It is almost a year that I blog and now that I am resuming, I want to share about my birth story with Radiah.
One of the reasons for the major delay was that I was not sure if I wanted to share this delivery story. I contemplated for the longest time in my life. At the same time, Radiah was also a challenging baby that you can literally get nothing done for many months ahead of her birth.

But I do have readers (amazingly!) who wonder and ask if I were to ever blog again. Haha! I know definitely that I will still want to blog for many years to come.

So, as usual, I want to share because every birth story is unique and every delivery is etched in a mother's mind. So even after almost a year, I can share with you my journey as if I had delivered yesterday.

So close to 34 weeks, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes (GD). I felt my world crumbling on me. If you know me well enough, I am such a food lover. I eat over many occassions - through stressful times, happy moments, disappointed moments. So to be striped off the joy of food was living torture for me. I was hospitalised for 3 nights and being put on a diabetic diet. It suck big time. I probably lost weight and grumble that I do not have enough to eat. I mean, whoever loves dry plain biscuits and sugarless milo for tea or the fish that they served me for lunch was smaller than my palm.

When I was back home, I needed to prick myself 10 times a day to watch my sugar diet and it continued for the next 3 weeks. At that moment, I felt for the diabetics out there. I was lucky not to be on insulin but to prick my fingers 10 times a day makes it so painful because after a while, you do not know which point to poke anymore and everywhere is swollen. I was in the brink of tears.

My mom advised me to blend long beans and drink the juice twice a day. Damn! That was really diuretic. I did nothing but head to the loo every hour or so. It didn't help too that I was late into pregnancy and the baby was really pressing on the bladder.

Then my cousin advised me to drink apple cider vinegar (ACV) before meals. Gosh! Whoever loves the taste and the smell of it? But like I said, I was desperate. I poured a tablespoon of ACV to half a glass of water and drank. Within moments, I was a little dizzy. I knew I was low on sugar because I hadnt eaten anything. Took a sugar test. 4.4.
I was damn excited. So I grabbed anything to eat to ease my dizziness.

So I suffered a week and spent the other 2 and a half weeks eating whatever I wished for. Whatever the throat wants, the throat gets. But the trick is to drink half a glass of ACV before every meal. So I carry a syringe of 10ml of ACV (I used my kiddo's medicinal syringe) everywhere I went. Kept my sugar in check and my gynae was pretty happy about it.


I swear this was my best friend.

Still I was keen to be induced at 37 weeks, since baby was getting bigger and I wanted to get off the diagnosis of GD. So at 37 weeks and 3 days, we planned for an induced labour. Placenta was still low and baby was expected to be 3.2kg.

Alfi and I were excited to have her out though we always wondered how we are going to manage with 3 children. But we comforted ourselves that it was the same question we have everytime we had another baby and we have always survived - Alhamdulillah!

Somehow I do not look very pretty or good during girl pregnancies. But it is really a small price to pay to have your little one.

This was me on 23 January, 8.30am going to the labour ward. Super huge and I insist that I brought 2 extra home pillows.


Looking back, I was huge, weighing almost 90kg. Which wasnt my heaviest pregnancy. Ranis still holds the record for me being at 93kg at full term.

When we were assigned to our labour room, I was super relived that I had the same orientation of the room as I delivered Rania and Riduan. Somehow it gave me a better sense of settling down.


Labour wards were full. Nurses and midwives were busy. So not to trouble everyone, I asked for an epidural to be given to me. I learnt my lesson during Riduan's delivery that it was damn painful to burst the water bag without the epidural.
So the anaesthetist came. A chinese guy and did a splendid job compared to Riduan's delivery.

I rested and oxytocin was wired in. Contractions came and I was handling it pretty ok. Nothing dramatic. Alfi even managed to catch some sleep and so did I.


8 hours into the contractions, I was 5cm dilated and I knew my epidural was running out fast so I called for the nurses top up ASAP before it was too late. I could go from 5cm to 10cm in 20 MINS!!!

Within 40 mins, I was fully dilated and was ready to go. The midwives switched off the epidural (which I don't understand why!) and made me push to crown. I told myself,"this is easy peasy."I was expecting to see my baby in 20 mins. But I was wrong.

The whole ordeal took me 90 mins with contractions coming in every other minute. The nurse made me push and push and I kept asking her if I was crowning yet. She kept nodding and I was getting pretty irritated. Of all times, the delivery period is never a time to test anyone's patience!

With my legs open, exhausted and sweating, no one was telling me what was going on. I was holding up to so much pain. I wanted to scream,"GIVE ME A C-SECT NOW!" I wasn't crowning yet but I already felt the head in between my legs. The nurse insisted I kept pushing. I thought she was crazy. I only had 2 dates prior to delivery and water since I had to keep my sugar on a low.

Everytime I pushed, I felt the baby kicking me up on my diaphragm. It was a feeling I never felt before in my previous experiences. I started to sweat and told the nurse to keep the temperature down. She said,"It's very cold already. You not cold ah?"

"No. I am sweating and I am giving birth so I need the air con." I made Alfi turn the temperature down. Still I felt warm. So I told Alfi to fan me. I had no idea what he used. It wasn't a moment to remember such memories. I told him to fan harder and faster. I got thirsty and kept asking Alfi for a few sips of ice water.

With every push I made, I still felt my baby kicking me up. She was kicking my stomach up and I felt like vomiting all the water I have drank. I was still sweating and the back started to hurt that I told Alfi to fan me and press on my back and I kept telling him "Harder b. Harder!" He was very exasperated.

I kept on with my istirghfar throughout the whole ordeal. Seek God for forgiveness. At the same time I prayed for whoever had seek for my prayers.

Then a Malay nurse came in. She was very determined to help me get the baby to crown. I found a new sense of motivation. It was too late to do a c-sect and I cannot bear the pain any longer. So I decided to put my mind to it. No more water. No more pressing on the back.

This time around, I wanted to make sure I did it - quick. I asked her if my baby was coming out. She said that my pushes are strong and good but the baby doesn't seem to want to come out. I kept telling my baby not to kick me. So the next contraction came and again and again and I pushed and I pushed and Alfi pressed under my breast bone to make sure the baby wouldn't kick me.

That too, I had to tell him to press on my stomach harder. And I saw him press so hard that he shivered and I felt no pain. Still no baby. The Malay nurse read the istighfar with me each time I was waiting for the next contraction. When the wave came, she raised her voice, giving new motivation each time,"Ok Mima push now. Don't give up. We can already see the head. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10 and rest."

Baby wasn't coming out still. I cried. Look at the husband who was already pale. He knew I was very good at pushing out a baby. He had no answer for me for the first time. I told him I was in so much pain but all he could do was to rub my hands and say,"Selawat banyak banyak"

"Where is the gynae?" I kept asking. "We called for her. She should be on her way."
When the gyanae came in 15 mins later, I managed to ask out loud,"Where were you?" Apparently she was stuck in class.
So she took her apron and gloves and told me to push.

"Ok Nuramima, you ok?," she asked.
"No. Baby is not coming out."
"Ok we wait for the next contraction."

Before I could say anything, the next wave came and I pushed and by then she probably figured out why. I felt some hand intervention (God knows what happen) but finally my little baby was out. She cried and I breathed out in relieved. But I was wondering why they never put the baby on me immediately.

So the senior sister said,"Your baby is a little swollen, probably because she was stuck inside for quite sometime and she came out facing upwards towards you." Now that explains the kicking and painful labour.
I was like,'OK.. so are you going to show me my baby?'

When they finally put her on me, I cried. Not out of happiness this time but out of sympathy that she went through what she did.

They quickly took her away, cleaned her up and let Alfi give her the azan. After which when my gynae was sewing me up, there were a team of doctors who came around my baby and I was trying to hear what they said. But I was super exhausted and had zero energy.

Everyone was busy and no one would be able to answer me if my baby was going to be alright. Again, I lay there helpless.


I had a marginal placenta previa and the baby was unable to turn and she had a hard time coming out as the placenta is blocking her way. I am so thankful that we did not have to go through any forcep or vacuum because my pushes were hard enough.



But even after saying so, I look like a major wreck after the whole ordeal.
Nonetheless she belongs to our family and we will love her no matter what.


We hid her bruise and swell in this picture which covered her left side of forehead and eyes.

Her Nani was, as usual, the first one there to see if she is doing ok.




The same day, her siblings met her.


We slowly figured that because my placenta was low, she only moved one side throughout the third trimester. Plus the placenta was covering her forehead and eyes that the whole area was swollen and bruised and that would also explain how she came out facing up because she was not able to turn!

My poor baby. She must have been so traumatised that she refuses to be with anyone but me and went through digestive reflux over the first six months.

I texted my aunty who is a Captain Midwife in Oman and shared with her my experience. I showed her pictures of my baby and she told me that it was normal. Posterior birth has longer labour and delivery is much more painful. She assured me that the swell and bruise will subside in about 2 weeks. Indeed she was right!

Radiah in the next couple of days in the hospital.

















We had rough months. Really rough.
She wasn't a happy baby for the next 7-8 months. But Alhamdulillah, we are settling down now. Which is why I can probably spend a little more time at night to write up an entry blog.

Today she turn 11 months. Everyone is more approachable to her because she is smiling and laughing a lot more. She is truly a fighter in every sense, including being fiesty to her other two siblings when they take away the toys in her hand.

Happy 11th month baby.




A lot of people advise me not to share my birth journey but to me this is knowledge to be shared with everyone. Not many will experience a posterior birth. The chances are small but you can understand what to do and see the signs if you happen to come across with one. But yes, I shared the story almost a year later. Because I wanted to settle down with my little one and my family of 5 now.
It has been a storming 2015 for us but Insya Allah that only proves our resilience and may Allah grant us ease in our journeys ahead.

Over many years, I have readers who reach out to me with queries on my wedding, my pregnancies, fashion. Those who drop me a note to seek opinion on parenting matters like "What stroller should I get?". Please keep them coming if you have any to ask. I am more than happy to reply.

Till the next news on pregnancy and delivery. I am not planning on another one soon because I want to spend a little more time with the 3 children. Rania is growing up too fast and Riduan and Radiah are always fighting for my attention.
No, I am not done yet, Insya Alllah! May Allah give me health, strength and rezeki!

Amin!

I am watching you

Being a mother for almost 3 years, I still go to work with a heavy heart every single day,
I can only count a handful number of times when I leave the kids with my mom or sis so that I can date the husband.
I want my children everywhere with me. Even though it is tiring. Even though I am pregnant with my third baby.
And I have this habit that I do not like to bring my helper when I head out. I prefer quality family time.
I prefer to be doing everything. I prefer the non-existence of a stranger.

I think not many can understand or adopt my style. But that is me.
My family is exclusive to me.

I have to admit my weakness is my paranoia. Especially when I head to work and leave the kids behind with the maid.
Which mother would not right?
It heightens for me when I have my own place to stay and I need to plant a seed of faith that my children will be taken care of.

Alfi always knows how to calm his wife. So off he went to get a home camera for me to view the kids from work.
He fixed up the camera. He help me download the app, set up the account and all I needed to do was just to launch the application and I am a happy mommmy!

I am really appreciative of such things, really.

This is the camera he bought and we only placed one first in the living room. The camera can rotate about 270 degrees and comes with 16 hours recording.



Details of the camera can be found here.

So go get your hubbies purchase this for a peace of mind. We bought it for $199 in Challenger but it is really worth it!







The picture could have been clearer but I picked on a lower resolution so that the streaming is faster. It could also take pictures while you watch.
The best of it all is that I can call them from my iPhone and watch them on my phone at the same time. So it is very heartwarming to actually see how they talk to me on the phone.

Work still continue as usual as I plug my earphones to hear what is going on in the house and at the same time I will be able to see movement in the living room and kitchen. I can even hear how many time Rania sings her 'Let it go' songs.
I will know when the maid should switch on the TV, or make sure Rania is not standing too close to the television.
If they are not in the living room for a long time, then I will call to check where they are and what they are doing.

There is a speaker function when I can call out for the kids or the maid just by talking through the phone. But I will not do that unless in case of emergency and the helper needs attention.

Many asked me if the maid knows that I installed a camera to look at her. Again I left that to Alfi.
She has no clue!



Apparently, he made it look as it we placed a long item on our bookshelf. So glad I married an engineer.
Haha!

So ladies, go get a home camera and get a peace of mind. It is priceless!

Another move. Another phase.

It has been a very long time since I feel this exhausted.
We moved back to our home after two and a half years at my mom's place after dad passed away.

I wished we could stay a little longer because I could be more dependant on more people.
But at the same time, the space would not allow us to, especially with another child on the way.
So after a long time, we are now home-bound. It is a time when I truly get to experience life as a mother and a housewife.

Back home, I suddenly feel in control. I must make a decision what to cook and not ask around if anyone is cooking. And cooking is not my forte.
My friends and social peers have been getting messages from me on recipes. I go to more supermarkets so I can remember where I can get some things which are not available in other supermarkets.

In my home, the system and structure is my own. I get to tell the maid exactly how I want it to be done. How I want it to be arranged.

When we moved back in, I was doing most of the cleaning. 70% of the cleaning compared to the maid.
A lot of people told me to just leave it to the maid but I insist on setting standards. Put a benchmark on cleanliness. Create a system. Then just get her to follow suit.

Because of the many moves Alfi had made and we as a family making the third move, there are a lot of boxes to clear. Toys to clean. Painting works are on hold after we have completed the children's room and the master bedroom.

Our sofa is still covered with a blanket. We have yet to purchase our dining table.

I am taking it one day at a time. A lot of people are expecting us to host a house warming.
But it is really not my style. I do invite groups of families and friends from time to time but that is about it.
I really don't believe in taking up people's time to show my house. If we are close enough, I rather cook up something simple and you can pop by for us to share some stories.

We will still take a few more weeks to settle down, definitely.
Being on my own with the family means that I am more hands-on more than before. The kids are like in my face all the time. I really enjoy it.

Believe it or not, I don't only feel more like a wife, I feel more like a mother too!



I cannot be more thankful. They are truly the reason why I would wake up every morning and do it all over again.
It is true when people say you have to move out after getting married. After almost 4 years, I can slowly understand why.

Life is always a struggle

There was a period of time in my life, just recently, where I suffered from a burnt-out.
Alfi said I needed to focus and probably I will get things done. In a way, when he said that to me, I was a little upset.

I know he meant well, always giving me the motivation because he knows my limit is never to put myself a limit.
I am famous for pushing myself which I think I got that from my late dad.

I tried managing and dividing my time nicely but somehow things do not work like a clockwork.
With a family, 2 kids and a job, there is always something cropping up at the undesired timing.

I would plan to do Her Closet mail outs every morning before work and then head down to the office.
Lunch and then head home. Dinner, chill, settle the kids and when they tuck in, I will work on Her Closet.
Weekends are allocated strictly for tuition in the morning with the rest of the day strictly for family.

Sounds easy.

In reality, it isn't.

There can be instances where the kids are not well. Or I have an early morning meeting offsite and cannot do my mailing. Tuition has to be shifted because of family commitment. Orders cannot be replied because the moment the kids sleep, I will be right next to them sleeping.

Even on weekends, everyone seeks your time that it is very challenging just to have some nice time with your own family of 4.

So it is tough.

I was so burnt out that I made a plan. A plan to quit my corporate job and focus on entrepreneurship.
Alfi is a business consultant who advises a lot of SMEs daily so he is a free asset to me and I thought with my passion and his guidance, we would make a good team.
Plus, I had it with work. There was no work-life balance at probably the salary I am getting. Work had its own issues and it really pulled me down.
All i wanted to do was to go home and see my children because they never fail to lift that huge burden off my shoulders.
I enjoy giving them their evening showers, play with them, make them milk, wash them with every dirty diaper and at the same time, making sure Alfi had everything he needed to make himself comfortable at home.
It made me feel like a SUPER Mom.

So on 28th June was the day I had planned to 'throw letter'. I am so confident that I would make it on my own with tuition/enrichment classes, Her Closet and blogging. Social media is my forte and I knew with the focus, it could work much more for me.
Alfi & I sat down and calculated the risks and advantages.

It seemed like a very good plan. Send out my resignation letter, serve my one month notice and it was time to move back to my home in Ang Mo Kio.
It would be a fresh beginning for me and the kids. They would wake up to see me every morning. To date, Rania still wake up crying at times but always looking for me every single morning. I had no heart to bring myself to work (though when I am at work, the brain works differently)

But I was very geared up. I shared these plans with some close relatives and friends and they were very supportive.
For me, it was not an easy way out. It was a plan I thought was wise. A plan better for the family.

Come 28th, Alfi was in Hawaii. I called him to say if it is ok to 'throw letter'.
He told me to hold it. His instincts have always been right so I did not question (though I really wish I could but I was not in to spark off another baseless session).

I held my letter back.

I held my letter back but everyday I question what was in store for me. It did not take me long to find the answer.
We believe He is the best planner of our lives. So I have learnt to accept and move forward, keeping the valuables things in life close to my heart.

I always smile when I see the siblings interact with each other. How they would play (rough most times and I will rarely mediate).




How we our lives have changed so much just by having these wonderful gifts from Him




And most of all, I love how my children cling to me like I am their lifeline.
Nothing beats the unconditional love I get from both of them.




Life is always a struggle and a never-ending challenge. It will never change.
It is a promise for us on this Earth. But I am always so thankful of the gifts, the mercy and the love He gives me.

It makes my journey more bearable.
Much more bearable.

Welcome aboard Riduan!

This birth story is coming in very late but it doesn't matter.
Because every birth story is unique. You can give birth 10 times and you have 10 stories to tell.
Thanks to the maids (yeah I changed 4 in 8 months) that all I ever was doing in the house was orientation and getting all stressed up because they are just getting on my nerves. Please don't judge me because I am very nice to maids.
I believe they are here to find money to bring back to their home but alas, not many have that mindset.

But yeah, so far my pregnancy with Riduan was pretty smooth. Asthma was at bay despite whenever I am hit with flu, it will drag for two weeks. This birth story is a must write. Because I wrote one for Rania.
So if I am planning to have 5 kids (6 is bonus, 7th heaven is the limit), there will be at least 5 birth stories to tell.

With Riduan, again, I was hospitalised on 1st October for high blood pressure and then on hospitalisation leave for 2 weeks. In between, I went for another check up at 36 weeks. I was already 2cm dilated. So gynae suggested that we arrange for a delivery the following week. Otherwise if there was any pain, I have to check into the labour ward.

Challenging times because Alfi would not allow me to carry Rania and he said I must have a lot of bed rest. I was going to die if it was bed rest!
I insisted to go out and take a walk. Window shop. Have coffee. Whatever that makes me get out of the house and breathe the air outside.

So on 10th Oct, I felt aching pain and heavy down there. I checked into the labour ward thinking that I was going to deliver but was sent home because they felt that it would be too premature to induce. Baby was 36week +4 days.
I found out later on that there were not enough beds. Everyone wanted to give birth on 10-10.

So I was having Braxton Hicks and was in pain on and off all the time. I told Alfi I wanted to deliver because I rather have him out then having to withstand the pain. Again we realised it was a bad date. 13-10-13.
We called the hospital and again they said all beds were full. Darn.

15th Oct was Hari Raya Haji. I was glad I booked my scheduled induce delivery on the 16th. I was playing with the holidays and making sure that Alfi could spend as much time with me.
16th Oct was also full but luckily mine was pre-booked.

We were told to arrive the hospital at 6am on that day but since I have trouble sleeping and I didnt want to rush to the hospital.
I was heavy and any anxiety will not help.
Before I left, I gave Rania kisses and hugged her till Alfi was ready to go. I felt very emotional that she was no longer going to be the only child. I enjoyed splurging all my attention to her and that was going to end.

So we arrived the hospital at 8.30am. Of course got some warning from the nurses but who cares. I am with KT Tan.
*lol*

A revisit to the labour ward. It was the same configuration during Rania's birth and I am only happy and comfortable to accept it. Somehow I feel a different configuration may affect my senses. hahaha! I am not very receptive to change actually.



These are always must take pictures.





The anticipation of the new baby.

I knew what my birthing plan was going to be. Epidural.
I was not going to let medical technology go to waste. I wanted to be as comfortable as I can when I deliver.
I had no pain delivering Rania and the anaesthetist was awesome.

Apparently, my fate with Riduan was not the same. As mine was induced labour, they had to break my waterbag and since I looked comfortable, I was not given my epidural. They yanked me up there again and again. I bled and bled but the waterbag was not broken.
At the third try and so much prayers to Him, they manage to break my waterbag.

One hour later no pain and then they kicked in the oxytocin.
Bearable pain came in an hour later. I was dilated 3.5cm 3 hours later. It felt like eternity.
Family and friends were probably anticipating a quick delivery especially when it was the second one.

So I requested for the epidural, hoping I can relax and dilate faster.
I was shocked when Alfi was not allowed during the procedure, followed by disappointed and scared.
No one can comfort me like Alfi does. Plus during the procedure, I will squeeze Alfi's hands and he will just have to take the pain. I cannot do that with a nurse!!! Oh well, I did and she released her hand.

The anaesthetist I got was also sucky. She was pan-asian and snobbish and I could feel that she didn't do as good a job as the previous one I had.
I was still feeling pain and discomfort because she gave me half the dose than I previously had. During the labour process, I was told that I could only press for the morphine every 15 mins. And I did.
Little did I know that the more you keep pressing, the machine is intelligent enough to know that patient is in pain and release the morphine faster.

Towards the end I was really suffering.

At 6.50pm I complained of pain. Epidural wore off.
Nurses check and I was 5cm dilated. I was like,"what?!?! half way more to go?"

I didn't want to be a pain too so since I was only 5cm dilated, I let them take their time a little.
Then in 20 mins, I complained of pain again. They checked me and I was fully dilated.

Yes! It was 5 cm in 20 minutes!!!!




I was crying asking for epidural. Plus I was hungry so the gynae was saying,"ok you hungry right? Quickly push and after that can eat."
In my head I was like,"what the hell!! come lah come lah let's push. Get it over and done with!!!"

This time around, I knew how it feels like to have the real contractions and having to push a baby.
I was asking myself what did I get myself into and I swore I was not going to go through this again. But I am a very objective person. So I just wanted to get the baby out.
I pushed more than I needed to with Rania. Probably because Riduan was a bigger baby.

3 pushes to crown and 6 pushes for Riduan to greet all of us. The moment he came out, I was so relief and tears flowed down my eyes.
Two times in a row Alfi cried at my delivery and again he gave me a peck on the forehead and another on the lips.




Moments after delivery



We welcomed guests with goodies. I have this habit of staying a bit longer at the hospital so that I can recover better.
I am patient enough to bring the baby home. Plus, I am more comfortable for guests to come by my ward to visit me and the baby.





During my stay, I try to spend a lot of time with Rania. I feel for her that she was no longer the only child.



Here was Riduan at Day 1 to 3 at the hospital







Yes I bottle fed him from the beginning. Nurses warned me that the baby will get confused with a mother's nipple and the bottle's nipple. I think its bullshit. When the baby is hungry, they will surely accept ANY nipple.
Today I am still breastfeeding Riduan. Not fully since I am already at work but I have been successful. He still wants to latch to me, especially before his naptimes.

3 days later it was take home baby.



8 months later, here is my baby boy.



I know I have said so much about not fancying a baby boy but I am here to declare that I swallow my words.
He is such a smiley and friendly baby that it is so easy for anyone to fall in love with him. Everyone adores him with his carefree nature.

I'm sorry son. It was just me and my hormones that got the better of me probably but I am here to love you for the rest of my life.
Rania is my sunshine. You are my wombat.

I love you both. Not equally. Not the same. But very much sincerely.