Make me look forward to have #2!



A lovely surprise from Khuzaimah who I forgot snapped a pic of Rania when she was 6 months.



Thank you Lynadiva and Namira for cloud pictures. They are always so serene to look at.





Thank you Linda for the picture. It makes me miss holding my daughter close.



And lastly I love children's smile. They always make you smile back.
Thank you Mariam!



A womderful reader shared with me what she used to do during the weekends and here was her note



To me Rina, I would still consider yourself very lucky for the fact that you still have both your parents despite they no longer look upon the same direction anymore. It is very tough but the awesome thing is you are a mother and a wife yourself.

The fact that you have a 4-year-old and a wonderful husband would mean that there can be many more smiles just within the 3 of you. I am sure you miss what used to be what it was before but rest assured that you are given the opportunity to have it even better within your own family.

Maybe someday, you can share with me pictures of how you make your weekends great just with the 3 of you. It was not easy for me either when I lost my dad. I know I can never have a complete family meal. But we make do and we make the best of it.

I am sure you can too. The first step is the hardest but subsequently it gets easier. I pray for you and your family and hope that all will be well, regardless of what happens next.

This is life. We are born for this.
*hugs*

If you have a story to share or ideas of how to spice up the weekend, do share with me at nuramima@hotmail.com
So how did your weekend go?

xoxo