Nightmare...

I have to blog this quick before I forget the details... And I am multi tasking so bear with me...

I had a nightmare last night..

I dreamt that I was happily shopping with my sister and mom and a few other ladies... until i received a phone call. A lady in her 50s who didnt want to disclose her identity.

She called to tell me that Zul has gotten married. Something that put me in a shock and spoiled my shopping mood. I ask the lady who she was but she never wanted to tell.. Some peranakan lady.. whom I may know of but have not met.

I asked her why I wasn't invited to the wedding. She mentioned that Zul didnt want me to be there. And I asked if his mom and nephews felt the same way and she said yes..
suddenly all of them turn their backs against me?
The boys and Nafisah whom I've grown to adored them and got emotionally attached?
Depressing.. But then again proly he's moved on far better off than me and I am definitely not what he wants.

My world somehow crumbled in my dream.. I woke up feeling down. Lucky dad knocked on the door to wake me up for sahur. I couldn't think...

I wonder what significance it has...

I would love to say so many things to him. But I won't. Cos he would never believe me. Cos he never understands the situation I am in and why. He never wants to listen anyway. He has said things that hurt a few days back. I kept in my head and it kept rewinding.

I went to JB and i saw a lot of accessories with the skull. The first thing that came to my mind was him. I would hold those stuffs and comtemplate in purchasing them... But I will always tell myself it is no point.

But he told me to get replace him something i bought for him before. He never asked me for anything. But he has lost it.. I was sad when he did..
I am still thinking.. should I?
He never answered my call the last time I called him. That was once and only once.. I wouldn't throw myself at him. Not anymore. Not because I stopped loving him. But I stop wanting to be his trash.
Throw me as and when he wants and take me in whenever he likes..

Damn.. so much mixed emotions..
Gawd!
Why? Why? Why?

He wouldn't understand. Nobody would understand..

Sigh...

Everyone would have loved and lost..
I did...