I have been writing up too many drafts but they mostly end up stranded in the draft inbox largely because I do not have the time to finish it up everytime I start.
By the time I plan to continue, I can't connect myself again with the entry in order to proceed writing.

I am in a situation where I do not know how to express myself anymore.
I have been distraught and worried
Frustrated and angry
Confused and lost

No, this time round it is definitely not PMS.
Everything circling around me is really overwhelming.
From Lovie's busy schedule and the minimal time we have, which is not enough,
To desperately meeting datelines at work with the very little time that I spend
Plus my grandma still in hospital, and all of the sudden is down with a high fever this everning. Just when doc said she is ready to be discharged.

So it is always the case where I am 'lost'.
No sense of direction.
Not knowing where to start and when to stop.
What to feel and how to react.

I'm exhausted having to juggle and balance life.
Worse, my patience runs thin super fast.
And I am hating every bit of it cos I dislike seeing myself in this situation.
I hate it when I lack control. Of my life, of my decisions, of my tone, of my facial expressions.

I kept asking "Why"
But I know I should not.



Enjoying God's gift


I must enjoy all the gifts that God gives me today. These gifts cannot be saved up. There is no bank in which we can place the gifts we receive from God in order to use them when we wish. If I do not make use of these blessings, I will lose them for ever.

God knows that we are all artists of life. One day, he gives us a chisel to make a sculpture, the next, brushes and a canvas, another day, he gives us a pen to write with. But we cannot use a chisel to paint a canvas or a pen to make a sculpture. Each day has its own miracle. I must accept today’s blessings in order to create what I have; if I do this with detachment and without guilt, tomorrow I will receive more.

- Paulo Coelho


I'm still trying.
I'm still trying to welcome things in, whether good or bad, taking them as daily blessings.

I know God is on my side. So is He on everyone else's.
He thinks I deserve this today, tomorrow & till whenever He decides.
But whatever it is, I never stop praying that I will pull through it all.

I am praying that in times when my confused state sets in, and God points out to me a chisel, He would give me an instint where to find the wood followed by opening up my heart to wonderful creativity.

That is how much direction I need now.