I am a working mummy

Maybe some have heard or known but maybe some have not.
I hang my boots as a stay-at-home mum and picked up my heels again to be a working mummy.

Yes I did! After 20 months being at home. That's how old Radiah is today.

So for many SAHMs who welcomed me back then, it is time to bade me goodbye as I leave the boat.
But I pray you will not label me as a traitor to my children. For leaving the children behind in the hands of caretakers while I earn my dollars and cents.
I pray you do not look at me buying gifts for my children as an act just to appease them.
I pray you do not look at me as a woman who prioritize money over the well-being of the children.

But to be honest, I do not actually care about the label put upon me. Because only I know my intentions and I will only do what is best for my family.
I am a mother and a wife before anything else.

I have been on both sides of the world. Being a working mom and being stay at home mom.
I love being a working mom and I love being a stay at home mom. I am a woman and naturally I am fickle like that.

But in honest truth, whether working or not, I would love to have my kids by me 24/7
Is that possible?

Well I thought so.

So after I delivered by third sweetheart, I waved goodbye to the organisation I was working with for 5 years, determined never to return. Then I picked up my passion I built 10 years ago. I was telling myself 'Ahhh.. now I truly have the time to build whatever I would love to.'

So I continued trading which many ladies are doing today. Buy low; sell high. The cutting edge will be on the number of following and your own marketing. I know it is not easy but I thought since I already had a head start over the decade, why not? Every road surely has its challenges but I figured I got it.

Not how I would imagine it to be though.
I thought with my own office I was able to launch products and work from the comfort of home. Easy isn't it. Mail outs every 2 to 3 days in a week. Reply to customers at the comfort of my bed or while bringing the kids out for play.

Again to cut long story short, I thought it was easy. I thought so.

I underestimated being a stay at home mom. Ok wait.. there is a difference being a stay at home mom with a maid and without a maid. I was a stay at home mom without a maid. Of course the level of satisfaction is different but there I have my children asking for me from the moment they open their eyes till the time they close their eyes. Sometimes at night with their eyes closed also they can still call out for me.

I probably:

• change 10 to 15 diapers a day.
• Go into the showers up to 12 times a day (2 of which are mine).
• Prepare food like every other time.
• Make 15 milk bottles everyday.
• Get the laundry is done everyday.
• Iron everyone's clothes
• Send Rania to school.
• Check on her school work
• I am a person who must make my bed everyday including mopping it. 

There were so many things which I wanted to do for myself and I couldn't do.
But yes, I slept a happy woman. I sleep every night with pride and knowing that I took care of my cubs. I was there at their every fall. I was the one making their milk every time they are thirsty. I know the kind of food that goes inside their mouth.
Being a stay at home mom means I get my 10-min power naps in the cab or when the kids are having their afternoon naps or just anywhere.

During the 20 months which I was at home, the family did alright. Of course financially we were not as lavish as before. It was a sacrifice. Still I felt there were times were still able to eat nice food and kids still get their toys. I am so glad that my children are not very picky. During crunch times, $2 toys from Daiso make them happy.

Until we explored into a business adventure and explored it beyond what we thought was capable. That was when things took a downhill.

I would not say I suffered a loss or my own business suffered a loss. Whatever that I went through, the whole family went through with me. I probably felt so wrecked ad exhausted beyond words. It took me many months to recover financially and be on my feet again. It was not just financially that impacted me. It impacted me psychologically, mentally and I was drained.

Still, I was very lucky.
I was lucky that my losses took me only a few months to regain me back on my feet. I was lucky that I had people who believed in my intentions. I was lucky that I had many loved ones who told me that I would come out from this experience with greater maturity. It was definitely a lesson to learn and remember.

Like I said, whatever impacted me, impacted my family as well.

So I sat down one day and thought through the whole idea of being a stay at home mom.
Was I able to do with less? Not eating out most times? Not going out as much as I would like to? Take the buses and trains more than the cabs? Not buying any bags? or shoes? Not even getting myself new clothes?

Yes yes yes yes yes....

I am a very simple lady. Simple-minded as well.
During this stride, I learn a lot about humility. It pains you when people think you are unable to afford some things in life. It pains you when people puts you at a level below them.
But I have learnt to take the bullet. Swallowed the bitter pill.

I told myself it was God's way to teach me humility. Well, the lesson was a long time.
Long is subjective. In my case we were not looking at months. We were looking at years where I had to bite the bullet.
But after a while I got used to it.
I smile at during those instances. Because I know life is a wheel. I was up. Then i came down.
Today may be your day. Someday, my day will come. I kept my faith.

My husband always say my level of tolerance is very high. But I always reminded him that it is not up to us punish people or put them in their places. We leave it all to the Divine One.

My heart was very heavy to return back to work. I discuss this with the husband and he being the awesome one, he said he has no right to make me return to work because the responsibility to feed the family was him. Not me.
But I shared with him that the economy is on a downturn and we would not know what the future would hold for us.

Of course I had my breaking points. I had moments where I questioned God and His Intentions (which is awfully wrong to do). I wondered how long more. And those were also the times where we got our greatest test from the business ventures we did.
There were many payments we did not receive. Commissions we were not paid. We were shortchanged for the work we did.
But that was business. It was not like a 9 to 6 job which quantifies for $x every month, no matter how little or how hard we worked. Business is a risk.

Still, those who did what they did, I only prayed to Him that He took care of my family. My children especially, for they did not understand anything which was going on. I made sure they were carefree as much as they can be.

Hence, despite all that, I thank Him for the health he gave my whole family. I thank Him for the solid rock marriage I was in. It was a gift.

I took my last straw.
I consulted a close family friend and asked if I should go back to the working world. It was a short and simple question, to which I was given a short and sweet reply. "Yes."

So I finally swallowed the fact I was going to bid goodbye to my SAHM title. I worried a lot about the children. I wondered if they could go through the days without me.

Within 2 weeks, I secured a role. Again in the IT industry, after 11 years, that became my second passion. Well, I didn't think I was going to be selected. There were probably 40 of interviewed (or more). 4 selected. I was one of them. It was mind-blowing.
I was crying in happiness. I hugged my eldest daughter and she said, "Come siblings. Give mummy a hug. She got a job."

Funny thing, when the husband asked about my remuneration, I laughed and I said,"I have no idea."

3 weeks into the role now, alhamdulillah things are settling down. The whole family is getting into a regime and the children are so adaptable. I totally underestimated them.
Radiah did not ask to be breastfed during office hours. Riduan is so well-behaved. Rania stepped up to take care of her other siblings. I am so blessed.
The moment I stepped into the car, greeting everyone, that is the time when I immediately hear squeals, shouts and cries all at the same time. I will always smile.

Nothing beats coming home to the family. In life we all make sacrifices.
It is important to remind yourself that the sacrifice we make need not be the same as the others. While other mummies sacrifice being a SAHM, there are mummies who sacrifice by heading to a 8-hour job. Sacrifice is never quantifiable.

Am I pleasing myself for the fact I head back to work? No.

As I always say, keep the intentions right and let Him pave the way for you.



I know who I am.
I am a mummy. A wife. A working professional.
This itself is fi sabilillah.