Learning to love again

I have a little confession. Ok, not so little confession.
In fact, I personally think I there is something wrong with me in my head and as much as I do not share this much with many except for really close ones, I am glad I am going to do that now.

I probably emerge with a new perspective and feels like a breath of fresh air.

To the few people I spoke to, I am glad I did. I get to vent out easily without being judged and criticized.
And I am not sure if sharing this reach out to some of you who are in my shoes.

Maybe it is just me and I am the only one.

I just posted this picture today. I reached 22 weeks this week and this tiny human in me is depending his entire life on me.



This pregnancy (in comparison to my pregnancy with Rania), I glowed more. People actually say I am glowing. Just a little more make up (like a eyeshadow or lipstick) makes me look even better. Even the (lady) security guard at my house commented on my T-shirt and pants look.

My cheeks and most importantly the nose maintain rigidity! My love handles did not grow any thicker and I didn't grow any wider.
I can still fit into my pre-pregnancy pants (without buttoning up of course!) and my old pregnancy pants with the help of the pregnancy band to hold the pants up.

I gained 7kg in 22 weeks. Though it does not sound a lot, it will still be hardwork for me after delivery.
Firstly, I have past 30 so weight loss is definitely slower and also I still have a 5kg debt from my previous pregnancy.
With Rania, I put on a total of 25kg.

At 18 weeks, I requested for my gynae to see the gender. Then she said,"Why you want hero ah?"
"No la.. doesn't matter. I just want to start shopping."

When she nudge my tummy around, she saw the gender. My heart sank.
When people ask me, I avoid answering saying that the baby close legs. Some I tested their response and was disappointed to hear what I heard.

I hated it when they came to me and say,"Boy eh?"
Like it was so natural to get a boy after a girl and then I will get a girl and then a boy.

I hated how the society put sons on the pedestal and I did not hide that frustration on my Facebook. I was ever so ready that I will deliver (potentially) 5 girls!

I hated to see how mothers beam when they say,"My son.."

And I kept telling myself that it is not fair because as a son, my husband is a good son and a good man. He is a good husband and a good father. I know sons who are very dutiful and really admire how they persevere with challenging mothers today. But I cannot stand how some of our Malay mothers treat sons like how the Indian mothers treat their sons.

Then when I tried to reason things out with people around me, they say, its ok. If you have a son, your husband's inheritance is secured with your son. Then I was utterly disgusted.
There is no point for me to have a son, giving half of my husband's inheritance eventually and then forget of his man responsibilities that is to take care of his sisters and mother. If there is no man in the house to take care of your daughters, Islam will take care of your daughter. She gets two thirds of the inheritance (to be split across her other sisters)

Mothers please get that right.

Then my cousins was telling me that they will grow up to be a man who can take care of our funeral, lead prayers and making sure that our after-life is taken care of.
Its true.
But it didn't convince me enough.

I was very frustrated. Of course I prioritise having a healthy baby.
I was even more frustrated with myself as to why I could not accept the gender of the baby.

In a way, I was very pressured to have a son and who doesn't hate pressure. The more I was pressured, the more rebellious I am in accepting. I wanted to prove that life with daughters was nothing bad.

Many times, I sit down and tell myself this is God's gift. Whatever it is, it was for the better of me.
But the devil in me always ask,"In what way better?"
Wallahualam.

My daughter came at a right and wrong moment. The right moment for the family because I lost one of the most important men in my life. The wrong moment because I became a very paranoid and distraught mother. I hold my daughter closer than my own life. She means more than my life. That was God's gift to the whole family.
My mother would not have survived without Rania. I would not too.

One night, I dreamt I needed to have a forced abortion. I did not cry but when I saw the tiny one removed from me, I cried in my dreams. I woke up with sudden realization that I was not being fair.

During the detailed scan, I was anxious to confirm the gender and making sure the baby was ok.
Gender was confirmed. There was no way I could buy time and hope for the opposite.

This is not God's gift to me. This is what is best for me and the family. This is meant for me. For us.

That night, I did my sujud syukur (prostration of gratitude) that I have a healthy baby. I prayed to God to give me strength to be a mother of two. I prayed He gives the family rezeki which is berkat. I prayed He grant us health.
I bowed my head in regret. Why did I tried to run away from fate.

I felt guilty to the unborn one inside me. He is so innocent.
And there are many more women who wants to conceive and hold the little one but they just couldn't.
I felt ashamed. Truly ashamed.

I embraced my fate. I embraced him being in me.
And when I let my defenses down, I finally become excited. Excited to hold a newborn again.
I tested my own waters by visiting a friend who just gave birth to a son. I smiled. I told myself, Insya Allah someday I will hold a similar one in my hands.

And it was so warm to see Rania pointing to the baby and said,"Baby.. baby"

So at 22 weeks, I am really ready to see the expansion of our family. Today I have so many ideas in my head.
I am starting to have a happy pregnancy. Finally I am embracing.
(Now you know why I haven't blogged much about this pregnancy)

May Allah forgive my sins.

So yes, we are having a boy!!!



Thanks for those who voted the gender of baby. :)

I am sharing this with you because I want mothers to come to a realization that sons are not everything (and neither are daughters) in inheritance, in morals, in priority or whatsoever. I may be the only mother who dislike sons. But whether sons or daughters, they will turn out how we mold them and I need to learn this balancing act now.
Sharing this is among the dark side of me that not many know. May I become a mother where my children do not find it hard to love and adore.

Many said when the new one comes, it is very easy to 'forget' the first one. I hope I would not come to that stage. Rania is very precious to me. Very.

Today, I am looking forward to hold this tiny one (apparently doc said he is a bigger baby) in my hands and may He continue to bless us. Amin.