This should be everyone's best friend.
Well, it has been mine for the longest time! 10 years maybe! And I really want to share this with my readers.

For many years I have with sharing it with my lady friends and mummies but they seem to give me that 'ARE-YOU-SURE' look. I really cannot help but to give them the 'CAN'T-YOU-TELL-IM-SERIOUS' look in return.
Well, it all started when many ask me what was my secret to having flawless skin.

*cough*cough*

I do not have flawless skin. (Happy now?)I have a slightly an uneven skin tone and dark eye rings which I have to thank my genetics for that. Yes, dark eye rings can be genetic and I had mine confirmed by a doctor.
But I have to admit that I do have almost zit-free skin. I used to have a T-zone issue - long time back.

Of course Vagisil is popularly known as a cleaning liquid to wash and clean our lady bits. I always wonder why they have these products because we were taught since young to wash with soap during showers and during visits to the toilet. Nonetheless, I share with the ladies that I use it as a facial wash.

YUP. FACIAL WASH.

Ok, are you going to give me that face again behind the screen?

But truly, this is the one and only facial wash you will ever going to need. I am not a fan of skin solutions because I think they are overly expensive and I really do not have the capacity, be it time or energy to cleanse my face, use tons of cotton wools and toners which are overly drying to the skin. What more moisturisers. Gosh! I hate going to sleep with a sticky face.

So everytime I wash my face in the shower or when I need to take my abolution, I always do it with a 20-cent coin size of Vagisil. Wash it over my face and it cleans make up! Of course for waterproof ones, you need probably about $1 coin size of Vagisil. As for me, I only use foundation, eyebrow colour, eyeliner, blusher, sometimes a little mascara, rarely lipsticks which will be gone after a meal and too lazy to reapply again. So the make up washes off in a jiffy!

Why Vagisil as a facial wash?

1. It works on all skin types.
Vagisil is pH balanced so it is really useful for acne prone skin. As for me, I no longer have T-zone skin. In fact, it will not even leave your skin dry because of balanced pH. So really, this is truly a cheaper option to the many facial wash that you have been trying.

In fact, there are some of Vagisil formulation that contains probiotics and can help to clear up blemishes.

2. It is nicely scented.
I swear upon this. It is awesomely fresh yet sweet smell which is a bonus on top of the clean feel you have on your skin. Of course you can opt for the unscented version.

3. It is hypoallergenic.
I am allergic to 1001 things and when I knew that this formulation was hypoallergic, I was so delighted to use it without much thought.
It is really meant for delicate skin isn't it? Well, why not for the face.

4. It is way cheaper than your bottles of your skin care.
That I need not explain any further.

I am sure the gentlemen will have some reservations using them. Well, if you have a wife, just squeeze out some for yourself. She would not know the different. There is a large amount of love to be shared. Typically a bottle can last myself(only) for 2 months or so.

If you have yet to be married, well, just transfer it to another clear bottle. No one will notice.

Well, there was a day when I was home with the 3 kids alone and preparing lunch. I was happily cutting away the chilli and a couple strands of hair was tickling my nose. Without thinking, or more like a reflex action, I pulled those strands of hair away. Within moments, I felt the piercing heat from the chilli on my nose and cheeks.

I was panicking and had no idea what to do next. The pain was getting intense. I went to the toilet to wash it off and contemplated to apply some toothpaste on it to cool it down. But when I entered the toilet, I saw my facial wash aka Vagisil and I washed my whole face with it.

Trust me, the pain and heat subsided and I felt very clever. Vagisil is pH balanced, hence it neutralises the acidity of the chilli on my skin! Tadaa!

Someone I knew has eczema and when I shared with her about the pH balance of this, she used it as her shower gel. Apparently, she shared that it didn't dry her skin and she felt like the wash didn't rip her off her body moisture!

So ladies, if you are still wondering which facial wash can serve you best, I hope you will give Vagisil a shot. I'm pretty sure it can be love after first wash!

What happens in 2015 remains in 2015

First blog post in 2016. I am too old for resolutions. I am taking life one day at a time.
I am already too tired to plan everything ahead and then get disappointed at times. So, it is always more exciting when impromptu.
For example, since I got married, I never plan for a child. And then they came like popcorns! Pop! Pop! Pop! 3 times.
See! What a joy!

Lol!

As much as I am looking forward to 2016, I am also very scared of what the future holds for me and my family. I only and always pray that we will all be kept in good health and in His blessings. I am more than happy to say goodbye to 2015 but at the same time, treachery onto a unknown future is scary as well.

Entrepreneurship struggles:
In 2015, Alfi and I made a decision to take a break from work. Embark on entrepreneurship and spend more time with the family especially when our third baby was coming. Was it easy? No. It was hell. But we pulled through the year and we made many triumphant memories along the way.
If you know of everyone sharing with you the goodness of entrepreneurship as if it is a bed of roses, never believe them 100%. The road is tough. It takes more than just resilience and perseverance. If you are doing a side business while working, it is a different story altogether. Alfi and I relied entirely on our skills and network to have things going in the house.

We aren't millionaires but we definitely came out of 2015 feeling proud that we pulled through thus far. We came out of 2015 stronger than we were before. Smarter, or shall I say more knowledgeable than we were before. We see more colours of people. We realised that the grass is not necessary greener on this side, as what you read in web journals on entrepreneurship. We sat back and reflected how we survived 2015 with 3 kids and we had no idea. It was the rezeki and barakah of our precious gifts - our children.

Will we continue this route? Insya Allah. We leave it all to Him to guide us and see if this route is best for family.

Desperately a Housewife:
It was the year that I changed my status from being a working mom to a housewife. It was not by choice to be exact. I had a tough pregnancy because of work discrimination. I guess after the third pregnancy over a span of 5 years in the same company, they think I am productive at night instead. Oh well. It was not a place to stay anyway. I couldn't drown myself in toxic environment anymore.

Here is the big but. But when I thought I was game to head back to the workforce after my maternity leave, I was held back totally by my baby girl. Largely due to the stress levels I had during my pregnancy and delivery, Radiah had reflux for 6 months and was intensely stress and clingy baby, only wanting to suckle on the good stuffs (you know what I mean). I was lucky that I had Alfi at home with me most times because I no longer had a maid (I refuse to die standing with one). Being a housewife was not a choice. I was in a situation where I could not go back to the workforce. I truly believe it is God's work to make my life as such. It makes me grounded and stay put.

In brief, as much as all the stress I had with a newborn and 2 other very young children, not being able to see my bank account magically have money inside at the end of every month, I was deeply happy. Even when Alfi had to leave his whole family behind for 2 weeks to di his Umrah. I really thank my mom for putting up at my place during that time, tolerating the cries, the mess, the riot, everything!



Truth is, I was happy that I managed to see my children grow up from morning till night, everyday for the whole of 2015. I was there when the kids are sick at every moment. I was there to cook and feed everyone in the house which makes me realise the depth of love I have for my family. I was there to make sure that the kids were having enough nutrients and water. I was there to make sure the kids were able to spend time in playgrounds and with their Nani.

Those moments are precious.

Of course, we kept our expenses lean. Alhamdulillah despite the periods we had stormy weather, we felt we gave the kids more than enough. In fact, they refused to have a bibik (maid) at home which is a trophy statement for me.
I became smarter in spending and even working out the household expenses. The children still have nice clothes and they get to have whatever they like to eat. Toys was every week or so. Mummy gets a bag or two in a year, a shoe or two. I don't need much. I want a lot! But never needing them. (Needs vs Wants)

Yes, I have a husband who gives me all his earnings and let me decide on expenditure. I will end up just making sure he has cash in his wallet, petrol in his car, season parking settle, remind him of insurance and road tax and of course check his account if he has some money to spend.

But trust me, without a maid, I save a lot (and I really mean a lot!) of money!

2016:
The husband and I are looking forward to 2016. We made ourselves smarter this year than last year. We learn about people well enough. It is also the year where Rania will start school. Schedules and priorities will change. Another year of settling down, hoping to find a new home. Another year of changes. Both Alfi and I are tuned, maybe immune but we take a day at a time.



To my family,
We have braved the storm in 2015. A year we hope to normalise and tie the loose ends. Each and everyone is a gift from God to me and the 5 of us is what I treasure most.

May we snap many more pretty pictures and weave beautiful memories together in good health.

In summary, this is how I will showcase my 2015.



To many good days in 2016, AMIN!

I am watching you

Being a mother for almost 3 years, I still go to work with a heavy heart every single day,
I can only count a handful number of times when I leave the kids with my mom or sis so that I can date the husband.
I want my children everywhere with me. Even though it is tiring. Even though I am pregnant with my third baby.
And I have this habit that I do not like to bring my helper when I head out. I prefer quality family time.
I prefer to be doing everything. I prefer the non-existence of a stranger.

I think not many can understand or adopt my style. But that is me.
My family is exclusive to me.

I have to admit my weakness is my paranoia. Especially when I head to work and leave the kids behind with the maid.
Which mother would not right?
It heightens for me when I have my own place to stay and I need to plant a seed of faith that my children will be taken care of.

Alfi always knows how to calm his wife. So off he went to get a home camera for me to view the kids from work.
He fixed up the camera. He help me download the app, set up the account and all I needed to do was just to launch the application and I am a happy mommmy!

I am really appreciative of such things, really.

This is the camera he bought and we only placed one first in the living room. The camera can rotate about 270 degrees and comes with 16 hours recording.



Details of the camera can be found here.

So go get your hubbies purchase this for a peace of mind. We bought it for $199 in Challenger but it is really worth it!







The picture could have been clearer but I picked on a lower resolution so that the streaming is faster. It could also take pictures while you watch.
The best of it all is that I can call them from my iPhone and watch them on my phone at the same time. So it is very heartwarming to actually see how they talk to me on the phone.

Work still continue as usual as I plug my earphones to hear what is going on in the house and at the same time I will be able to see movement in the living room and kitchen. I can even hear how many time Rania sings her 'Let it go' songs.
I will know when the maid should switch on the TV, or make sure Rania is not standing too close to the television.
If they are not in the living room for a long time, then I will call to check where they are and what they are doing.

There is a speaker function when I can call out for the kids or the maid just by talking through the phone. But I will not do that unless in case of emergency and the helper needs attention.

Many asked me if the maid knows that I installed a camera to look at her. Again I left that to Alfi.
She has no clue!



Apparently, he made it look as it we placed a long item on our bookshelf. So glad I married an engineer.
Haha!

So ladies, go get a home camera and get a peace of mind. It is priceless!

Another move. Another phase.

It has been a very long time since I feel this exhausted.
We moved back to our home after two and a half years at my mom's place after dad passed away.

I wished we could stay a little longer because I could be more dependant on more people.
But at the same time, the space would not allow us to, especially with another child on the way.
So after a long time, we are now home-bound. It is a time when I truly get to experience life as a mother and a housewife.

Back home, I suddenly feel in control. I must make a decision what to cook and not ask around if anyone is cooking. And cooking is not my forte.
My friends and social peers have been getting messages from me on recipes. I go to more supermarkets so I can remember where I can get some things which are not available in other supermarkets.

In my home, the system and structure is my own. I get to tell the maid exactly how I want it to be done. How I want it to be arranged.

When we moved back in, I was doing most of the cleaning. 70% of the cleaning compared to the maid.
A lot of people told me to just leave it to the maid but I insist on setting standards. Put a benchmark on cleanliness. Create a system. Then just get her to follow suit.

Because of the many moves Alfi had made and we as a family making the third move, there are a lot of boxes to clear. Toys to clean. Painting works are on hold after we have completed the children's room and the master bedroom.

Our sofa is still covered with a blanket. We have yet to purchase our dining table.

I am taking it one day at a time. A lot of people are expecting us to host a house warming.
But it is really not my style. I do invite groups of families and friends from time to time but that is about it.
I really don't believe in taking up people's time to show my house. If we are close enough, I rather cook up something simple and you can pop by for us to share some stories.

We will still take a few more weeks to settle down, definitely.
Being on my own with the family means that I am more hands-on more than before. The kids are like in my face all the time. I really enjoy it.

Believe it or not, I don't only feel more like a wife, I feel more like a mother too!



I cannot be more thankful. They are truly the reason why I would wake up every morning and do it all over again.
It is true when people say you have to move out after getting married. After almost 4 years, I can slowly understand why.

Eid Mubarak

Since my late dad passed away, celebrating Eid was no longer the same.
I came to a point where I am just going through the motion. Deep down, I silently envy those with full family pictures.
I wished I could have that framed up on my wall. But I was nowhere close.

I never experienced celebrating a Eid with a full set of grandparents.
Neither did my children.

It's fate and undeniable but nonetheless, it didnt stop me from feeling that way.
So no matter how I tried to cheer it up, it is never the same. And it doesn't help that Alfi doesn't enjoy celebrating Eid either.

Now I can only depend on my own little family of four to have a complete picture.
Otherwise it is will never be complete.

Wishing all my readers and Her Closet customers Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.



I am not a very small person by nature and many always wondered how I can fit into a baju kurung every Eid. I will share those details with you ladies very shortly!
This is a must-stay-tune-and-read-post.

The next few days will be a hectic time for me & family. I will be shifting back to my home. It has been two and a half years since I left the place to stay with my mom and since the family is expanding, it is a good time to move back and have our own space.

Though only 13 weeks into pregnancy, my nesting phase is already here.
Maybe because of the shift.

Everyday I search for ideas on how to design my tiny 5-room flat where resource and having children is a constraint. Now that it is no longer myself and Alfi, I have to consider how I am going to arrange utensils and food stuffs in my kitchen, what colour of furniture do I purchase, what furniture would be child-friendly, what kind of rugs do I buy and what kind of curtains/blinds do I select.

Engaging an interior designer will be expensive, especially with a growing family like mine where I spent $600 on diapers and milk alone, I need to be smarter in managing the family's finances.
Well, stay tuned too to see how we unfold settling down in our new space.

I hope time is on our side that we can have a small gathering at our home towards the end of Eid.

xoxo

Welcome aboard Riduan!

This birth story is coming in very late but it doesn't matter.
Because every birth story is unique. You can give birth 10 times and you have 10 stories to tell.
Thanks to the maids (yeah I changed 4 in 8 months) that all I ever was doing in the house was orientation and getting all stressed up because they are just getting on my nerves. Please don't judge me because I am very nice to maids.
I believe they are here to find money to bring back to their home but alas, not many have that mindset.

But yeah, so far my pregnancy with Riduan was pretty smooth. Asthma was at bay despite whenever I am hit with flu, it will drag for two weeks. This birth story is a must write. Because I wrote one for Rania.
So if I am planning to have 5 kids (6 is bonus, 7th heaven is the limit), there will be at least 5 birth stories to tell.

With Riduan, again, I was hospitalised on 1st October for high blood pressure and then on hospitalisation leave for 2 weeks. In between, I went for another check up at 36 weeks. I was already 2cm dilated. So gynae suggested that we arrange for a delivery the following week. Otherwise if there was any pain, I have to check into the labour ward.

Challenging times because Alfi would not allow me to carry Rania and he said I must have a lot of bed rest. I was going to die if it was bed rest!
I insisted to go out and take a walk. Window shop. Have coffee. Whatever that makes me get out of the house and breathe the air outside.

So on 10th Oct, I felt aching pain and heavy down there. I checked into the labour ward thinking that I was going to deliver but was sent home because they felt that it would be too premature to induce. Baby was 36week +4 days.
I found out later on that there were not enough beds. Everyone wanted to give birth on 10-10.

So I was having Braxton Hicks and was in pain on and off all the time. I told Alfi I wanted to deliver because I rather have him out then having to withstand the pain. Again we realised it was a bad date. 13-10-13.
We called the hospital and again they said all beds were full. Darn.

15th Oct was Hari Raya Haji. I was glad I booked my scheduled induce delivery on the 16th. I was playing with the holidays and making sure that Alfi could spend as much time with me.
16th Oct was also full but luckily mine was pre-booked.

We were told to arrive the hospital at 6am on that day but since I have trouble sleeping and I didnt want to rush to the hospital.
I was heavy and any anxiety will not help.
Before I left, I gave Rania kisses and hugged her till Alfi was ready to go. I felt very emotional that she was no longer going to be the only child. I enjoyed splurging all my attention to her and that was going to end.

So we arrived the hospital at 8.30am. Of course got some warning from the nurses but who cares. I am with KT Tan.
*lol*

A revisit to the labour ward. It was the same configuration during Rania's birth and I am only happy and comfortable to accept it. Somehow I feel a different configuration may affect my senses. hahaha! I am not very receptive to change actually.



These are always must take pictures.





The anticipation of the new baby.

I knew what my birthing plan was going to be. Epidural.
I was not going to let medical technology go to waste. I wanted to be as comfortable as I can when I deliver.
I had no pain delivering Rania and the anaesthetist was awesome.

Apparently, my fate with Riduan was not the same. As mine was induced labour, they had to break my waterbag and since I looked comfortable, I was not given my epidural. They yanked me up there again and again. I bled and bled but the waterbag was not broken.
At the third try and so much prayers to Him, they manage to break my waterbag.

One hour later no pain and then they kicked in the oxytocin.
Bearable pain came in an hour later. I was dilated 3.5cm 3 hours later. It felt like eternity.
Family and friends were probably anticipating a quick delivery especially when it was the second one.

So I requested for the epidural, hoping I can relax and dilate faster.
I was shocked when Alfi was not allowed during the procedure, followed by disappointed and scared.
No one can comfort me like Alfi does. Plus during the procedure, I will squeeze Alfi's hands and he will just have to take the pain. I cannot do that with a nurse!!! Oh well, I did and she released her hand.

The anaesthetist I got was also sucky. She was pan-asian and snobbish and I could feel that she didn't do as good a job as the previous one I had.
I was still feeling pain and discomfort because she gave me half the dose than I previously had. During the labour process, I was told that I could only press for the morphine every 15 mins. And I did.
Little did I know that the more you keep pressing, the machine is intelligent enough to know that patient is in pain and release the morphine faster.

Towards the end I was really suffering.

At 6.50pm I complained of pain. Epidural wore off.
Nurses check and I was 5cm dilated. I was like,"what?!?! half way more to go?"

I didn't want to be a pain too so since I was only 5cm dilated, I let them take their time a little.
Then in 20 mins, I complained of pain again. They checked me and I was fully dilated.

Yes! It was 5 cm in 20 minutes!!!!




I was crying asking for epidural. Plus I was hungry so the gynae was saying,"ok you hungry right? Quickly push and after that can eat."
In my head I was like,"what the hell!! come lah come lah let's push. Get it over and done with!!!"

This time around, I knew how it feels like to have the real contractions and having to push a baby.
I was asking myself what did I get myself into and I swore I was not going to go through this again. But I am a very objective person. So I just wanted to get the baby out.
I pushed more than I needed to with Rania. Probably because Riduan was a bigger baby.

3 pushes to crown and 6 pushes for Riduan to greet all of us. The moment he came out, I was so relief and tears flowed down my eyes.
Two times in a row Alfi cried at my delivery and again he gave me a peck on the forehead and another on the lips.




Moments after delivery



We welcomed guests with goodies. I have this habit of staying a bit longer at the hospital so that I can recover better.
I am patient enough to bring the baby home. Plus, I am more comfortable for guests to come by my ward to visit me and the baby.





During my stay, I try to spend a lot of time with Rania. I feel for her that she was no longer the only child.



Here was Riduan at Day 1 to 3 at the hospital







Yes I bottle fed him from the beginning. Nurses warned me that the baby will get confused with a mother's nipple and the bottle's nipple. I think its bullshit. When the baby is hungry, they will surely accept ANY nipple.
Today I am still breastfeeding Riduan. Not fully since I am already at work but I have been successful. He still wants to latch to me, especially before his naptimes.

3 days later it was take home baby.



8 months later, here is my baby boy.



I know I have said so much about not fancying a baby boy but I am here to declare that I swallow my words.
He is such a smiley and friendly baby that it is so easy for anyone to fall in love with him. Everyone adores him with his carefree nature.

I'm sorry son. It was just me and my hormones that got the better of me probably but I am here to love you for the rest of my life.
Rania is my sunshine. You are my wombat.

I love you both. Not equally. Not the same. But very much sincerely.

I missed you!

Indeed I miss writing on this blog. This blog keeps my sanity in check, I swear. So I kinda lost some of my sanity now.
I missed my readers. I used to get a few emails/watsapp/facebook chats but those have reduced over the months.
Thanks to my work schedule which is more hectic than ever and also to the previous helpers I had which didn't help me at all.

Riduan is turning 7 months now!
How time flies and there is not even a birth story about him. Trust me, I do plan to have that written out, if you still like to read it.
Nonetheless, I will still have it blogged soon because it is not fair that Rania has a birth story and Riduan doesn't.

Life as a mother of two now is so different. It is challenging but surely rewarding.



Their smiles, their antics - its really one of a kind.
Insya Allah to many more blog entries to come over the next few days.

This is just to kick-off the long silence.
I am not going to stop rattling off.

That's for sure!

What to expect at 32 weeks

It is very quick how one week move in to another and another and by the time it comes to realization, I start to panic.
Alhamdulillah I received a lot of hand-me-downs for this baby boy. More than what I used to have for Rania.
I have a carton of shoes just for my little boy and tons of clothes!

Rezeki anak masing

But the Malays believe that as the number of children grows, so will your share and the children's share.
Somehow, we always manage to make ends meet. Feed mouths and have an extra little thing or two.
That is Allah's promise.

And surprisingly, it is the same promise believed by the Christians as well and sometimes I wonder why many of us or them would like to stop at 1 or 2 children, blaming the Singapore living standards.
I may not understand but I planted a little bit of faith and keep going. So when many said I am lucky to have a girl and a boy and that I can "close shop", I really pray that that would not be the case.

I do have to admit though that I do not have as much energy this pregnancy as in the last.
I take comfort for the fact that every pregnancy is different not because I am OLD!!!
*lol*
Alhamdulillah, my asthma did not flare up as terribly as it did during the first pregnancy. I am very thankful.
Of course my body is increasingly more sensitive with allergens at each pregnancy but being breathless is really no fun.

As any other normal pregnancy moms, I do download those apps to track my little one's development.
When I hit 12 weeks, I was like,"Yeay! Safe zone now. Chances of miscarriage is halved!"
Then when I reach about 17 weeks, I was like,"I am in my second trimester! The best trimester!"
When I was 20-ish, I was like,"Are we halfway?" Because the engine was starting to wear out. The stomach got bigger. Walking was quite a chore. Rania started to be so clingy.

Then I hit the 30-ish week.
I went from,"Wah! We reach the third milestone already!" to "Are we there yet?"

But the time ticks pretty quickly. Just when I read I was in my 31st week and wanted to blog, there was a notification after a few days that I was in my 32nd week!
That fast?
Or have I become a tortoise.

This is me over the past two weeks. There isn't much difference about how big I am.. but I am definitely huge.
Thank goodness, despite my food rampage, I didn't put on as much as I did when I was pregnant with Rania.
Oh well.. let's hope the weight loss will also be easier.




Over the past few weeks, my little princess has been very clingy with me.
Entering into the house from work, she will squeal and spin and squeal and laugh that it makes me fall in love with her all over again.
Most times, she will refuse to let Alfi carry her and end up strangling my neck when Alfi tried to pull her from me.
A lot of people advise me against carrying Rania and a lot also wondered how I can manage carrying Rania with my tummy so huge.
Sometimes we as mothers do not have a choice. When the child wants you, there is no negotiation to that.

Rania will only sleep when I lay beside her and pat her to bed.
Alfi will always have a hard time putting her to bed while I am in the shower. The minute I come back into the room, she will run across the bed and say" mummy.. mummy.."
Again, how can you refuse that.

She has grown up so much over the past 20 months and Alfi and I still gushed about what a big girl she is now.
She has already called herself Kakak Nia.
I didn't even think about it!




I am sure I will miss her when her little brother arrives but I pray I will be a better mother being to juggle all my activities, work and then two children.

Now I am just savouring my times with Alfi and our little girl.
I promise Alfi a date which I always end up bringing Rania (not that Alfi minds) so I need to put my mind to it.

The end game is scheduled on 27 Oct which I hope to deliver right after Hari Raya Haji.
Yes, I am ready to receive him from down under.

xoxo

Life Changes

So much has happened over the past 4 to 6 weeks that I have been pretty quiet.
I have put on much weight now. I may just hit the 90kg mark again.
Thank god I have not yet walked like a penguin but I am definitely walking slower now.

Entering into the third trimester now has been quite challenging and some of these challenges were something I did not forsee.
One big example was having Rania being extremely clingy with me.
While I enjoy her running to the door screaming "Mummy" repeatedly everytime I come home from work, it also means that I have to pick her up and carry her, kiss her all over and ask her how was her day without sitting down.

This is also the time when the 'nesting period' sets in.
So I end up cleaning my own room, packing and repacking, trying to make some space for the little baby boy.
It is really a challenge to maintain an upcoming family of 4 and Her Closet in the same room. Just that in mind makes me miss my home in AMK and the space I can potentially have.
But the hubby is also worried that I need those extra pair of hands to help me when baby no. 2 comes.

Over the weeks, I bid goodbye to Android (especially HTC), a semi-goodbye to Windows (because it is still awesome when it comes to my work productivity) and welcome Apple into my life episodes.
Hmmmm.. yeah.. finally.
I was very resistant to step into the Apple world but it is very key for me for get connected to the people in the social network. That is where I get my daily doses of chats and sharing among the sisters. My online business works very well with an iPhone apparently.
I love the photography apps available to feed my obsession. I love the fact that I do not need to carry my iPad around anymore. Diaper bags are an ease now.

So switching to an iPhone made me a happy girl though I must admit it takes a lot of discipline to put the phone aside.
Plus, I ended up doing more microblogging than blogging.

I think my Instagram pictures looked better. More of character.
You know how a picture tells 1000 words. Maybe I can do it not with 10,000 words.





How I find it very convenient not to lug around my camera because I do it all on the iPhone.
Third trimester, back ache, sleepless nights, the iPhone keeps me company because Alfi bought me a 3m long cable wire where I can play with my IG, upload videos, watch YouTube and play Candy Crush while lying on the bed.

Pampered much?
Perks of being married. Bonus to be pregnant.

*lol*

So here is how I spend my Eid.
4 days of visiting and the body gave up on me.



I'm in the 30th week now.
7 more weeks to go till full term and looking forward to the maternity leave.

It is probably no rest time for me since the newborn will feed all the time and give me sleepless night but I am looking forward to use this time to spend time with my children.
It's amazing how my hair stands when I use the word 'children'

First it was just me and Alfi. Then we had a little girl. Now another addition coming along.
Trust me, I swear there is still a lot of space in our hearts to welcome more.

Just the other day, I shared with Alfi that if I were given a choice between luxury and children, I will choose children.
He smiled.
One of the reasons why we got married was because we agreed to have a big family and having one just makes me look forward to grow old with him.

May Allah continue to bless us with so much love and joy.
It is truly a priceless gift.

xoxo

Learning to love again

I have a little confession. Ok, not so little confession.
In fact, I personally think I there is something wrong with me in my head and as much as I do not share this much with many except for really close ones, I am glad I am going to do that now.

I probably emerge with a new perspective and feels like a breath of fresh air.

To the few people I spoke to, I am glad I did. I get to vent out easily without being judged and criticized.
And I am not sure if sharing this reach out to some of you who are in my shoes.

Maybe it is just me and I am the only one.

I just posted this picture today. I reached 22 weeks this week and this tiny human in me is depending his entire life on me.



This pregnancy (in comparison to my pregnancy with Rania), I glowed more. People actually say I am glowing. Just a little more make up (like a eyeshadow or lipstick) makes me look even better. Even the (lady) security guard at my house commented on my T-shirt and pants look.

My cheeks and most importantly the nose maintain rigidity! My love handles did not grow any thicker and I didn't grow any wider.
I can still fit into my pre-pregnancy pants (without buttoning up of course!) and my old pregnancy pants with the help of the pregnancy band to hold the pants up.

I gained 7kg in 22 weeks. Though it does not sound a lot, it will still be hardwork for me after delivery.
Firstly, I have past 30 so weight loss is definitely slower and also I still have a 5kg debt from my previous pregnancy.
With Rania, I put on a total of 25kg.

At 18 weeks, I requested for my gynae to see the gender. Then she said,"Why you want hero ah?"
"No la.. doesn't matter. I just want to start shopping."

When she nudge my tummy around, she saw the gender. My heart sank.
When people ask me, I avoid answering saying that the baby close legs. Some I tested their response and was disappointed to hear what I heard.

I hated it when they came to me and say,"Boy eh?"
Like it was so natural to get a boy after a girl and then I will get a girl and then a boy.

I hated how the society put sons on the pedestal and I did not hide that frustration on my Facebook. I was ever so ready that I will deliver (potentially) 5 girls!

I hated to see how mothers beam when they say,"My son.."

And I kept telling myself that it is not fair because as a son, my husband is a good son and a good man. He is a good husband and a good father. I know sons who are very dutiful and really admire how they persevere with challenging mothers today. But I cannot stand how some of our Malay mothers treat sons like how the Indian mothers treat their sons.

Then when I tried to reason things out with people around me, they say, its ok. If you have a son, your husband's inheritance is secured with your son. Then I was utterly disgusted.
There is no point for me to have a son, giving half of my husband's inheritance eventually and then forget of his man responsibilities that is to take care of his sisters and mother. If there is no man in the house to take care of your daughters, Islam will take care of your daughter. She gets two thirds of the inheritance (to be split across her other sisters)

Mothers please get that right.

Then my cousins was telling me that they will grow up to be a man who can take care of our funeral, lead prayers and making sure that our after-life is taken care of.
Its true.
But it didn't convince me enough.

I was very frustrated. Of course I prioritise having a healthy baby.
I was even more frustrated with myself as to why I could not accept the gender of the baby.

In a way, I was very pressured to have a son and who doesn't hate pressure. The more I was pressured, the more rebellious I am in accepting. I wanted to prove that life with daughters was nothing bad.

Many times, I sit down and tell myself this is God's gift. Whatever it is, it was for the better of me.
But the devil in me always ask,"In what way better?"
Wallahualam.

My daughter came at a right and wrong moment. The right moment for the family because I lost one of the most important men in my life. The wrong moment because I became a very paranoid and distraught mother. I hold my daughter closer than my own life. She means more than my life. That was God's gift to the whole family.
My mother would not have survived without Rania. I would not too.

One night, I dreamt I needed to have a forced abortion. I did not cry but when I saw the tiny one removed from me, I cried in my dreams. I woke up with sudden realization that I was not being fair.

During the detailed scan, I was anxious to confirm the gender and making sure the baby was ok.
Gender was confirmed. There was no way I could buy time and hope for the opposite.

This is not God's gift to me. This is what is best for me and the family. This is meant for me. For us.

That night, I did my sujud syukur (prostration of gratitude) that I have a healthy baby. I prayed to God to give me strength to be a mother of two. I prayed He gives the family rezeki which is berkat. I prayed He grant us health.
I bowed my head in regret. Why did I tried to run away from fate.

I felt guilty to the unborn one inside me. He is so innocent.
And there are many more women who wants to conceive and hold the little one but they just couldn't.
I felt ashamed. Truly ashamed.

I embraced my fate. I embraced him being in me.
And when I let my defenses down, I finally become excited. Excited to hold a newborn again.
I tested my own waters by visiting a friend who just gave birth to a son. I smiled. I told myself, Insya Allah someday I will hold a similar one in my hands.

And it was so warm to see Rania pointing to the baby and said,"Baby.. baby"

So at 22 weeks, I am really ready to see the expansion of our family. Today I have so many ideas in my head.
I am starting to have a happy pregnancy. Finally I am embracing.
(Now you know why I haven't blogged much about this pregnancy)

May Allah forgive my sins.

So yes, we are having a boy!!!



Thanks for those who voted the gender of baby. :)

I am sharing this with you because I want mothers to come to a realization that sons are not everything (and neither are daughters) in inheritance, in morals, in priority or whatsoever. I may be the only mother who dislike sons. But whether sons or daughters, they will turn out how we mold them and I need to learn this balancing act now.
Sharing this is among the dark side of me that not many know. May I become a mother where my children do not find it hard to love and adore.

Many said when the new one comes, it is very easy to 'forget' the first one. I hope I would not come to that stage. Rania is very precious to me. Very.

Today, I am looking forward to hold this tiny one (apparently doc said he is a bigger baby) in my hands and may He continue to bless us. Amin.

Midweek Food for thought: Marriage to us

It is always during pregnancy that I will cry in my sleep.
I cry in my sleep because I always end up dreaming that he is cheating on me with another woman and out of frustration, I will cry.
During my first pregnancy, I went through the same phase - many times.

So during this pregnancy, Alfi was caught off-guard with my cries once.
Then after he was reminded of his experience, he will quickly wake me up when I end up crying in my sleep and said,"No, I am not cheating on you."

I am always very appreciative when he understood my struggles and leftover struggles of losing my dad, when he understood my hormones during pregnancy and of course my fickleness in planning things out.
Women are one of the worst in planning. While I am open to be more impromptu, an engineer brain like him prefers schedules to be more structured.

Last night when Alfi was sleeping and Rania cuddling up to him, I had my own me-time (at 2am in the morning after preparing my presentation slides for today). I was considering whether to play Candy Crush or watch E!News. So I was checking my social media and saw Mufti Menk was on Twitter. I followed him and click on the link of his website.

I diverted my attention.

I clicked on his audio on the topic he just delivered recently in Singapore. I could not get tickets and I didn't quite mind. I did not follow him. I did not hear him before despite a lot of our brothers and sisters share his quotes and speeches on Facebook.
So actually, I really wanted to know what is so awesome about this guy.

I admit work and having my hands tied took me quite far from the things I still need to focus - knowledge of religion.

He shared something which caught my ears despite my eyes were half closed on the bed. I picked up my phone and texted Alfi (yes, while he was sleeping)

"Five years ago when you met me, I was a flower full of colour and vibrance. You picked me up and married me. Over time, I may wilt and lose my colour but remember the flower you picked up. It was your eyes who determined I was the one and I pray you will keep that in your heart."

10 hours later after we rushed off for work and settled down in the office, he replied.

"You are one flower that will never wilt in my heart for you grow inside me and I will always put nutrition and life in you as long as I live."


I teared.

So I told him I am hormonal. I know I married the perfect man for me.

Go pick up your phone and text something nice and romantic to your spouse. You may just end up hormonal like me!
These are rare moments for me and Alfi because most times, our texts are more naughty.

xoxo

18 out of 40 weeks

I am disgusted with myself about how much I lack blogging and it is not that I do not want to.
Time just does not seem to permit.
Sometimes (only sometimes!) I let Candy Crush decide the best of me.

Wakakaka!

But the days are really taking a toll on me. So many things in my head. So many things to execute but I just do not seem to have enough of 24 hours.
Then I question myself, 'Is this what the world is to me now?'

Then I am saddened.
I have long since took a back, enjoy the sights and the scenery or even bend down to smell the roses.
Ok.. all those are metaphors. Sure.

But that is what life seems to me now.

The new role I have despite being very interesting and something I enjoy just sponge up my time very quickly.



If you think this is my typical work day, let me share with you that it is not.
This is one of the rare days which I get to sit in the office and work my emails on my laptop.



Otherwise, I am constantly on the move, visiting and hosting customers. This was a picture taken on my birthday with the Japanese delegates. Looks fun but I swear it was exhausting.

I reply a lot of my emails on the move.
Whenever I am from one location and need to head to the other, I will use the time in the taxi to first do my work calls, then I moved on to calling my mom and daughter to see how they are doing at home. Check if she is alright and playing well. Listen to her antics from my mom. Then I will make a final call to my husband. Always a quick one to check on his schedule and tell him that I missed him.

And because of this, I have little or almost no sentiments of my pregnancy times, which is sad.
There was only a handful times where I sat down, rubbed my tummy hoping and trying to feel the connection with me and my little one inside.

Rania sleeps at 11.30pm. She cries for milk (yes, at 17 months) at 3am and 7am.
By 8am, I am up to get ready for work. If Rania is up and I do not have a meeting till the afternoon, I will have her showered and changed then I get ready for work.
I am lucky that work is pretty flexible and mobile in that sense (though there are monsterous days)

I buy or bring lunch before I head to the office so that I have good productive hours.

By 4.30pm I'm off.
Again, if I am in the office. Otherwise, if there are meetings and dinner appointments, it can stretch till late night.

By the time I am home, my home tuition classes start. One after another.
Sometimes if I am lucky, I have 1 class. On normal days, I have two classes.
And on really exhausting days, I have 3 classes back to back and will not get to spend time with Rania will about 10.30pm.

That is when my dinner is, shower, read Rania a book and I may end up dozing before her.
It is the same for the husband too.

Now that June is coming and exams are over, we start to see a slow down rate of classes. Which gives the family a little bit more space to breathe.

For a start, I am already at my 18th week of pregnancy! Yay!
How time flies this pregnancy. In the past, I will do my weekly reading of the baby's development, diligent with my multivitanmins, folic acid and fish oil.
This time around, I am very complacent with my prenatal care which makes me feel like a terrible mother and how I wish I can hold others responsible but then again I let fate take its course.



So far, I have only put on 5kg and I was overestimating my size terribly.
Partly because I was really huge when I was pregnant with Rania. At the same time, being pregnant with an active 17th month old baby and working round the clock is really hectic.

But to say I am small is such a blatant lie. I was among the flourishing mothers who could not lose the last 5kg from the first pregnancy.
With Rania, I put on a total of 22kg. I WAS A WHALE!!!

But to lose 17kg was quite a good job, don't you think?

Today, I am looking out for a good massage lady for my post natal care. So if you know of any good ones, do share with me. I am looking for those who can wrap me up nice and tight.

There are times when I pity Rania who will have to share my time with her sibling at a tender age of 1 yr 10 mths.



Rania can already help me with simple things. She understands instructions like 'take', 'give' and when I say 'please' it means I really need her cooperation. In fact, she has been helping out with her pregnant mummy take things in the room because I am too tired to move around.

I am also trying to spend as much time I can with her. It guilts me when she hugs me around my neck out of no reason or when she whines unnecessarily for me to carry her and her father would not allow.





My advertising for Pampers was great! Not only did we have were on the OMY (a blogging community within Singapore Press Holdings) highlights



But we also made it on My Paper, a bilingual paper which is given out for free!



So yes, there has been a lot of things going on.
Work is work and family time is always the best to keep your sanity. So for all that is worth, I am still contented on the small little things He gives me despite I spend less time smelling the roses.

I will be back for more, definitely.
Just to quickly share, we got sponsorship for Canon Pixma and it has been awesome fun!



June is the time where many spend time with their children over the school holidays and I will share with you fun and exciting things you can do as a family with a Canon Photo Printer.

xoxo