Maybe some have heard or known but maybe some have not.
I hang my boots as a stay-at-home mum and picked up my heels again to be a working mummy.

Yes I did! After 20 months being at home. That's how old Radiah is today.

So for many SAHMs who welcomed me back then, it is time to bade me goodbye as I leave the boat.
But I pray you will not label me as a traitor to my children. For leaving the children behind in the hands of caretakers while I earn my dollars and cents.
I pray you do not look at me buying gifts for my children as an act just to appease them.
I pray you do not look at me as a woman who prioritize money over the well-being of the children.

But to be honest, I do not actually care about the label put upon me. Because only I know my intentions and I will only do what is best for my family.
I am a mother and a wife before anything else.

I have been on both sides of the world. Being a working mom and being stay at home mom.
I love being a working mom and I love being a stay at home mom. I am a woman and naturally I am fickle like that.

But in honest truth, whether working or not, I would love to have my kids by me 24/7
Is that possible?

Well I thought so.

So after I delivered by third sweetheart, I waved goodbye to the organisation I was working with for 5 years, determined never to return. Then I picked up my passion I built 10 years ago. I was telling myself 'Ahhh.. now I truly have the time to build whatever I would love to.'

So I continued trading which many ladies are doing today. Buy low; sell high. The cutting edge will be on the number of following and your own marketing. I know it is not easy but I thought since I already had a head start over the decade, why not? Every road surely has its challenges but I figured I got it.

Not how I would imagine it to be though.
I thought with my own office I was able to launch products and work from the comfort of home. Easy isn't it. Mail outs every 2 to 3 days in a week. Reply to customers at the comfort of my bed or while bringing the kids out for play.

Again to cut long story short, I thought it was easy. I thought so.

I underestimated being a stay at home mom. Ok wait.. there is a difference being a stay at home mom with a maid and without a maid. I was a stay at home mom without a maid. Of course the level of satisfaction is different but there I have my children asking for me from the moment they open their eyes till the time they close their eyes. Sometimes at night with their eyes closed also they can still call out for me.

I probably:

• change 10 to 15 diapers a day.
• Go into the showers up to 12 times a day (2 of which are mine).
• Prepare food like every other time.
• Make 15 milk bottles everyday.
• Get the laundry is done everyday.
• Iron everyone's clothes
• Send Rania to school.
• Check on her school work
• I am a person who must make my bed everyday including mopping it. 

There were so many things which I wanted to do for myself and I couldn't do.
But yes, I slept a happy woman. I sleep every night with pride and knowing that I took care of my cubs. I was there at their every fall. I was the one making their milk every time they are thirsty. I know the kind of food that goes inside their mouth.
Being a stay at home mom means I get my 10-min power naps in the cab or when the kids are having their afternoon naps or just anywhere.

During the 20 months which I was at home, the family did alright. Of course financially we were not as lavish as before. It was a sacrifice. Still I felt there were times were still able to eat nice food and kids still get their toys. I am so glad that my children are not very picky. During crunch times, $2 toys from Daiso make them happy.

Until we explored into a business adventure and explored it beyond what we thought was capable. That was when things took a downhill.

I would not say I suffered a loss or my own business suffered a loss. Whatever that I went through, the whole family went through with me. I probably felt so wrecked ad exhausted beyond words. It took me many months to recover financially and be on my feet again. It was not just financially that impacted me. It impacted me psychologically, mentally and I was drained.

Still, I was very lucky.
I was lucky that my losses took me only a few months to regain me back on my feet. I was lucky that I had people who believed in my intentions. I was lucky that I had many loved ones who told me that I would come out from this experience with greater maturity. It was definitely a lesson to learn and remember.

Like I said, whatever impacted me, impacted my family as well.

So I sat down one day and thought through the whole idea of being a stay at home mom.
Was I able to do with less? Not eating out most times? Not going out as much as I would like to? Take the buses and trains more than the cabs? Not buying any bags? or shoes? Not even getting myself new clothes?

Yes yes yes yes yes....

I am a very simple lady. Simple-minded as well.
During this stride, I learn a lot about humility. It pains you when people think you are unable to afford some things in life. It pains you when people puts you at a level below them.
But I have learnt to take the bullet. Swallowed the bitter pill.

I told myself it was God's way to teach me humility. Well, the lesson was a long time.
Long is subjective. In my case we were not looking at months. We were looking at years where I had to bite the bullet.
But after a while I got used to it.
I smile at during those instances. Because I know life is a wheel. I was up. Then i came down.
Today may be your day. Someday, my day will come. I kept my faith.

My husband always say my level of tolerance is very high. But I always reminded him that it is not up to us punish people or put them in their places. We leave it all to the Divine One.

My heart was very heavy to return back to work. I discuss this with the husband and he being the awesome one, he said he has no right to make me return to work because the responsibility to feed the family was him. Not me.
But I shared with him that the economy is on a downturn and we would not know what the future would hold for us.

Of course I had my breaking points. I had moments where I questioned God and His Intentions (which is awfully wrong to do). I wondered how long more. And those were also the times where we got our greatest test from the business ventures we did.
There were many payments we did not receive. Commissions we were not paid. We were shortchanged for the work we did.
But that was business. It was not like a 9 to 6 job which quantifies for $x every month, no matter how little or how hard we worked. Business is a risk.

Still, those who did what they did, I only prayed to Him that He took care of my family. My children especially, for they did not understand anything which was going on. I made sure they were carefree as much as they can be.

Hence, despite all that, I thank Him for the health he gave my whole family. I thank Him for the solid rock marriage I was in. It was a gift.

I took my last straw.
I consulted a close family friend and asked if I should go back to the working world. It was a short and simple question, to which I was given a short and sweet reply. "Yes."

So I finally swallowed the fact I was going to bid goodbye to my SAHM title. I worried a lot about the children. I wondered if they could go through the days without me.

Within 2 weeks, I secured a role. Again in the IT industry, after 11 years, that became my second passion. Well, I didn't think I was going to be selected. There were probably 40 of interviewed (or more). 4 selected. I was one of them. It was mind-blowing.
I was crying in happiness. I hugged my eldest daughter and she said, "Come siblings. Give mummy a hug. She got a job."

Funny thing, when the husband asked about my remuneration, I laughed and I said,"I have no idea."

3 weeks into the role now, alhamdulillah things are settling down. The whole family is getting into a regime and the children are so adaptable. I totally underestimated them.
Radiah did not ask to be breastfed during office hours. Riduan is so well-behaved. Rania stepped up to take care of her other siblings. I am so blessed.
The moment I stepped into the car, greeting everyone, that is the time when I immediately hear squeals, shouts and cries all at the same time. I will always smile.

Nothing beats coming home to the family. In life we all make sacrifices.
It is important to remind yourself that the sacrifice we make need not be the same as the others. While other mummies sacrifice being a SAHM, there are mummies who sacrifice by heading to a 8-hour job. Sacrifice is never quantifiable.

Am I pleasing myself for the fact I head back to work? No.

As I always say, keep the intentions right and let Him pave the way for you.



I know who I am.
I am a mummy. A wife. A working professional.
This itself is fi sabilillah.

Vagisil - Everyone's bestfriend

This should be everyone's best friend.
Well, it has been mine for the longest time! 10 years maybe! And I really want to share this with my readers.

For many years I have with sharing it with my lady friends and mummies but they seem to give me that 'ARE-YOU-SURE' look. I really cannot help but to give them the 'CAN'T-YOU-TELL-IM-SERIOUS' look in return.
Well, it all started when many ask me what was my secret to having flawless skin.

*cough*cough*

I do not have flawless skin. (Happy now?)I have a slightly an uneven skin tone and dark eye rings which I have to thank my genetics for that. Yes, dark eye rings can be genetic and I had mine confirmed by a doctor.
But I have to admit that I do have almost zit-free skin. I used to have a T-zone issue - long time back.

Of course Vagisil is popularly known as a cleaning liquid to wash and clean our lady bits. I always wonder why they have these products because we were taught since young to wash with soap during showers and during visits to the toilet. Nonetheless, I share with the ladies that I use it as a facial wash.

YUP. FACIAL WASH.

Ok, are you going to give me that face again behind the screen?

But truly, this is the one and only facial wash you will ever going to need. I am not a fan of skin solutions because I think they are overly expensive and I really do not have the capacity, be it time or energy to cleanse my face, use tons of cotton wools and toners which are overly drying to the skin. What more moisturisers. Gosh! I hate going to sleep with a sticky face.

So everytime I wash my face in the shower or when I need to take my abolution, I always do it with a 20-cent coin size of Vagisil. Wash it over my face and it cleans make up! Of course for waterproof ones, you need probably about $1 coin size of Vagisil. As for me, I only use foundation, eyebrow colour, eyeliner, blusher, sometimes a little mascara, rarely lipsticks which will be gone after a meal and too lazy to reapply again. So the make up washes off in a jiffy!

Why Vagisil as a facial wash?

1. It works on all skin types.
Vagisil is pH balanced so it is really useful for acne prone skin. As for me, I no longer have T-zone skin. In fact, it will not even leave your skin dry because of balanced pH. So really, this is truly a cheaper option to the many facial wash that you have been trying.

In fact, there are some of Vagisil formulation that contains probiotics and can help to clear up blemishes.

2. It is nicely scented.
I swear upon this. It is awesomely fresh yet sweet smell which is a bonus on top of the clean feel you have on your skin. Of course you can opt for the unscented version.

3. It is hypoallergenic.
I am allergic to 1001 things and when I knew that this formulation was hypoallergic, I was so delighted to use it without much thought.
It is really meant for delicate skin isn't it? Well, why not for the face.

4. It is way cheaper than your bottles of your skin care.
That I need not explain any further.

I am sure the gentlemen will have some reservations using them. Well, if you have a wife, just squeeze out some for yourself. She would not know the different. There is a large amount of love to be shared. Typically a bottle can last myself(only) for 2 months or so.

If you have yet to be married, well, just transfer it to another clear bottle. No one will notice.

Well, there was a day when I was home with the 3 kids alone and preparing lunch. I was happily cutting away the chilli and a couple strands of hair was tickling my nose. Without thinking, or more like a reflex action, I pulled those strands of hair away. Within moments, I felt the piercing heat from the chilli on my nose and cheeks.

I was panicking and had no idea what to do next. The pain was getting intense. I went to the toilet to wash it off and contemplated to apply some toothpaste on it to cool it down. But when I entered the toilet, I saw my facial wash aka Vagisil and I washed my whole face with it.

Trust me, the pain and heat subsided and I felt very clever. Vagisil is pH balanced, hence it neutralises the acidity of the chilli on my skin! Tadaa!

Someone I knew has eczema and when I shared with her about the pH balance of this, she used it as her shower gel. Apparently, she shared that it didn't dry her skin and she felt like the wash didn't rip her off her body moisture!

So ladies, if you are still wondering which facial wash can serve you best, I hope you will give Vagisil a shot. I'm pretty sure it can be love after first wash!

What happens in 2015 remains in 2015

First blog post in 2016. I am too old for resolutions. I am taking life one day at a time.
I am already too tired to plan everything ahead and then get disappointed at times. So, it is always more exciting when impromptu.
For example, since I got married, I never plan for a child. And then they came like popcorns! Pop! Pop! Pop! 3 times.
See! What a joy!

Lol!

As much as I am looking forward to 2016, I am also very scared of what the future holds for me and my family. I only and always pray that we will all be kept in good health and in His blessings. I am more than happy to say goodbye to 2015 but at the same time, treachery onto a unknown future is scary as well.

Entrepreneurship struggles:
In 2015, Alfi and I made a decision to take a break from work. Embark on entrepreneurship and spend more time with the family especially when our third baby was coming. Was it easy? No. It was hell. But we pulled through the year and we made many triumphant memories along the way.
If you know of everyone sharing with you the goodness of entrepreneurship as if it is a bed of roses, never believe them 100%. The road is tough. It takes more than just resilience and perseverance. If you are doing a side business while working, it is a different story altogether. Alfi and I relied entirely on our skills and network to have things going in the house.

We aren't millionaires but we definitely came out of 2015 feeling proud that we pulled through thus far. We came out of 2015 stronger than we were before. Smarter, or shall I say more knowledgeable than we were before. We see more colours of people. We realised that the grass is not necessary greener on this side, as what you read in web journals on entrepreneurship. We sat back and reflected how we survived 2015 with 3 kids and we had no idea. It was the rezeki and barakah of our precious gifts - our children.

Will we continue this route? Insya Allah. We leave it all to Him to guide us and see if this route is best for family.

Desperately a Housewife:
It was the year that I changed my status from being a working mom to a housewife. It was not by choice to be exact. I had a tough pregnancy because of work discrimination. I guess after the third pregnancy over a span of 5 years in the same company, they think I am productive at night instead. Oh well. It was not a place to stay anyway. I couldn't drown myself in toxic environment anymore.

Here is the big but. But when I thought I was game to head back to the workforce after my maternity leave, I was held back totally by my baby girl. Largely due to the stress levels I had during my pregnancy and delivery, Radiah had reflux for 6 months and was intensely stress and clingy baby, only wanting to suckle on the good stuffs (you know what I mean). I was lucky that I had Alfi at home with me most times because I no longer had a maid (I refuse to die standing with one). Being a housewife was not a choice. I was in a situation where I could not go back to the workforce. I truly believe it is God's work to make my life as such. It makes me grounded and stay put.

In brief, as much as all the stress I had with a newborn and 2 other very young children, not being able to see my bank account magically have money inside at the end of every month, I was deeply happy. Even when Alfi had to leave his whole family behind for 2 weeks to di his Umrah. I really thank my mom for putting up at my place during that time, tolerating the cries, the mess, the riot, everything!



Truth is, I was happy that I managed to see my children grow up from morning till night, everyday for the whole of 2015. I was there when the kids are sick at every moment. I was there to cook and feed everyone in the house which makes me realise the depth of love I have for my family. I was there to make sure that the kids were having enough nutrients and water. I was there to make sure the kids were able to spend time in playgrounds and with their Nani.

Those moments are precious.

Of course, we kept our expenses lean. Alhamdulillah despite the periods we had stormy weather, we felt we gave the kids more than enough. In fact, they refused to have a bibik (maid) at home which is a trophy statement for me.
I became smarter in spending and even working out the household expenses. The children still have nice clothes and they get to have whatever they like to eat. Toys was every week or so. Mummy gets a bag or two in a year, a shoe or two. I don't need much. I want a lot! But never needing them. (Needs vs Wants)

Yes, I have a husband who gives me all his earnings and let me decide on expenditure. I will end up just making sure he has cash in his wallet, petrol in his car, season parking settle, remind him of insurance and road tax and of course check his account if he has some money to spend.

But trust me, without a maid, I save a lot (and I really mean a lot!) of money!

2016:
The husband and I are looking forward to 2016. We made ourselves smarter this year than last year. We learn about people well enough. It is also the year where Rania will start school. Schedules and priorities will change. Another year of settling down, hoping to find a new home. Another year of changes. Both Alfi and I are tuned, maybe immune but we take a day at a time.



To my family,
We have braved the storm in 2015. A year we hope to normalise and tie the loose ends. Each and everyone is a gift from God to me and the 5 of us is what I treasure most.

May we snap many more pretty pictures and weave beautiful memories together in good health.

In summary, this is how I will showcase my 2015.



To many good days in 2016, AMIN!

My 37-week Journey

I find a terrible sense of urgency to write up this blog entry. Everything was in a state of craziness for the longest time that I was too exhausted to blog, despite missing in writing.

On 19th January, me and the little girl inside hit 37 weeks! Technically we are full term and baby girl can be popping out anytime.
Oh yes, I have been having ALL the pre-labour symptoms since a few days back. All of it!
So mummies, if you are getting an SG50 baby this year and will be in my shoes soon, here are all the symptoms that you might have.

1. Backache
In this 3rd pregnancy, I have the worst backache ever! It doesn't help that I am making 2 to 3 trips to the toilet every night. Getting up from bed after sleep is a chore. I will be walking like an old woman to the toilet.
I am not as mobile as I would like to be during this pregnancy. I love walks. I can go for walks but now, I will have to take a 15-minute break to rest my back after a long walk. To kick off the walking pace again would also be a chore. But me being me, I really cannot see myself sitting down and resting at home. I feel so.. so... useless.

2. Leaking
Hahahaha.. I leak ever since my first pregnancy. It is and will never be the same again and we all have to live with that in exchange for the beauty of pregnancy and seeing an adorable mould coming out from you.

I used to think sanitary pads are meant for those times of the month. Oh well, not for me.

3. Contractions
Oh yes! I started having Braxton Hicks pretty late into the pregnancy. Sometime around 33 to 34 weeks. That is considered late for me because my children have a habit of coming out 3 weeks earlier than due date. But, this time around, my pre-labour contractions are the most painful among all my 3 pregnancies. I am beginning to think that I am getting old.

It's always tempting to go to the hospital and see if it is due, especially over the last few days but I had to hold back. There was no regularity in the contractions. Then again, I never experienced that. In my first pregnancy, my water bag leaked and I was induced. In the second pregnancy, I was dilated and I was induced.

I faced real contractions delivering Riduan because my epidural wore off. I remembered tearing in pain begging for more epidural. So until i reach half that stage of pain, I will hold off the hospital visit.

4. Cramps
I probably have not had my mensus cramps in the longest time. Since Feb 2013. That makes it almost 2 years when I conceived Riduan, breastfed him and conceived the third child. But yes, it was all coming back to me now.

5. Pelvic Pressure
This has been my accompanying friend for the longest time. When my bladder is full. When I walk. When I bend down to pick up things. My baby girl was already head down at 33 weeks, so this is really no surprise.

6. Baby 'drops'
This too I experienced earlier in the pregnancy, when I was about 34 weeks. Suddenly, I can walk longer, breathe better and laugh harder! I thought it wasn't so obvious, but everyone seems to be noticing it too.. so I definitely can't go wrong.

7. Diarrhea
I am a constipated person by nature. No amount of vegetables can help me with this because it is just what iron does to me. So instead of going to the loo once in every 3 days, I am doing it 3 times a day now. And it is very different feeling.

8. Stop gaining weight
Just a week ago, I lost half a kilo and baby gained 600g. So that makes me 1.1kg lighter.
I would think this is partly due to the change of diet I have since I am controlling my sugar intake and also my new regime of taking the organic apple cider vinegar which helps with weight loss. I also follow the chinese tradition of drinking long bean and tomato juice for diuretic purposes. It's nice to feel lighter despite carrying a rice sack weight in front.

9. Nesting period
This time around, my nesting period kicked in very very much later. Maybe at 35 and 36 weeks or so. I wait for nature to take its course.
But when it came, I was arranging my baby's clothes, re arranging the laundry area and my kitchen. I even am having half the mind to clear up my store. Lol!

So to sum up this pregnancy, I really did not have the best of times (though all makan cravings have been checked and satisfied).Work had been obsessively demanding, creating a lot of unnecessary stress. I had a difficult time keeping Her Closet in regular momentum. I come home late or exhausted that I get too tired to spend time with Rania and Riduan. Not a single date with my husband till I was on hospitalisation leave.

It was also the time when we moved in to our home in Ang Mo Kio and my leave was not cleared. There was no way of settling down. Till today we are still trying to settle down. Then, there were other home issues which made me and hubby taking up a lot of time to normalise for the family.

Hopefully 2015 will spell out a better year for us both and for the family. Here is the journey of my pregnancy for through the 37 weeks.

At 11 weeks, during Eid, still have the urge to wear heels.



15 weeks



16 weeks



18 weeks



20 weeks



23 weeks
I think I look the best here. Not too big. Not too small but well, it was not the end of the journey.



24 weeks



26 weeks



28 weeks



30 weeks
I begged Alfi to bring me to KL to have my feast before I got heavier and could not manage the two kids. It was not an easy trip but we survived!
We booked a hotel at Westin to make it easier for us to head down to Pavillion. Basically we only stayed at B1 and eat and eat and eat.



31 weeks



32 weeks
Some thought I was pregnant with a boy because I did not grow as wide as a girl pregnancy.



35 weeks
Diagnosed with gestational diabetes, it was hell till I found a remedy and resumed the joy of eating again.



36 weeks
Still 0cm dilated during the check up.



37 weeks
The final stretch. Met the gynae at 37+3 days and was already 2.5cm dilated so we scheduled an induced delivery the following day.
I am not a person who can live with anticipation nor someone who would be calm with surprises, hence the willingness to be induced through normal delivery.



Pregnancy has always been a joy for me. To know that I was given the opportunity to carry a little one inside me is a gift. To know that the little one carves out another milestone for the family is too precious to let go.
There is only so many times a woman can go through pregnancy - biologically. So every one is memorable for me.

The target was 5. We have hit 3, past half way mark. I do not have many more chances and the clock is ticking.
If He gives, we shall embrace. That's all I would say.

Till the birth story of my little princess.

I am watching you

Being a mother for almost 3 years, I still go to work with a heavy heart every single day,
I can only count a handful number of times when I leave the kids with my mom or sis so that I can date the husband.
I want my children everywhere with me. Even though it is tiring. Even though I am pregnant with my third baby.
And I have this habit that I do not like to bring my helper when I head out. I prefer quality family time.
I prefer to be doing everything. I prefer the non-existence of a stranger.

I think not many can understand or adopt my style. But that is me.
My family is exclusive to me.

I have to admit my weakness is my paranoia. Especially when I head to work and leave the kids behind with the maid.
Which mother would not right?
It heightens for me when I have my own place to stay and I need to plant a seed of faith that my children will be taken care of.

Alfi always knows how to calm his wife. So off he went to get a home camera for me to view the kids from work.
He fixed up the camera. He help me download the app, set up the account and all I needed to do was just to launch the application and I am a happy mommmy!

I am really appreciative of such things, really.

This is the camera he bought and we only placed one first in the living room. The camera can rotate about 270 degrees and comes with 16 hours recording.



Details of the camera can be found here.

So go get your hubbies purchase this for a peace of mind. We bought it for $199 in Challenger but it is really worth it!







The picture could have been clearer but I picked on a lower resolution so that the streaming is faster. It could also take pictures while you watch.
The best of it all is that I can call them from my iPhone and watch them on my phone at the same time. So it is very heartwarming to actually see how they talk to me on the phone.

Work still continue as usual as I plug my earphones to hear what is going on in the house and at the same time I will be able to see movement in the living room and kitchen. I can even hear how many time Rania sings her 'Let it go' songs.
I will know when the maid should switch on the TV, or make sure Rania is not standing too close to the television.
If they are not in the living room for a long time, then I will call to check where they are and what they are doing.

There is a speaker function when I can call out for the kids or the maid just by talking through the phone. But I will not do that unless in case of emergency and the helper needs attention.

Many asked me if the maid knows that I installed a camera to look at her. Again I left that to Alfi.
She has no clue!



Apparently, he made it look as it we placed a long item on our bookshelf. So glad I married an engineer.
Haha!

So ladies, go get a home camera and get a peace of mind. It is priceless!

Welcome to the family!

Many whom I have shared that I am pregnant again, gave me different reaction.
Some could not believe that I conceived again soon after Riduan's birth. Some cannot believe how I even let myself in the situation. Some even thought I was crazy. Some was not very happy that it was too soon. Some became speechless. Some thought I am a pretty strong woman to be able to put my mind on number 3.

Many who knew me also would have known that I wanted a big family. As big as it can get because my heart can fill them in.

But I always had one principle. Let God decide when is the best time for my pregnancy.

I admit, I never expected myself to get pregnant again so soon and at the same time, I was quite apprehensive because I was still trying to juggle with two children and work was indeed so demanding that I am not sure if there is any work-life balance anymore (or even is there such an ideal?)
I went through a phase after delivering Riduan that both will cry for milk at the same time. Both will seek for attention at the same time.
How to even think of number 3?!?

But I was going to make sure that I would not want to carry on the guilt like how I did with Riduan.
So I made myself embrace the pregnancy very quickly the moment I found out. I knew He plans the right time for the family to have another child though it seems tough.

Workplace is becoming very toxic and I needed to move house, all during my pregnancy. I am exhausted to my bones.

But I still lie in bed and thank Him for all that He had arranged for me. It could have been worse for me and the family. So my little baby is really a saviour for all of us.

I have been unknowing about the pregnancy and there were no tell tale signs for the longest time.
6 months after delivering Riduan, I still did not have my monthly cycle. I read up and since I was semi-breastfeeding, some forums mentioned that it could take up to 8 months for the cycle to come back.

So I gave myself that timeframe. Anything more than a year, I will head down to visit my gynae.
Still, I was taking my pregnancy tests every 2 weeks and all came back negative. But there was a time when Alfi went Hawaii and I lapse with my checks because I thought it was not necessary. Who would?!?!?

So there was a day when we had to send Rania to KK for her croup and Alfi insisted that we fill up our tummies a little from Mac'D so that we will not go hungry.
If you know me, Mac'D was a favourite of mine!
But on that day, I wanted to puke at Mac'D. I forced down a Fillet and did not like it.

Of course Alfi thought that it was strange. It is just not me. He thought he did me a favour so he told me to do a home-test.
After we headed home from KKH, I settled the kids down and did my test at about 2.30am.

I went straight to the room and told Alfi,"B, I'm pregnant."
With his eyes half-open, he said,"Why do you always have to tell me in the middle of the night? Congratulations."

The following day, I quickly scheduled a session with my gynae and met her a few days later. I was actually quite curious how long have I been pregnant.

Gynae: When was your last mensus?
Me: Never had since my second delivery.
Gynae: Wah the sanitary pad company don't get money from you.

So she checked the size of the foetus and confirmed it to be 8 weeks.
8 weeks?!?!?!?
I was pregnant 8 weeks and I didn't know. I only thought I was bloated and was gearing up to get my cycle back again.

But we were very happy. I had no prenatal care and I pray everything is ok.

At 15 weeks, I asked the gynae if we could see the gender. I saw Riduan's at 16 weeks. I was very happy when she said,"I see very penyet (flat)and got equal sign."
Yeay!! Finally Rania will have a sister. I know what it is like to have a sister and I really wanted one for her.
So the other 2 children (after the 3rd one) can come in any gender. My mind is at ease.

Alhamdulillah.

This is me at 14 weeks





15 weeks



And today 16 weeks.



Come beginning next week, I turn 17 weeks! That's pretty quick isn't it!!!

I still feel bloated some days and the stomach is bigger. This time around I take care of my food intake better.
Especially when work can get merciless.

I have the same symptoms when I was pregnant with Rania but milder so I can only be thankful. The asthma, the pimples, the nose redness are all milder than with Rania. In fact weight gain has also been slow which makes me estatic. I am still wearing size M of maternity clothes. (Big Hurray!)

At the end of the day, I love being pregnant. I get a little bit more attention from the husband and he insists no public transportation for me. He makes sure I am getting enough rest and making the maid do most of the things. He succumbs to my cravings everytime. The world is just mine when I am pregnant.
So why do you think I do not mind going through this again and again.

Please pray for the well-being of me and the little baby inside. May we have a nice bond and incubating journey together.
Amin!

Another move. Another phase.

It has been a very long time since I feel this exhausted.
We moved back to our home after two and a half years at my mom's place after dad passed away.

I wished we could stay a little longer because I could be more dependant on more people.
But at the same time, the space would not allow us to, especially with another child on the way.
So after a long time, we are now home-bound. It is a time when I truly get to experience life as a mother and a housewife.

Back home, I suddenly feel in control. I must make a decision what to cook and not ask around if anyone is cooking. And cooking is not my forte.
My friends and social peers have been getting messages from me on recipes. I go to more supermarkets so I can remember where I can get some things which are not available in other supermarkets.

In my home, the system and structure is my own. I get to tell the maid exactly how I want it to be done. How I want it to be arranged.

When we moved back in, I was doing most of the cleaning. 70% of the cleaning compared to the maid.
A lot of people told me to just leave it to the maid but I insist on setting standards. Put a benchmark on cleanliness. Create a system. Then just get her to follow suit.

Because of the many moves Alfi had made and we as a family making the third move, there are a lot of boxes to clear. Toys to clean. Painting works are on hold after we have completed the children's room and the master bedroom.

Our sofa is still covered with a blanket. We have yet to purchase our dining table.

I am taking it one day at a time. A lot of people are expecting us to host a house warming.
But it is really not my style. I do invite groups of families and friends from time to time but that is about it.
I really don't believe in taking up people's time to show my house. If we are close enough, I rather cook up something simple and you can pop by for us to share some stories.

We will still take a few more weeks to settle down, definitely.
Being on my own with the family means that I am more hands-on more than before. The kids are like in my face all the time. I really enjoy it.

Believe it or not, I don't only feel more like a wife, I feel more like a mother too!



I cannot be more thankful. They are truly the reason why I would wake up every morning and do it all over again.
It is true when people say you have to move out after getting married. After almost 4 years, I can slowly understand why.

Eid Mubarak

Since my late dad passed away, celebrating Eid was no longer the same.
I came to a point where I am just going through the motion. Deep down, I silently envy those with full family pictures.
I wished I could have that framed up on my wall. But I was nowhere close.

I never experienced celebrating a Eid with a full set of grandparents.
Neither did my children.

It's fate and undeniable but nonetheless, it didnt stop me from feeling that way.
So no matter how I tried to cheer it up, it is never the same. And it doesn't help that Alfi doesn't enjoy celebrating Eid either.

Now I can only depend on my own little family of four to have a complete picture.
Otherwise it is will never be complete.

Wishing all my readers and Her Closet customers Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.



I am not a very small person by nature and many always wondered how I can fit into a baju kurung every Eid. I will share those details with you ladies very shortly!
This is a must-stay-tune-and-read-post.

The next few days will be a hectic time for me & family. I will be shifting back to my home. It has been two and a half years since I left the place to stay with my mom and since the family is expanding, it is a good time to move back and have our own space.

Though only 13 weeks into pregnancy, my nesting phase is already here.
Maybe because of the shift.

Everyday I search for ideas on how to design my tiny 5-room flat where resource and having children is a constraint. Now that it is no longer myself and Alfi, I have to consider how I am going to arrange utensils and food stuffs in my kitchen, what colour of furniture do I purchase, what furniture would be child-friendly, what kind of rugs do I buy and what kind of curtains/blinds do I select.

Engaging an interior designer will be expensive, especially with a growing family like mine where I spent $600 on diapers and milk alone, I need to be smarter in managing the family's finances.
Well, stay tuned too to see how we unfold settling down in our new space.

I hope time is on our side that we can have a small gathering at our home towards the end of Eid.

xoxo

Life is always a struggle

There was a period of time in my life, just recently, where I suffered from a burnt-out.
Alfi said I needed to focus and probably I will get things done. In a way, when he said that to me, I was a little upset.

I know he meant well, always giving me the motivation because he knows my limit is never to put myself a limit.
I am famous for pushing myself which I think I got that from my late dad.

I tried managing and dividing my time nicely but somehow things do not work like a clockwork.
With a family, 2 kids and a job, there is always something cropping up at the undesired timing.

I would plan to do Her Closet mail outs every morning before work and then head down to the office.
Lunch and then head home. Dinner, chill, settle the kids and when they tuck in, I will work on Her Closet.
Weekends are allocated strictly for tuition in the morning with the rest of the day strictly for family.

Sounds easy.

In reality, it isn't.

There can be instances where the kids are not well. Or I have an early morning meeting offsite and cannot do my mailing. Tuition has to be shifted because of family commitment. Orders cannot be replied because the moment the kids sleep, I will be right next to them sleeping.

Even on weekends, everyone seeks your time that it is very challenging just to have some nice time with your own family of 4.

So it is tough.

I was so burnt out that I made a plan. A plan to quit my corporate job and focus on entrepreneurship.
Alfi is a business consultant who advises a lot of SMEs daily so he is a free asset to me and I thought with my passion and his guidance, we would make a good team.
Plus, I had it with work. There was no work-life balance at probably the salary I am getting. Work had its own issues and it really pulled me down.
All i wanted to do was to go home and see my children because they never fail to lift that huge burden off my shoulders.
I enjoy giving them their evening showers, play with them, make them milk, wash them with every dirty diaper and at the same time, making sure Alfi had everything he needed to make himself comfortable at home.
It made me feel like a SUPER Mom.

So on 28th June was the day I had planned to 'throw letter'. I am so confident that I would make it on my own with tuition/enrichment classes, Her Closet and blogging. Social media is my forte and I knew with the focus, it could work much more for me.
Alfi & I sat down and calculated the risks and advantages.

It seemed like a very good plan. Send out my resignation letter, serve my one month notice and it was time to move back to my home in Ang Mo Kio.
It would be a fresh beginning for me and the kids. They would wake up to see me every morning. To date, Rania still wake up crying at times but always looking for me every single morning. I had no heart to bring myself to work (though when I am at work, the brain works differently)

But I was very geared up. I shared these plans with some close relatives and friends and they were very supportive.
For me, it was not an easy way out. It was a plan I thought was wise. A plan better for the family.

Come 28th, Alfi was in Hawaii. I called him to say if it is ok to 'throw letter'.
He told me to hold it. His instincts have always been right so I did not question (though I really wish I could but I was not in to spark off another baseless session).

I held my letter back.

I held my letter back but everyday I question what was in store for me. It did not take me long to find the answer.
We believe He is the best planner of our lives. So I have learnt to accept and move forward, keeping the valuables things in life close to my heart.

I always smile when I see the siblings interact with each other. How they would play (rough most times and I will rarely mediate).




How we our lives have changed so much just by having these wonderful gifts from Him




And most of all, I love how my children cling to me like I am their lifeline.
Nothing beats the unconditional love I get from both of them.




Life is always a struggle and a never-ending challenge. It will never change.
It is a promise for us on this Earth. But I am always so thankful of the gifts, the mercy and the love He gives me.

It makes my journey more bearable.
Much more bearable.

Welcome aboard Riduan!

This birth story is coming in very late but it doesn't matter.
Because every birth story is unique. You can give birth 10 times and you have 10 stories to tell.
Thanks to the maids (yeah I changed 4 in 8 months) that all I ever was doing in the house was orientation and getting all stressed up because they are just getting on my nerves. Please don't judge me because I am very nice to maids.
I believe they are here to find money to bring back to their home but alas, not many have that mindset.

But yeah, so far my pregnancy with Riduan was pretty smooth. Asthma was at bay despite whenever I am hit with flu, it will drag for two weeks. This birth story is a must write. Because I wrote one for Rania.
So if I am planning to have 5 kids (6 is bonus, 7th heaven is the limit), there will be at least 5 birth stories to tell.

With Riduan, again, I was hospitalised on 1st October for high blood pressure and then on hospitalisation leave for 2 weeks. In between, I went for another check up at 36 weeks. I was already 2cm dilated. So gynae suggested that we arrange for a delivery the following week. Otherwise if there was any pain, I have to check into the labour ward.

Challenging times because Alfi would not allow me to carry Rania and he said I must have a lot of bed rest. I was going to die if it was bed rest!
I insisted to go out and take a walk. Window shop. Have coffee. Whatever that makes me get out of the house and breathe the air outside.

So on 10th Oct, I felt aching pain and heavy down there. I checked into the labour ward thinking that I was going to deliver but was sent home because they felt that it would be too premature to induce. Baby was 36week +4 days.
I found out later on that there were not enough beds. Everyone wanted to give birth on 10-10.

So I was having Braxton Hicks and was in pain on and off all the time. I told Alfi I wanted to deliver because I rather have him out then having to withstand the pain. Again we realised it was a bad date. 13-10-13.
We called the hospital and again they said all beds were full. Darn.

15th Oct was Hari Raya Haji. I was glad I booked my scheduled induce delivery on the 16th. I was playing with the holidays and making sure that Alfi could spend as much time with me.
16th Oct was also full but luckily mine was pre-booked.

We were told to arrive the hospital at 6am on that day but since I have trouble sleeping and I didnt want to rush to the hospital.
I was heavy and any anxiety will not help.
Before I left, I gave Rania kisses and hugged her till Alfi was ready to go. I felt very emotional that she was no longer going to be the only child. I enjoyed splurging all my attention to her and that was going to end.

So we arrived the hospital at 8.30am. Of course got some warning from the nurses but who cares. I am with KT Tan.
*lol*

A revisit to the labour ward. It was the same configuration during Rania's birth and I am only happy and comfortable to accept it. Somehow I feel a different configuration may affect my senses. hahaha! I am not very receptive to change actually.



These are always must take pictures.





The anticipation of the new baby.

I knew what my birthing plan was going to be. Epidural.
I was not going to let medical technology go to waste. I wanted to be as comfortable as I can when I deliver.
I had no pain delivering Rania and the anaesthetist was awesome.

Apparently, my fate with Riduan was not the same. As mine was induced labour, they had to break my waterbag and since I looked comfortable, I was not given my epidural. They yanked me up there again and again. I bled and bled but the waterbag was not broken.
At the third try and so much prayers to Him, they manage to break my waterbag.

One hour later no pain and then they kicked in the oxytocin.
Bearable pain came in an hour later. I was dilated 3.5cm 3 hours later. It felt like eternity.
Family and friends were probably anticipating a quick delivery especially when it was the second one.

So I requested for the epidural, hoping I can relax and dilate faster.
I was shocked when Alfi was not allowed during the procedure, followed by disappointed and scared.
No one can comfort me like Alfi does. Plus during the procedure, I will squeeze Alfi's hands and he will just have to take the pain. I cannot do that with a nurse!!! Oh well, I did and she released her hand.

The anaesthetist I got was also sucky. She was pan-asian and snobbish and I could feel that she didn't do as good a job as the previous one I had.
I was still feeling pain and discomfort because she gave me half the dose than I previously had. During the labour process, I was told that I could only press for the morphine every 15 mins. And I did.
Little did I know that the more you keep pressing, the machine is intelligent enough to know that patient is in pain and release the morphine faster.

Towards the end I was really suffering.

At 6.50pm I complained of pain. Epidural wore off.
Nurses check and I was 5cm dilated. I was like,"what?!?! half way more to go?"

I didn't want to be a pain too so since I was only 5cm dilated, I let them take their time a little.
Then in 20 mins, I complained of pain again. They checked me and I was fully dilated.

Yes! It was 5 cm in 20 minutes!!!!




I was crying asking for epidural. Plus I was hungry so the gynae was saying,"ok you hungry right? Quickly push and after that can eat."
In my head I was like,"what the hell!! come lah come lah let's push. Get it over and done with!!!"

This time around, I knew how it feels like to have the real contractions and having to push a baby.
I was asking myself what did I get myself into and I swore I was not going to go through this again. But I am a very objective person. So I just wanted to get the baby out.
I pushed more than I needed to with Rania. Probably because Riduan was a bigger baby.

3 pushes to crown and 6 pushes for Riduan to greet all of us. The moment he came out, I was so relief and tears flowed down my eyes.
Two times in a row Alfi cried at my delivery and again he gave me a peck on the forehead and another on the lips.




Moments after delivery



We welcomed guests with goodies. I have this habit of staying a bit longer at the hospital so that I can recover better.
I am patient enough to bring the baby home. Plus, I am more comfortable for guests to come by my ward to visit me and the baby.





During my stay, I try to spend a lot of time with Rania. I feel for her that she was no longer the only child.



Here was Riduan at Day 1 to 3 at the hospital







Yes I bottle fed him from the beginning. Nurses warned me that the baby will get confused with a mother's nipple and the bottle's nipple. I think its bullshit. When the baby is hungry, they will surely accept ANY nipple.
Today I am still breastfeeding Riduan. Not fully since I am already at work but I have been successful. He still wants to latch to me, especially before his naptimes.

3 days later it was take home baby.



8 months later, here is my baby boy.



I know I have said so much about not fancying a baby boy but I am here to declare that I swallow my words.
He is such a smiley and friendly baby that it is so easy for anyone to fall in love with him. Everyone adores him with his carefree nature.

I'm sorry son. It was just me and my hormones that got the better of me probably but I am here to love you for the rest of my life.
Rania is my sunshine. You are my wombat.

I love you both. Not equally. Not the same. But very much sincerely.