I was up early for a Saturday morning.
I couldnt sleep well either the night before.

Probably for the fact that i was falling sick
Which i am.
I developed a chesty cough and phlegm overnight.



*i just turned my head and i saw my almari jatuh!*
Ouh my god...Not again?!?!
Ok. Its time to start giving away the clothes


And i just got a call from work..
Urgh!
Working from home- AGAIN!



Ok so anyway, i am undergoing a major transition of my life.
I dont think people will understand any of this anyway.
Probably they might think i am scandalous or whatever.
Not that i am incapable of being one but what got me rooted was pity.
I would feel so bad having to hurt someone. That was the reason why i could stay in unbearable relationships for so long. No matter what an anal he might be.



But now it was different. I realised i didnt wanna play games anymore.
I'm 24 so it's time to have the right priotities
It's time to sit down and think through what you want.


I'm signing up for GMAT classes which is going to strip me of almost $1800 from my bank.
Class will start this Sept 16.
Every Saturday and Sunday, 9am to 1pm, for 5 weeks.
So for 5 weeks, my weekend sleeping beauty is burnt.
But at least i get myself busied.



I wish people sometimes understand why i made certain choices in my life.
I've reached a stage when i stop jumping into situations.
Something that was nicely built, now turned out to be so sour.

Yes majority of my life is guided by the wind that my family blows
I dont usually get to have a say in anything.
And i dont bother to stand up for myself anymore in this family.
I relent
I sacrifice
Only to cause less friction in this family.

I'm so used to all that.
People complain about their parents and siblings
But nothing could beat mine.
If they could have as much tolerance as me,i'll invite them in my shoes.



But now i am being blamed for taking a new path in my life
A path which was encouraged by a parent.
I dont fight for what i want anymore. I only point it out to them if i could have something.
They say no, i will not argue.
Why be a puppet?
Cos you owe them so much that probably this is the least you can do.
Then what about my pain and suffering?
Allah will take care of that.



Yes i am dating someone new.
After almost 6 months being with Faizam.
Met him at the mosque.
Introduced by the ustaz.
Mom chose him out of the so many options that i have.
Yes i did have many options.


Then i realised that i shouldnt stay in a relationship with Faizam too long after the decision was made
Cos the longer i take to do this
The harder it will be for me and him


I will lie if i say i didnt feel any pain.
And i am going to kill you if you said that i had it all planned out.




But now i am bearing the blame.
That someone took pity on me because of my heartbreak with an anal.
Took me in to love me.
He is a wonderful man. I can assure you that.
Superbly wonderful.
Now he tells me to carry the burden of blame, i shall.
Let him think that the pain was because of what i did to him.
I will let him walk in pride thinking i have wronged him in so many ways.




Nothing got better.
Everything just got more and more sour.
And i am getting more and more tired.
Tired of explaining.
Tired of fighting for myself.



I'm exhausted.
I wish i woke up knowing that i have been sleepwalking all these while