Small Talk: My Reality

On 16th Syawal, my close granduncle passed away.
When the phone rang at 3.30am, Rania was crying for her milk and I did not have a good feeling. My thoughts went to him.

But mummy did not knock on my door and I forced myself to sleep.
When I woke up later at 7.30am, the news was confirmed by my sister.

My mind rewinded back to 7 months back when my dad passed away. It is still difficult until today. My family hasn't normalized and I am beginning to wonder if it ever will.

My chest was heavy throughout the whole event even after the burial.
I did not see my father being buried. Maybe that I why I did not get a closure to his passing. At that time, I was staying at home taking care of mom and the baby.

Can you believe that typing down this entry gave me chest heaviness and pains again.

On the day itself, I had an appointment with my asthma specialist.
If you hadn't know, I have been in and out the hospital to get treated with my asthma. Each time, they gave me a nebulizer and a jab at my buttock.
Some pills to swallow and I would be ok for the day.

I visit as often as twice a week, if not once a month.

My health was very frustrating. The husband thought it was something more than health. He said I was thinking too much but I did not care.
I could not breathe!!

Then yesterday's visit to the specialist, who I visit every 3 months, gave me a 180 degree turn.
I was sharing with her my heightening occurences of my asthma. She asked if there was any wheezing and cough and I said no.
Only once there was a little wheeze.

Then she looked at me and said, "Your asthma is not so bad actually. You are just undergoing a lot of stress and thinking too much. Usually asthma will accompany with a wheeze or cough and if you do not have any, then it may be something else."

So I told her about my chest pains and she said,"I think you better see a psychiatrist or some professional counselling to get some help."



She offered me the last visit but I rejected because I thought I could talk it out.
3 months later, I realized I couldn't. I kept it all in me.
I did not reject it because I thought it was demeaning. I just didn't think it was me to need psychiatric help.

The doctor used the word professional help because she was afraid I might take it differently. But I am very open about these things.

Yes, I am highly stressed but the thing is I am not able to point a finger to what causes the stress.
Is it my businesses? Is it home? Is it taking care of my daughter and juggling work? Is it my own family that I feel I am not spending enough time with?
Or is it something which I am constantly mediating and it just gets me.

Or maybe, it is just all of it!
I do not know.
I am constantly rushing for things. I realized that there are just so many things at the back of my head.

One thing for sure I do know is that I want to face this head on. I want to get over this, have a better quality of life and I want to do this for my family.
Most importantly for me. I want to be back like who I was.

I could not remember when I was the last time I was carefree. I am always so uptight today about everything.
To me, there is no point running away.

So if you have your small talks with me, this is mine to you.
I am not ashamed.
Yes, I am depressed and stress, unknowingly and I want to tackle this.

I love my family and the last thing I want to see is myself going through this.
Your prayers please.