I hate where I stand today.
Being fully aware and sound of situations but not in the right place and time to lash it out.
Truth is, it is almost driving me crazy.

I may be sound and intellectually alert but I am going nuts.
Suddenly, I'm too dazed and not emotionally in a balanced position.

It began on Friday.
The person I looked up to as a leader gave me a different viewpoint of himself on me.
When you understand the principles he held on to, you wonder where did the integrity in the workforce goes to

I have never been so de-motivated & utterly disappointed in my new phase of employment until recently.
When I reflect it upon myself, trying to analyse where I went wrong, I could not figure it out!

How to? When I got caught in a situation all of the sudden and then had barely 30 seconds to wrap it all up when I didn't know the root to the conclusion.
I did get lost.

It took me the whole day to cool down that even my girl asked me if I was still mad.
It wasn't as if I was spewing my anger around.
*shakes head*
Nope, not my style.

But I know now that I need to re-direct myself on the basis of the decision made.
The process of re-directing and re-focusing is an ongoing process which never ends in our phases of life.

But I made my conclusion when I had an IBM Orientation course during the mid-week last week.

I can make good social friends with men but never close with the men whom I co-laterally need to work directly with.
Some said these men probably felt some sense of challenge and threat with my existence in a strained compound but I always thought I am being over-estimated.
I have always understood my boundaries and the extent I would set which I never crossed.

Some said because I was too outspoken but I am hugely mild over here in IBM.
Gone were my HP days when I was less mellow.

Look at it this way.
Singaporeans are mostly all talk and no action. Too rigid that when you put them in a whole pool of people, they are contented to be quiet and listen to you throughout ANY sessions conducted.

Any questions?
see... you can hear silence that even a pin-drop is louder than your cough.

But when one starts to speak, the rest will follow suit in a louder tone, trying to potray the best of each one.
By all means.
I don't believe in equals anyway.
I work with NUS graduates (not just the fresh grads), but they can really be stupid asses, truly, just like the many donkeys you find in the farm.

Just because we are borned in a country with a better education system, compared worldwide, we feel that we know the world competitively enough.
Humility is never in our list of ethical values.
Something the government has never tried to instill but keep making us realise only our competitive edge.
So how could we even blame Malaysians for looking at us at the corner of their eyes and being dead-arrogant, when such arrogant persona which we carried for decades was wrong, drawing the line between the exact same races in 2 different countries?

(Could anyone really see through that?)


This is reality.
People are too smart to believe that discrimination is abolished.
They know when they are being discrinated.

For a Singaporean Malay wearing the head dress, it is hard to climb.
That's the hard truth.
Till today, I would be the only Malay attending my own set of meetings, what more one who is a female wearing the head dress.
I hope real stories bring aspirations to the muslims in the region.
No road has a dead-end.
Focus and be adaptable to changes.

I have to head to the hospital again now.
There are more real stories ahead.
Stay tuned.

As for now, work is my secondary focus for family is the highest on the list.
So for those who is trying to play sweet and harmless, I have no qualms.
It is my everyday warfare.

But just like an ordinary IBM-er, the rest of us should follow the same direction of the company itself.

THINK.