But today, I wanted to type out about my memory 6 years ago. Every Chinese New Year is always a painful phase for me to get by.
22 Jan 2011 marks my 30th day of confinement after delivering Rania. My first princess. I was so eager to take a step out of the house. Get a breather.
It was the first day of Chinese New Year.
My parents and little sister were supposed to drive up to KL on that day. Everything was set. Luggage, hotel and time to leave home.
5.30am my phone was ringing like crazy but I was too deep into sleep. Rania was giving me a hard time at night.
Alfi was in the toilet. He quickly came out and he said ,”B, your sister has been calling you. It must be something urgent. You better call her back.”
Calls at that hour are always never pretty.
I called back.
My sister was crying over the phone to ask me to go to Changi General Hospital. Dad wasn’t breathing. He is all blue.
I said ok.
I sat on my bed. Rania still asleep. I told Alfi what happened.
“I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do.”
“Ok you sit down for a while. Let me prepare the diaper bag”
“What diaper bag. We don’t have a diaper bag”
But he got it all done. God knows how he could think so fast during an emergency. I was still sitting there. Breathless.
“You better get ready. We got to go. You cannot do this.”
“I don’t know what to wear.”
My head wasn’t thinking at all. My dad. My pillar. My strength. The man who brought me up, accepted my character and gave me space to grow. The man who I can share with him my anger and frustration. My dreams and my hopes. And all he will do is to motivate and listen.
He listens.
“Anything. Just anything.”
We rushed to the hospital and Dad already completed his operation. He was blue. I touched him and I cried. I told him to be strong.
But it was during the Chinese New Year that the ambulance response was late. It was during the Chinese New Year that they were understaffed. Didn’t help that they had trouble bringing my dad down from the master bedroom to the lift and from the lift to the ambulance.
Today, I did my prayer. And as usual I do some quick simple doa. Same doa. For my family.
Then Dad came to my mind.
And I said, “Oh Allah, please tell my Dad that I miss him very much. Please tell him that i try not to think of him because I still have not gotten over his passing. Everytime I think of him, I will have tears lingering in my eyes. I can’t. I have to be strong for my family. My spouse and children esp needs me. I need to attend to the worldly matters as part of my responsibility. Pls tell Dad that I always miss him. It’s just that I have to get by the day.”
I recited Al-Fateha for my old man and I cried and cried and cried in the middle of the night while everyone was asleep. My husband and 4 children.
I cried like 6 years ago. I forgot how painful it was until today.
Dad, I know we will reunite later. Alfi always remind me, this world is temporal.
I love you Dad.
