Here and now

My cousin sent me a long sms this morning.
It was timely.

When your world seems to be crumbling, remember that the Almighty will definitely come to your help.

When your road seems to be closed, remember that the Almighty will open many more new roads.

When you are let down by those closest to you, remember that the Almighty never lets you down so make Him even closer.

When you suffer a loss, remember that the Almighty rewards you upon your patieence and endurance far more than what you have lost.

When you are sad, remember to look for the path of He who created for He Alone can make you truly happy.

Praise Him for indeed All praise is due to the one who loves us so much that He always declares Himself Most Compassionate, Most Merciful.

Seeing two deaths in a month, both suddenly passed away due to heart attack was traumatic. But I wanted to be brave. I visited them and went to their tahlil.
Everytime I am there, I was battling myself every minute.
Every single minute with my chest pains and telling myself that it is all psychological.

It didn't help socially because I was always wanting to go back early.
It suck because these were the same family who were there for me when my dad passed away.

Alfi could not fathom my character. He kept telling me it is psychological.
Yes, I know it is but I am not strong enough to take full control of it.
My mind is not strong.

So yesterday in the car, I broke down really bad while my daughter plays around with the buttons in the car and laughs.
I broke down because I do not know exactly what I am feeling and what is my problem.
I do not know what to address.

I kept fearing I was going to die in a heart attack as well with my chest pains.
And everytime that happens, I will make sure Rania's diaper is changed, she has a fresh set of clothes and milk was ready because if anything happens to me, someone who needs to take care of her have it easy.

I have withdrawal symptoms whenever my husband needs to teach night class.
Pathetic I know.
It is a mental thing but at the same time, it was something I could not help it.

God knows this is not something I want for myself.
The stress is causing me a lot of gastric pain and it gives me light-headedness.
My head was just thinking about death all the time.

I became super claustrophobic. I could not be in tunnels or lifts.
No MRTs especially when the news is not helping.
I could not be in a place where there was a lot of people. I would feel stuffy and suddenly feel that I cannot breathe.

Again, I know it was my mental well-being.

This morning, I made my way to see the man who I always turn to for my last resort.
Having a heart-to-heart talk make me break down because he is where I can make share my private issues without being judged and get valid advises.

He could sense I was very close with my late father. That I could talk to him so many more things, which I did not even share with the husband back then.
My late father was my listening ear and I always get his vote because he knew I was sensible and my decisions were matured. At the same time, he knew my limitations. My father did not only gave me his listening ear. He adopted differences in all his children and in-laws with no complaints.

That was how wonderful a man I had and I lost that pillar.
Lost and aimless was someone I became which made me turn to Alfi as the next best man.
I know it doesn't sound right and I admit it is not.

Anyway, the man just mentioned this word, "badi" and it clicked.
Maybe I am going through just that but I didn't know.
So he advised me to take some multivitamins, eat good food in smaller portions and increased frequency. Plus he said for a normal woman to get over her postnatal would take about 6 months.
I had postnatal and darah nifas which would have made it worse. Plus maybe it didn't help that I had another miscarriage postnatal 2 months later.

He said this is normal and would usually take me a year to recover.
He too advised me to see a psychologist to address my fears, of which my appointment has already been set.

He said I needed to be healthy because my daughter needs a mother to take care of her and he said Alfi loves me very much and will take care of me.
I was very touched and planted the belief in my very own family.
He added that taking care of my daughter well and being a good wife will make my late father happy in his grave. I knew I needed to be on the right path.

I remember a week before dad had his attack he left me with something I never forget.
"Listen to your husband."

And today, I am doing just that.

It doesn't matter anymore how people will judge me.
I have a family.
Each and every one of you reading this blog have or will have one of your own with your own rules and ideals which I am sure you would not want others to put their hands, legs and feet into it.

I respect people and their lifestyle.
This is my lifestyle.
I am grieving and I need space and time to get over this. We were fated to walk through this path and we will.

I thank Allah that I am a muslim.
It is because of Islam that we go back to basics and understand that life is temporal, nothing is forever and we need to leave it in His hands to take care of us.

Before I left his room, he told me not to worry.
"Just sabar and tabah."

I felt reborn.