It is always during pregnancy that I will cry in my sleep.
I cry in my sleep because I always end up dreaming that he is cheating on me with another woman and out of frustration, I will cry.
During my first pregnancy, I went through the same phase - many times.

So during this pregnancy, Alfi was caught off-guard with my cries once.
Then after he was reminded of his experience, he will quickly wake me up when I end up crying in my sleep and said,"No, I am not cheating on you."

I am always very appreciative when he understood my struggles and leftover struggles of losing my dad, when he understood my hormones during pregnancy and of course my fickleness in planning things out.
Women are one of the worst in planning. While I am open to be more impromptu, an engineer brain like him prefers schedules to be more structured.

Last night when Alfi was sleeping and Rania cuddling up to him, I had my own me-time (at 2am in the morning after preparing my presentation slides for today). I was considering whether to play Candy Crush or watch E!News. So I was checking my social media and saw Mufti Menk was on Twitter. I followed him and click on the link of his website.

I diverted my attention.

I clicked on his audio on the topic he just delivered recently in Singapore. I could not get tickets and I didn't quite mind. I did not follow him. I did not hear him before despite a lot of our brothers and sisters share his quotes and speeches on Facebook.
So actually, I really wanted to know what is so awesome about this guy.

I admit work and having my hands tied took me quite far from the things I still need to focus - knowledge of religion.

He shared something which caught my ears despite my eyes were half closed on the bed. I picked up my phone and texted Alfi (yes, while he was sleeping)

"Five years ago when you met me, I was a flower full of colour and vibrance. You picked me up and married me. Over time, I may wilt and lose my colour but remember the flower you picked up. It was your eyes who determined I was the one and I pray you will keep that in your heart."

10 hours later after we rushed off for work and settled down in the office, he replied.

"You are one flower that will never wilt in my heart for you grow inside me and I will always put nutrition and life in you as long as I live."


I teared.

So I told him I am hormonal. I know I married the perfect man for me.

Go pick up your phone and text something nice and romantic to your spouse. You may just end up hormonal like me!
These are rare moments for me and Alfi because most times, our texts are more naughty.

xoxo

First vs Second

Talking about 18 weeks, this is me this week in my second pregnancy.



This was me in my first pregnancy.




Many old wives anticipate the gender of the baby by looking at the shape of the tummy.

What is your guess? Take a vote at the poll on the right hand side!
p.s: I got an 80% confirmation of the gender yesterday during the scan and doc was saying that we will confirm it in the detailed scan in 2 weeks time.

When I asked my gynae to check the gender, she was saying,"Why you want hero ah?"
"No la.. I just want to shop. Male or female no problem, I still will want 3 more after this."

My little one is growing so fast!

xoxo

Chronicles of Rania: Her birth story

Finally, my little girl is asleep, giving me a little bit more time to get on the internet.
In fact, I take a few afternoons to finish writing this up!

So before I continue about the birth story, just a disclaimer that there will be a lot of biological terms used in the blog entry.
In case there are many who are uncomfortable with the post.
*lol*

20th Dec 2011:

It was the routine check up with my gynae at KKH. I was hoping that I was already dilated.
1cm dilation will already make me happy because the first stage of labour will be long but it will already mean that I am on my way to the labour ward.

So the checks went ok. Blood pressure was still high at 137/75. That was the lowest reading after 6 readings.
I did not feel nausea nor was I having headaches.
My last admission to the hospital for a night was because of pre-eclampsia.

So that day, my hopes were dashed when the gynae said,"Kosong ah.. you are not dilated yet."
*sigh*
I was somehow disappointed and expressed to my gynae that I would prefer to have a 2011 baby instead of the actual EDD of 13th January together with the dragon babies, something which I made no secret about it.

She set another appointment on the 29th December to see my progress of dilation.
If else, induced labour was the next option.

That night, I went out with mom and had a dinner date with the husband at F.I.S.H.
A nice quiet dinner, just the two of us.
We headed home after that, not sure when will be the next time we get to date again. I did my Mortada orders while the husband was preparing for work the next day.

A little past midnight, the husband urged me to quit doing my orders and prepare to sleep.
I reluctantly agreed.
The husband was in the loo when I was picking up pillows on the floor when I felt a slight gush of water.
I thought it was my weak bladder giving way so I went to the toilet to 'pee'
I got frustrated that I kept peeing so I decided to shower, washed my hair because I had a gut feeling I may need to head to the hospital.
(Thank God I did because I was really admitted)

21st Dec 2011:

Past midnight, after shower and almost 10 times trying to wipe myself dry, I got frustrated.
The husband also got frustrated with my OCD! *lol* He insisted that I just wore my undies with a pad and see what happens.
Well, I was still 'peeing' alright!

2am, I lay in bed with the husband, waiting for 30 mins, of which we dozed off for a while.
When I woke up, I checked my pad.
Wet with clear colour wetness. My husband told me to smell the pad. He said, if it was the waterbag, it will smell like bleach.

Already comfortable on the bed, reluctantly I smelled my pad.
Then I passed it to the husband to double confirm this.
Yes it was the bleach smell.

I did not want to activate my mom. You know how false alarms are like what-the-hell-i-wasted-everyone's-time.
So I called my aunty who is a midwife in Oman.
Yes, I made a long distance call. She confirmed it was the water bag and advised we headed to the hospital.

The husband asked where was my emergency clothes.
"I wore to the clinic this afternoon."
*lol*
So I asked him where was his. He answered the same thing!
*lol*lol*

That of which I happen to take a photo before we headed out for the gynae check.
I was afraid that on the day I need to head down to the hospital, I will not have time to take a picture.

Well, true enough!

So I grabbed a t-shirt and a maternity pants without bothering to iron.
Went to the kitchen to fix drinks for me and the husband and some butter sugar bread, breathing in and out, trying to take it easy.
Then off we went.

On the way to the hospital, I called my siblings, mom and dad to inform them.
Their anticipation was high already.
But somehow I had the feeling I was in for a long ride and I was right.

3.30am , we checked in into the delivery suite.
I got changed into the white gown, managed to head to the toilet for one last time before they made me pee and thank god I did not shit in the bedpan.
That was the worst ever!

Husband went to sleep. I was in major anxiety that I could not sleep.
I was reading the quran and watching the TV. Facebooking and tweeting that many thought I was wierd.
In labour and doing my social networking.

I was yet to be in labour, yet every moment there was tiring.
The midwives did not allow me to move. I could not get off my bed. Peeing was even on the bed.
At one point of time, I wet my whole bed and I requested that I had a change of sheets and gown.
I wanted to feel dry again.

The midwife I had for that shift was very nice.
She agreed and even allowed me to head to the toilet for a proper pee.

Wooo hooo!!! I did.
When I came out, I felt another gush. Took the hand towels and wiped and guess what?
Bloody show!

Ok yes! we are progressing!

I excused myself very quickly and very quickly I locked myself in the toilet.
Had my big business while I can and then I was confined again.

In between, the husband had some urgent things to settle in the office and I was very upset that his company had little sense of compassion. His phone was ringing non -stop.
So mom stepped in to accompany me with the 'Husband's pass'

Even at 8pm that night, I was not contracting yet and that was after my gynae inserted 2 capsules of prostins at 5am and again at 3pm
It's a long haul that's right. I was only 1cm dilated.

The gynae said that if I am not in labour, by midnight, they will have to get me induced.
From then on, it will be no food and drinks.
*groan*

So no pain till midnight and they got the necessary IVs ready. I got my husband ready, only that he is not nocturnal so ended up sleeping on me. I got myself ready.
Had a few kormas to give me the energy and asked the widwife for a cup of ice for me to chew and hydrate myself.

Yes, I have been spending a lot of time reading and searching on the internet on labour.
Even watched on You Tube to be prepared what was expected.

22nd Dec:

1am, the labour kicked in.. it was bearable until 4am.
At that time, one of the team doctors came in and put her hand in and said she could only stretch my dilation to 2.5 to 3cm.

What?!?!?
After all that pain?

Every 2 minutes I was contracting for 1 minute. It was crazy.
Crazier to wake my husband up because he did not hear me at all!!!
Testing moments I tell you.

4.30am, one of the team doctors came to check my dilation.
"It's only 2cm. Maximum is 2.5cm. I can only help to stretch for you up to 3cm."
And then I felt her stretch my cervix.
So uncomfortable I tell you!

Then my gynae came in at 7am.
3.5cm dilated.
3.5cm?!?!?
"You are very tense and you will take a long time to dilate. I already put in 2 hormone pills for you but you are not dilating."
"What should I do," I asked.
"Take the epidural and then you can rest. Only then your cervix may be able to dilate. Even so, I think by lunch time earliest you will give birth. Else by dinner time but I cannot guarantee."

What?!?!?!?
(yeah.. another 'WHAT' moment)

I was reluctant about the epidural so I asked her,"What do you suggest?"
"I already said."
Wah! So determined one ah!
"Take the epidural," she insisted. "Anything longer, you may not be able to take. You better decide - fast!"

I looked at the husband.
He asked the gynae about the side effects which apparently was brushed off.
He looked at me and said,"I cannot see you in this kind of pain and I think you cannot bear with it any longer."

The husband gave the nurses the green light.
Within 5 minutes, the anesthetics came. A friendly indian guy who was very accomodating to our queries and gave us the assurance that everything is going to be ok.
He even did a new plug for me as the earlier one was already painful and was very attentive that my wrist was already swollen.
Not only that, he was full with humour of which I did not bother to laugh but was nonetheless appreciative of it.
He multitasked very well. Within minutes, he had me signed papers, changed my plug and had the procedure ready.

My machine, inducing the oxytocin was switched off. I was still contracting every other minute.

The epidural jab begun. In between, I had two contractions and I told everyone in the room
"I am contracting!!!!" squeezing the hell of my husband's hands of course.
The anesthetics just said,"Ok ok.. just relax"

Each contraction lasted a minute. It was crazy.
But you know what, it felt good to be squeezing the husband's hands (with his wedding band on).
*lol*
Somehow, it feels better that I am sharing the pain.

By the time the epidural was done, I was in heaven!
"Thank you Doctor Miracle"

The husband confiscated my phone, which he did for the upteenth time at the delivery suite and forced me to sleep.
Bummer!
So I did not have a choice.
All these time, I just find it hard to sleep in the hospital.
It's just me.

By that time, I was already in the delivery suite for 30 hours.
Madness!!
Quietly, I was glad the phone and iPad was confiscated. I managed to get solid 4 hours of sleep with 1 blood pressure check in between at 9am.
Blood pressure stablised.

During the epidural period, I was really much at ease. After 11am, another team doctor came and checked on my dilation.
I was praying to God hoping for at least 5cm dilation. I wanted to give birth by dinner time. Max.
I could not stay in there any longer.

I could see (not feel) her pushing her hand, looked around trying to gauge how much I have dilated.
"Please please," I thought in my head.
"Ok," she said "You are 9cm dilated."
I really could not believe my ears. "9cm?,"I asked. "Are you serious?"
"Yes. We will prepare you for delivery."

Anxiety was kicking in and I was telling myself to breathe.
I refused to be hit with asthma at this time.
So the midwife was rushing in and out of the room preparing everything. How could I not get kancheong?
Seriously!!!!

Then I heard a fart. A loud fart.
I laughed. Anixiety broken.
"B," I asked my husband. "Did you hear that?"
"Yes.. is that the machine?"
"NO! It is your wife farting!! Apparently I am on epidural and I can't feel."
That was when I laughed my arse off.

I imagine the bloody and wet mess I would have made without me knowing.
But my midwife that session was nice. She had me cleaned up and dried up before delivery.

My epidural was reduced.
"Do you feel slight pain?"
"Yes," I lied.
Hell no am I going to feel anymore pain. 7 hours was enough.

So the midwife said,"Ok we practise pushing first ah... Breathe in deep and then push."
Thanks to You Tube, I know I had to push for a long time till I need to catch another breath.
So I did.
Within 3 pushes the baby was already crowning. I was told to stop.

My husband went to see and the first thing he said to me was,"Our baby has hair!!!"
"Have?" I sounded so excited.
If you must know, I was born with no hair and the husband with little hair.
*lol*

1.25pm the gynae came in, took her apron and checked a few things.
My midwife gave me an advise.
"Even if the gynae ask you to keep pushing but you cannot breathe, just break the push ok. No need to listed to her."
I thanked her. It was very valuable.

Everyone went into position.
Husband holding my back. My gynae opening up my right leg and allowing me to put my leg on her waist.
The left leg was held open by anther Senior Nurse.

"Ok ready?" the gynae said. "We wait for the contraction to come. Breathe in now... ok push!"
There I was with my first push. I held my push as long as I can.
Everyone was chanting,"Some more some more.."
I was just focused to hold my breath and push it out.

After the second push I said,"I can't. I think my asthma is coming."
"Push! Once baby is out your asthma is gone."
Wah lau! I thought.
So I pushed for the third time and break my push.

You know how I read about people pushing for 1 to 2 hours and it scared the shit outta me.
So I made sure my mind had it.
The fourth push, I felt the whole thing came out and I let out a huge 'whoah!'

My eyes brimming with tears. My husband looked at me, kissed my forehead and lips.
With tears in his eyes, he said,"That's our baby."
I smiled.
It feels good when my husband does all those things, making me feel appreciated.

Our little Rania was born after 36 weeks and 6 days, on 22nd Dec 2011 at 1.46pm, weighing 2.53kg and 46cm
She became Mummy's and Baba's little pride and joy.

Here are pictures to remember the day.
Special thanks to Rania's Mama i.e. my little sis who excitedly takes pictures of everything for memories.
I love you little sis and you will be the best aunty Mama who Rania will have.

























Here are the KKH Facebook Diary as I kept everyone updated :)

















I was warded at 4.30pm. Mom was already there.
Moments later, guests streamed in till midnight. The epidural wore off.
I was in so much pain and everyone was in so much excitement.
I could not sleep. I kept asking for painkillers for the perineal pain.

Ice packs did not help much. I could not move.
I felt super lousy.
My perineal pain just went away today after 19 days!
Yes, that is what happens when you take the epidural. But it's still bearable than labour pain, trust me.

Today, Rania is 20 days old and she still amazes me in many ways.
When many warn me about sleepless nights, I thought I can battle it because I am nocturnal.
I could not!!!
Sleepless nights are really a challenge I tell you!!!

More stories of Rania as I go along definitely.
Except for the first few days (because she stayed back for her jaundice), I have diligently taken daily pictures of her.
I want to digest her growing up days.

xoxo,

Will be right back

I am carried away by the little girl who I have safely delivered on 22nd December.
I am still exhausted.

In fact, I am still healing and it is taking a long time because I refuse to sit still.

A first-time parent and everything is overwhelming.
Insya Allah I will be back soon to blog about the birth story and many experiences and lessons I will love to share.

For now, my focus is to get an afternoon nap.
Apparently, I can never and have not beaten my daughter to it.
The moment I am ready to nap, she will stifle a cry.

Goodness...

And it happens day and night.
Thank God for maternity leave.

xoxo

Did you know? Confessions of an uptown girl

I cannot remember when was the last time I entered a wet market.
I am serious.
Was it at the age of 14 or 16?
Ok somewhere there.... and here I am turning 30 in 6 months time.

So last weekend morning, the husband brought me out for breakfast at the Ang Mo Kio hawker center and then he led me to the wet market to stock up our refrigerators!
He always wondered how come I never put my feet in the wet market.

Basically, my family eats out every day, every time.
Our tapao food to work is very simple. We buy pre-cooked shrimps and fillet fish for our porridge from the supermarket.
Frozen chicken from the supermarket.
So the husband taught me around the wet market and I felt super amused with myself.

Thank you husband nonetheless for the experience.
I am growing up aren't I?
(Though its a little late. But better late than never)

Just a quick update, I am contracting very often now.
Maybe 1 big contraction every hour and smaller contractions along the way.
I am scheduled for my check up tomorrow but I am hoping that Rania can wait a little while till this weekend.
Her Yayee will be back from Bangkok and her Baba will be on long leave due to Christmas and New Year.

Plus, I have yet to get my guest room ready for Mummy and my Lil' Sis to come and stay over.
Hang in there sister!
Give your mummy a breather ok.

xoxo,

The Move

I teared upteenth time writing this post.
I have been shifting my things over to my very own house since months back.
Yet, the husband and I did not move in - until recently that is.

I officially moved out and grew up on 4th December.
It was a planned move. I wanted to do it after my Mom & Lil Sis came back from Europe.
I did it after my Lil' Sister's birthday a few days before that.

It was a date contemplated and postponed many times.
We received our keys on 31st Aug. The date we were looking forward to and so excited about.

Till today, there is no full occupancy to the 4 blocks of flats from Park Central.
Residents are still renovating which I find it super absurd.
The reason why the husband and I bought a DBSS (design-build-and-sell-scheme) was because we did not want to take any renovation loan to do up the house.

For DBSS units, a lot of things are done for you.
Toilets are done with fittings and sinks.
Kitchen done, also with fittings and sinks.
Flooring done and depending on the developer for various DBSS. Our living room flooring is a homogenous 60 by 60 tiles and room floor are laminated.
All of our 3 rooms are fixed with wardrobes and inverter air cons.
Heater is fixed. Gas fixed.

Basically it is really a move in condition.
The only thing I hate about my house is that there is a balcony outside my living room and my master bedroom which I think is really a waste of space.

I am not saying that there is not much to spend.
There still is.
We spent almost $10k on our washing machine, dryer, refrigerator, carpets, sofa, dining tables, bed, sheets and the miscellaneous that drains your pockets without you realising it.

The husband and I have yet to fix curtains and blinds. We have yet to fix grills in our home.
A lot of our guests fear to stand outside our balcony and see the beautiful view on the 26th floor.

Night view from my living room balcony

Our lights at home only uses bulbs for now because I have an irritating neighbour downstairs who wants a quiet flat and I cannot do any drilling even before 10pm.
They have sent a police to my house once and they came up once. Both times were at about 10pm and I was having guests over.

One more time, I will sue them for disturbing MY privacy.
Because it is not past 11pm and plus it is echo-y because there are still a lot of homes vacant.
If they send the police to my place again, I make sure the police come and sit through my gathering and decide if we are really noisy.

So anyway, I do have neighbours (front, back, left, right) who renovate their houses.
They hack their flooring. They tear down the wardrobes which is already there. They redo their kitchen cabinets.
If that was the spending power I had, I would have bought an old flat, larger space and renovate it MY way.
Sometimes, I really wonder what they are thinking.

Truthfully, I have a very simple home. Nothing fantastic nor over the top - except my bed which I find it very challenging to get out from.
Oh, and that alhamdulillah there is always enough food to entertain guests any time.
Other than that, it is cosy enough and that is sufficient for me and the husband.

So anyway, it was a teary departure for me and for my mom and sis.
Here was what my sister tweeted the day before.

The night I left my mom's place, I took 2 hours to say goodbye.
I teared cried like a little girl and in between my mom said,"Intan (my name @ home), you are pregnant and have a child in you. You will be a mother soon."

I ended up only crying harder.

It was hard to leave the house I have been staying in there for 21 years.
Of course it was emotional!
My mom and sis did get emotional too.. I really hate being away from them.
Of course I enjoy my privacy and the things I get to do with the husband but I am always comforted with the fact that I am near them if they need anything or any help.

Many said we are only few minutes away if we drive.
Some said there is always the telephone.
But it is and never the same.

I spent some time with mom alone, hugging each other on the bed and it is kinda funny cos Rania shares the hug from mom.
But who cares. Reality was setting in. I was moving out.
I grew up for almost 30 years kissing my mom good night before I sleep.
I spent years talking to her in her room before I go to sleep.

I spent my entire life sleeping with my sister (minus a year)
I spent half of my life teasing her when I wake up and she is still asleep, irritating her because I cannot get back to sleep and she can still sleep like a log.
I spent my life with my sister in the room, sharing stories about both men and women (hot, naughty and nice). She will introduce me to new house music.
We will talk about our shopping. About clothes we bought and can share and eventually clothes which are pregnant-friendly.

So it was really a major shift for me.
Mega shift.
The husband waited for me downstairs till he fell asleep.

Soon after I left home, my Lil Sis' tweeted

I was tearing all night, non-stop!

Subsequently my sms-es to mom that night.

I took leave the next day to spend time with mom.
I guess all of us were in shock and reality could not sink in that we are living separately.
Even the Lil' Sis who finishes work super late made time for us.

Today, my house is slowly filling up.
I have started to get my hands busy in the kitchen, of which my husband has been enjoying every meal and it is amazing because I have never cooked before this.
I am getting used to my house and getting a hang of the independence.

But little did anyone know, I still call my mother ALL the time.
I try to have lunches with my Lil' Sister.
I call my mom before I sleep to wish her good night.
The three of us still sms each other in the middle of the night to say how much we are thinking of each other and how much we are missing each other.

Almost 2 weeks and it is still tough.

For example, today I woke up at 7am only to see the sms from my mummy at 4.30am saying she is missing me at that hour.
How can I not miss home?

p.s: I am not sure if I am the only one feeling so emotional. Or is it that all daughters feel like I do. Maybe it is the hormones.

xoxo,

Counting down....

It is back to work for me after a night in the hospital and 4 days of Medical Leave.
I picked up Lil' Sis from home and she entertained me with this video.

Please tell me that this is super adorable!!!



I am gathering all the pictures and stories that I have been lagging for the longest time ever!
I am feeling a little perked up today (though I am not sure for how long or how many hours..) but will get things going.

Her Closet has new things interesting too.. It just had to be at the time when my Lil' Girl is coming out.
But I will not shy away because I really believe that this is God's works.

I remember being very afraid of labour and I am very thankful that there are many ladies out there who share real and solid truth of labour and birth.
I prefer the ugly pictures so if anything comes prettier, I take that as a bonus.
Keeping the expectations low I would say...

Today, I am tired.
Tired of feeling scared of child birth that I stopped thinking about it (maybe until the contractions start to appear again)
I am tired of cleaning up my house.
I am really exhausted. I facebook-ed to see if this was normal.

I have been getting dizzy spells. Nausea.
It feels like I am going through the first trimester with a third trimester body.
Onset of labour.

So finally the emergency bag is already ready and sitting in our tiny car's boot.
All it needed was a wake up call during my admission to the hospital recently that the emergency bag needs to be ready.
Pronto.

Funny thing was I had my things ready.
I had Rania's things ready.
But I forgot all about the husband's things.

*lol*

My Little Girl is actually due on 13th January 2012.
But it seems like the baby has dropped and fully engaged into my pelvic bone now. Contractions are already occurring though most times I do not feel it.
The doc and nurses are quite puzzled and a part of me hope that my threshold for pain is superb!

So it seems that this cutie may come out earlier than the machines expected.
She will turn 37 weeks on 23rd December so it may possibly be a X'mas or New Year baby even.

I remember (what it feels like not too long ago) during my honeymoon in Krabi, I was quite resistant to get pregnant.
I wanted to have some time with the husband after the wedding.
We did not have a great dating time during our courting and engagement days you know.

Honeymoon was awesome cos we did not do too many things, especially it was the monsoon season.
A week there passed so slow that you really enjoy every bit of it.
Doing nothing but just to stare at the husband's face.

Awesomely, I captured this moment



I remember reading out loud to the husband:

“Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.”

Yes, this quote is from Elizabeth Gilbert in 'Eat, Pray, Love'

The husband turn to me and said,"Nonsense! Go throw away the book."
He is more of a kid-lover than I am and I am always declaring that, because it is true.

As the date nears, I remember this again and again and telling myself,"Damn, the tattoo is really going to be stuck on my face."
37th week i.e full term is only 10 days away and I still do not know how to feel bringing a Little Girl into this harsh world.

Next check up is in a week's time.
I have been doing a lot of squatting and my pelvic bone has really widened!
Whatever as long the birth is easier for me.

You know like how I have heard those aunties saying always say,
"Alah, I beranak senang jer.. macam batuk ajer keluar. Cepat!"
("Giving birth is easy... you cough and the baby comes out.")

Makcik betul tak sayang pipi.

I have also heard stories of first time mothers saying their labour is less than hour.
Of course I didn't roll my eyes in front of her. Neither did I say what I wanted to.

On top of that, I have tons of people saying how big I am.
That whenever, they see me, its like they are so amazed seeing an elephant walking into a room.
Sometimes I don't know how to explain that I may have a huge placenta and that I was born with backside and hips meant to give birth to a football team.
Then it is not worth explaining. I never like to explain.

They thought my Lil' Girl was big.
Adoi! Choi! Touch wood they call it. phui phui phui...

At 29 weeks she was 1.1kg
At 32 weeks she was 1.9kg
Her last check up at 35 weeks was 2.4kg.

Mummy is hoping you just tip a little past 3kg ok.
Max!
Don't come out so big please because you are a girl!

Husband always warned me that I am pregnant so must be careful not to say anything hurtful anyone.
So I do is smile smile smile and laugh laugh laugh, visualising myself urut dada in my head.

Sheeesh!
I find that so nonsensical.
Pregnant women are blardy hormonal you know and we have to put up with such?!?!?
I cannot understand why people cannot say anything nice and soothing.
It really doesn't hurt you know. It really doesn't.
Then I found out that some people just find it hard to.

xoxo,

You have been missed!

I missed blogging.
I missed Facebooking.
I missed my story telling times on the internet

I missed working on my laptop.
I missed typing away because it always makes me feel productive.

I missed being on my two feet and being active.
I missed getting things done.

I will update soon. I do not think I can ever be away for too long.
I miss Social Media. Facebook and Twitter was highly abandoned by me.

Will definitely be back - and hopefully soon!

p.s: My Lil' Rania is not out yet. She has been a good girl, only too comfy that she didn't move much.
She somehow knows that her mummy is not comfortable in the hospital that she coorperated with the machines and tests!
I get to see my 35th week today. Alhamdulillah.

xoxo,

It's December alright!

Yes, I remember writing a blog post on Hello November and now we have reached December.
That is how fast I feel my time has passed.

It means mom & Lil' Sis have gone and returned from their 2 week holiday in Europe.
It means that this weekend I will permanently move over to my new house, though it is not fully furnished or we have yet to unpack. In fact, we are still packing from my mom's house.
I have 21 years of things to pack.

It also means that Rania has reached her 34th week mark and my tummy keep bumming into everyone everywhere I turn.
It too means that she has 3 more weeks to go before she is full term.
I have been alert with my body and starting to see signs of pre-labour and it is really fun to engage these kind of conversations with the husband.

He told my parents that he saw pregnancy in a different light now.
The miracles of God and the joy, pain and agony that he see me go through.

I have been very forgetful lately.
I do not know where I put anything and everything.
The husband is very patient with me and I really cannot be more thankful.

I will forget my phone when I drop off somewhere that he will have to park the car and look for me instinctively.
I will forget that he needs something from downstairs and when he asks for it, it is not in my hand.
I will forget that I left some things behind and he will drive at 1AM to look for it for me while I ransacked the whole room and clean up at the same hour, something which they said was the "nesting instinct"
I even forget my meetings!!!

I swear I feel very shitty with myself.
Not helping that my maid is boiling my blood all the time. It is really pointless having her around if she cannot help and pretend blur and at the end of the day, I do a better job on my own.

Shitty, angry, frustrated and I will just burst out because I have been a very prompt person.
Snappy, agile, multi-tasker and quick witted.
In short, I was in control.
In perfect control!

Today, if I read Business Times, I probably take 1.5 times longer to complete and article.
I feel like banging my head on the wall, forcing it to think.
Not wanting to blame myself, I got frustrated with pregnancy though I kept telling God that Rania is a gift I will uphold my responsibility.

There are nights where I am so tired but hate to sleep because I am so immobile.
Sleeping on sides hurt my back. There is no more the 3-point turn which I whined about making.
It is now a 5-point turn and each turn hurts.
Each turn, the husband will need to support my back. Each time i get up, the husband will need to reach out his hands to me to pull me up.

I have friends who told me,"Mima you make me scared of pregnancy after all you wrote on the blog. I start to disbelief whatever the rest of the women wrote about how beautiful pregnancy is."
I laughed.

It feels good that I can get messages across but I knew I had to be fair.
"Some have had easier pregnancies than me. I was excited about pregnancy until reality hit me so maybe those ladies who may be in my position were just brainwashing themselves so they can go through it. But you know what? You HAVE TO try it!"
I am that cocky!

My feet has been swelling like crazy. More on the left side.
So we were out to find more comfy shoes for me.

Look at the number of pairs I have to try before I come to the perfect size.



Thanks to the husband who sponsored 2 pairs of Crocs. My first 2 pairs ever.



Still, the only shoes which can make me walk for miles will be Fit Flops! I swear!
And you can never have enough Fit Flops!

Still, the crocs will come in handy when I have given birth and I need to take care of Rania.
I MISS MY GOD DAMN HEELS!!!
(of course I miss my body)
Trust me the only one who is complaining is me and never the husband.

May Allah bless him and the marriage that we have today.
I really really really cannot be anymore thankful.

Up next will be Love Letter #3 and our staycation (a very new word to me) at Marina Bay Sands for our 1st year wedding anniversary.



p/s: Hope you truly enjoyed my whining! <3 xoxo

#2 - Love Letters from You to Me with Nurshahida Ar

From: Nurshahida Ar

"Hi mima.. Remember me? U ate my piece of cake masa u buat hijab class.. Anyway jus to share.. Masa I pregnant my first one pun I have e same feelings. I'm small but baby 3.5kg. Rabak I tau!! Haha. U must tell ur Hubby to put on the gas mask bila the pain is about to come. U inhale until the pain goes away u take out the mask.Don keep on inhaling e gas tau, Blh mabuk n muntah. That will make u even more sick.Don worry u'll be fine, Insyaallah. Banyak kan baca u will be stronger than u can ever imagine.."

Yes, I do remember this sweet lady from one of the hijab classes I conducted at Al-Falah mosque last year!

Here we go:

Hi Shahida!

Yes, i do remember you.. hwo can i forget such a petite soft spoken lady!!! Yes you are very small.

Some ladies told me that the gas is very drying to the throat and that we cannot eat and drink during labour oso. I am fixing this brain to go without epidural and gas. Some advised me to baca surah Alam Nasrah during labour. My aunty who is a midwife in Oman told me to keep eating korma cos the arabs there did that and they don't need stitches!!! Imagine that!

But then again, I really do not know my threshold and the husband thinks I am too pampered to even have a threshold. I am just going to put my mind to it. My only concern is my asthma. I hope it doesnt get triggered when my Lil' Rania is coming out.

Then again, I know many women who would love to go through labour over and over again.

Thank you for the kind advise. I will share this with the husband!

*hugs*

xoxo

Dream a lil' dream of me

For those who have been through pregnancy, they may have encountered what I have been for the past few months.
Dreams.
Really wierd dreams.

I remember my dreams very vividly. I think that is how active my brain is.
And I have succumbed myself to read a lot about dreams for the past many years.
I try to understand the science and even experimented in controlling my own dreams.

Old wives' tales says that when you fly high, it is a good dream.
And when you crash and fall or just fall, it is a sign that something unfavourable will happen.
There has been a lot of study of dream interpretation and it is very interesting to understand how they interpreted it so far.

Psychologically, you can control the dream.
For example, my angsty self will come through dreams whenever I dream of some anal robbers.
I can fire guns. I can sprint and really whack that idiot.

In times when I dream of ghosts, I can feel myself focusing to the One seeking for His help to protect me.
And I really mean concentrating.
Reading through Ayat Kursi till the ghost come really face to face with me, I will scream my zikirs (though it comes out muffled) till I am jolted from my sleep.

When I see myself looking down from a tall building, the brain will just say no and then the eyes will look up.

During pregnancy, especially in the third trimester, I dream a lot about my marriage.
Some which made me cry in the middle of the night and the husband waking me up and cuddling up to give me the sense of assurance.
It was not about dreams where my husband cheated on me but dreams of women throwing themselves on my husband.
Every wife will say,"my husband is not that sort."

Even I will say that!
But my past years of growing up in my early 20-s, I mingled with a little too many men from school and previous work places, from the young to the old to know how they are like.
I have seen not all kinds but many sorts of chameleons.

That aside, I am a true advocate of a happy marriage and I am really happy for those women and more for men who posted up pictures of their happy times together in blogs or facebook and even twitter.

Maybe my mom did a good job by reading Cinderella, Snow White and even Rapunzel to me when I was younger.
The downside was that it creates insecurity for me, which was why I took my time to settle down.
While I love my financial independance, spending was my vice and I was not ready to share that independence with anyone else.

But I gave it all up for marriage and my wedding was my last luxurious spluge.
Today, I really enjoy my own marriage. Something I work damn hard for.
From saving the cash to going through the obstacles of the engagement and even to the nitty gritty of the wedding event.

I saw the beauty of marriage with my own eyes and felt it in my soul.
No marriage is easy but I am very thankful that I am riding through the waves with my husband.
He plays his role as a husband and I as a wife. Of course we give in sometimes and take from each other.
But at the end of the day, it is each other's hands we would like to hold, each other faces we will like to see, smelling each other, each other's voices we want to hear and definitely each other who we want to talk to at any time.

Our 5 senses.

In any marriage, despite of the rough times you have with your spouse, I believe in keeping it within the 4 walls and I really respect couples who do.
I do not believe in tainting the image of your spouse, just to get sympathy votes and only maybe because we may not get our way.
To me, its a betrayal of your spouse's dignity, especially when you end up sleeping in the same bed with him/her.
Ok, that is my principle which you can always beg to differ.

Today, my maid came into my room saying my husband was trying to call me.
I woke up and saw 10 missed calls. Yes, 10 missed calls!
I apologised profusely and told him I was having another of those nightmares.
He is very calm about it because I have prepped him that I will be having these kind of dreams during pregnancy.
It was definitely the hormones.

Though he did not need to, he sent me a BBM.
"I love you. Remember that."



That was all I need. My day took a different turn.
I love you too.

xoxo,