I was contemplating which of the 2 blogs to write in.
This will be a solely personal note without any external factors influencing this entry.
I do not usually write how I feel, if you notice, but there are really some things which hit you every now and then.

It all began recently when I twirling my engagement ring around my finger, thinking how to respond one of my emails. I took a look at the ring and it hit me that I am 17 weeks engaged.
4 months & 1 week.

I calculated again.

How did the time fly?
It felt like it was only a month ago that I got engaged and yesterday that I woke up looking and beaming at my ring.
I have a beautiful engagement ring. The love and promise binded to it makes it even prettier.
Period.

Insya Allah, I am 1 year to my wedding.
To anyone in love, I would not recommend a long term engagement.
Get engaged and within 3 to 6 months, go get married.
Don't worry about the wedding plans. The wedding planner will have it all ready for you on your big day.
We both went against the advise of the habib of a short-term engagement. Worse, we postponed our wedding plans.

We were worrying about so many things.
What people will say when you get married too soon.
What people will say when the brothers and sisters get married within the same year.
(My brother and his sister got married to their own spouses within 2 weeks grace)
The wedding finances, since when I knew him then, he was a cadet pilot earning very little allowance.
We were afraid of too little preparation time only to find out recently from my wedding planner that I could start planning in March.

The dugaan we have during this engagement?
Subhanallah.

To my dearest fiance, he deemed that it only made us stronger as we go along.
That is the theory that made us continue the journey hand in hand.
We had a whirlwind relationship and got engaged even before knowing each other more than we or anyone should.
In fact, till today, we do not know the exact reason why we agreed to get engaged to be married.

It is crazy.

But you can never imagine what we have been through for the 17 weeks and before the engagement.
If you had followed my blog closely for 8 years, there were streams of guys I dated and because of that, you do not see the archives of this blog.

Those whom I dated for weeks or months or years.
Those who said they can't live without me and rather be alone and still ended up happy.
I remember confiding in a girlfriend many months back and she said something which hit me hard in the head.

"Mima, don't ever worry what will happen to them. They are men. They will be able to fend for themselves. If they said they will rather be alone than without you, bullshit."

My own fiance introduced me to Kelly Clarkson's 'Already Gone' a few weeks ago.

The song did remind me for a moment of my latest saga which is the worst of all kinds.
It was the most unimaginable the kind of pain the fiance had to face. The emotional war he had to fight for us.
I overlooked his kindness and protectiveness only because I was selfish.
But like the song, I am glad I did what I had to do.

As the pain cuts deeper, I decided that it was time for me to make a decision.
I never intended to hurt any party but yes, the best man did win.
With His grace, I am glad that I made a decision and archived the old love story without any hard feelings.
If it was a love story, it was not meant to last.

Today, I am more focused.

I raised from where I have fallen with so much guilt in me & the way I ignored my fiance's feelings.
Probably today, we are fixing the pain patches and not acknowledging the pain we still may have because it will not make things any better.
I was cursed never to be able to see happiness but I leave that in His hands.

We are both still face a lot of challenges today and anticipating more ahead but we are always more level-headed addressing them.
Things Insya Allah are looking up for us.
We are seeing the light with whatever we thought were impossible then.
Mom said it is rezeki orang nak dirikan rumahtangga.

Happiness is when I get to see my fiance's face.
He makes my heart smile.
I love our morning drives. Waking up early was never something I could do before I met him.
Today, the body clock automatically wakes me up at 7am.
I am all awake and fresh by the time I get out from my shower, always hurrying to get ready to see him.
I am always late no matter how fast I try to get ready and after 3 months, he never once lost his cool.

He will have my morning coffee ready in the car, looking all handsome, clean and in his shades, waiting for me.
The good morning greetings, the morning jokes or even dancing in the car at 8am, he never fail to make me look forward to another weekday morning.

It is true that it is always the littlest things that matter.

Today, I am loving him more than yesterday and will love him more tomorrow.
That is the reason why I am going to marry him.
I am in love.

Will you marry me Alfi Sohfian?