I am writing this with worries in my head


I met my old JC schoolmate on MSN.
It is really hard for people to find me on MSN cos i rarely log in now.
Seriously..
Except probably recently.

So anyway this classmate of mine asked me if i had attended any of the my college mates wedding.
And i said no..
*lol*
Probably cos i was too much in my own 'clan' at that point of time so that is why i wasnt invited.
Its ok.. we cant clique anyway at some point but i bear no grudges...
Its just that there isnt any chemistry so won't force anything out.


Just a few years back people start ask
"Ader boifren"
I'm always like,"ouh my god.."


Then now when most of my cousins are starting to get married and engaged,
Apparently there are no news on my family's side about any of us getting married.
And the first person they ask is me.
ME!
Of all people.. -_-
Cos probably the other two are still schooling and i am the only one working.
(ouh my god.. make me sound so old)

At first i was like
"ok lah.. orang ni dah takde benda nak bobual tanya pasal kahwin"
Then it gets more and more and more..


My mom said,"Intan please dont get pressured when people ask you when you will get married"
And i am like,"huh? no! biarlah diorang nak kahwin. I am not pressured to please the society"


And guess what... My mom is somehow pressured.. Hai anak pompuan dier tak kahwin kahwin..
*roll eyes*
But of course i have a targeted age of when i wanna get married.
Tak nak aku naik pelamin muka dah tua.. nanti pakai make up pun tak guna
*hahha*

Aiyah.. no hurry la these kinda things.
Even when Fzam asked me if he could propose an engagement, I just frown and said,"huh?For what?"
I think he was devastatedly taken aback.
I dont blame him.. But no i am not ready for any of these things

I told mom,"This time, once bitten twice shy"


I am scared with the ideology of marriage
Yes i am.. after being cheated by MEN time and again.


I came to a point that i become worse than paranoid.




Marriage is a lifetime commitment
I would put it as a 50 year contract..



So when i am married, for the next 50 years, i will have to
Sleep with him
See his face the first thing in the morning
Made sure he had his meals everyday
That he has clean clothes to wear
Keep track of his underwear and socks and makes sure that it is still wearable
Not to spend HIS money too much cos most of it will be needed for the house
(the ideology of my money is your money doesnt work anymore anywhere.Open your eyes and see)
seek approval from him with everything

For almost 30 years, i will have to
Bear his children
Raise them
Educate them
Ensure i am a good mother to them
And that my children will marry human beings


For almost 20 years i will have to bear with
His endropause
His nagging
His whining
His increasingly frequent snapping
His agitation


For almost 15 years i have to bear
Living with his parents
And this would mean a whole lot
No more waking up late
No more eating out all the time
No more having a maid unless it seems justifiable to them
Seemingly be preparing him breakfast before he heads to work
Whenever/If i am going to be screamed by my in-laws, i am to keep my mouth shut.
And have to be prepared that nobody would stand up for me




And dont talk about intrusion of privacy
There will always be intrusion of privacy
First the parents
Then the children
And then the grandchildren
So when is the time for me and my husband?


When i am old and fat and wrinkly, i will be so scared if my husband decides to settle for another one.
And what is going to happen to me?




So...
NO
I am not ready for marriage.
I am not comfortable moving away from my comfort zone



Let me do what i need to do first




Let me work.
Let me study.
Let me date.



Let me meet more people out there
and
Let me see the monsters out there




I have dated many men.
I have liked many men probably until the point that i might have fallen for them
And all of them left something for me.
HURT.




I wasted many portions of my youth trusting the men i am not supposed to trust
And so my paranoid develops further that it already is.




No i dont trust men
I dont trust when they say that they will never forget me as long as they live
I will never trust them when they said i have left a footprint in their hearts



Cos i am and will never be the only one in their life
*shake head*
Never




So stop sounding very romeo and juliet-y
But if you do please excuse my puking.





So will there be wedding bells for me in the end?
Yes of course....
So why the contradiction of the above?



Cos for now, the time is not yet ripe






When the right time, the right man, the right fit, the right chemistry comes in,
Yes i will get married.