I was pregnant until...

I had a phase which I did not know how to explain.
The phase was that I had no mood most of the time. No mood to mingle. No mood to snap pictures on a real camera.
No mood to stay out late. No mood to have fun.
I was lying down in my bed most of the time, not to mention that my husband DIY-ed my sister's room, making it awesomely comfortable NOT to leave the room.

Rania was cranky and became a handful to handle.
I was truly exhausted.
Her Closet orders were looked at not very often and I was just too tired to have it done despite me knowing the urgency at the back of my head.

Then my weight loss stopped.
I was depressed. I went out looking for any kinds of body wraps i could think of.
The money spent?
Oh my god, don't mention.

Then mom suggested that I take the pregnancy test.
I was seriously very skeptical. I mean I am always exhausted so WHAT ARE THE ODDS RIGHT?

I bought a detox drink over the counter at a pharmacy, hoping to reduce the bloatedness of my body.
It sat on my table for a week.
I thought twice every time I wanted to drink. That was when I bought the pregancy kit test.
"Get myself tested first," I thought. Once all is clear, I will drink the detox tea.

To my disbelief, the pregnancy kit test was positive.

I rushed to the room at 1am and woke the husband up.
"I'm pregnant," I said.
"Congratulations." Then he went to sleep.

What!?!?!

So I took a long warm shower and went to bed.
The next morning, the husband woke up and said,"B, you are pregnant."

"Yes, I am." I answered not wanting to wake up yet.

Knowing that, I took my folic acid pills and Blackmores pregnancy pill.
I started lactating a little bit which Rania still laughs every time I give a breast to her.

Then two weeks later, I started to spot.
Same like when I was pregnant with Rania. I was spotting at 5 weeks.
But we took it quite lightly this time not wanting to waste the money because Alhamdulillah, Rania is a healthy litle girl.
The spotting turn to menstrual bleeding.
I was concerned but I thought everything will be ok.

Until on Sunday night, I felt a blob coming out.
"Not good," I thought.
I felt slight cramps from the side of my stomach but I thought I overate from the wedding and dinner.

That night, I could not sleep.
I felt blood gushing out. I decided to get to the toilet before I stained my bed.

Too late.

When I came out, I was bleeding on the floor.
I panicked.
I woke the husband up and I was feeling very light headed from losing too much blood.
I changed a pad but I leaked 5 mins later. I had no energy to change my pad again or pants, so I stained the bed again.

I woke mom up to take care of Rania while I went to the hospital.
Husband made me a cup of Milo which helped a lot.
Still, he was holding me while we walked to the car.

At the void deck, I grabbed him and said,"I feel another big one out. Its now like a ball in between my legs."
We rushed to the hospital.

Luckily it was 5.30am where there are not many patients.
I was the first one attended. The nurses were placing blue sheets everywhere I was.

After all was settled, the nurse advised me to change my pad.
I brought my husband to the toilet.

When I took off my pants, I saw a light yellow jelly ball of about 7cm diameter.
I told the husband to call the nurse. I could not believe that came out from me.
She came and took a specimen bottle. Carried the ball and placed it inside.
"She passed already!"

I did not understand.

She showed me the content.
That was actually my amniotic sac and I saw my little one right at the centre of it.
The head, black eye and webbed hands were there.
My heart sank.

The little one looks 8 weeks.
The subsequent cleaning by the on-call doc was painful and truthfully quite torturous.

I was asked to be warded to do the D&C as there were still a lot of blood clots in the uterus.
The minute I walked into my ward, I requested for my gynae to attend to me instead of the on-call doc.
They were working like clockwork!

My gynae was superb. She cleaned me up 3 times and the last one, I felt my tummy much lighter.
"Feel better?" she asked.

Subsequent scans show my uterus is clear with little clots. She advised that I went on antibiotics instead, explaining the complications with D&C. God knows how I left the medical decisions to her.
So a night stay and my daughter reformed to be a much pleasant daughter.
Maybe she missed me. Maybe she knows she will have me for a while more.

Little Sister was sweet too. I came home to see this on my cupboard.
I miss the times when we write love notes to each other.

I was already excited dreaming of us turning from 3 to 4 in no time.
The husband and I want a big family, Insya Allah.
But at the same time, we leave it all in His hands. He plans the best for us.

From dad's passing to Rania in the hospital for brochiulitis to my miscarriage, the husband and I are very challenged.
The Malays say 'Jatuh ditimpa tangga.'
If this is His test to us, we can only work to get through it with strength and patience.

Love does conquer all, Insya Allah.

xoxo