Her fever and rising blood pressure panicked me like crazy.
I knew she was having some kind of infection but at the same time I could not point a finger to what was wrong
During her stay in our place, all of us took note of her poo, pee and diet.
4 days went by without the doctors being able to find a diagnosis for Nyai.
Nyai's fever did not drop. Instead, there were times when her temperature rose to 40 degrees.
Her pulse was always over 110, which is very high for an elderly and blood pressure up to 165/107.
Those days and nights, I lived in fear of losing Nyai.
When I was at work, I called every 2 hours to find out Nyai's condition.
No change.
I met the the doctor on weekday mornings to find out more about her condition.
First suspected diagnosis:
Monday morning, 16th March 2009
Nyai had a kidney stone of 0.03mm in May 2008.
We knew about it and we were also informed that the stone is very tiny and can be flushed out through urine with the help of some medication.
Doctor suspected that the stone would have moved to another location in the kidney and collected some bacteria causing another series of urine infection.
Due to this possibility, the kidney is highly suspected to be infected with puss. Should the puss be outside/near the kidney, they will puncture Nyai's back and drain the puss.
Else, if puss is found in the kidney, they told us to think twice before deciding that the doctors should perform an operation on her due to her age and her history of stroke on her left side of her body.
The doctor promised that if there was anything life-threatening, he would immediately call me and not wait till the next morning.
The doctors had to have Nyai's scan delayed since the scanning room was fully booked.
I took it as the first sign.
She was eventually scheduled for an abdominal scan on 17th March 2008 at 2pm.
During her scanning time, I called her bed twice asking mom for updates.
3pm she was wheeled out again to be scanned.
This time we did not know what was the scan for. It got mom worried that she called me and told me about it.
Already worried, it got me more worried.
But I kept praying.
17th March 2009, 3.48pm
A phone call came when I was replying one of my mails in the office.
It was from the hospital but not from Nyai's bed.
I knew it would be a dreaded phone call.
I could not be more wrong.
The doctor introduced himself and I quickly pulled out a piece of paper, jotting down keywords of what he said. I needed to send the message across correctly.
Nyai's final Diagnosis:
Nyai's blood was found to have high acid levels due to her failing kidney.
The acid levels in turn cause her to breathe so hard, leading to the high reading in the blood pressure and pulse rate.
Then the doctor continued to explain that they did a second scan and found a tumour across her whole pelvic area.
Now, that stunned me. It struck me as the second sign.
Nyai, who has zero medical history, suddenly having a tumour.
Based on doctors' experiences, it is seen to be cancerous though he could not confirm.
I asked if he could run some tests but he said he needed to stablised Nyai first.
In any case, the doctor mentioned that Nyai is in a serious condition.
I was lost for words but I managed to ask him what are the options I can have.
I wasn't given much.
The doctors are giving her the strongest antibiotics to slow down or contain the infection until she stablises before they can decide on the next step forward.
He told me that that night was a critical time.
I asked him how much time do I have left and he said that Nyai may not live till end of the night.
He advised me to call the family members.
I thanked him and hung up the phone.
With my heart beating so fast, I didn't know what to do.
With God's grace, Lil' Sis phone call came in with the intention of asking me about her convocation.I broke down too terribly at my office table.
I made a few phone calls to dad & my grandaunties before heading out of the office within 30 minutes.
17th March 2009, 4.30pm:
The 4 of us were already at the hospital.
Nyai's legs were already cold.
I cried.
I did not think I could let her go and see my days without her.
I held her mobile hand and she was still rhythmically gripping me.
I didn't let her hand go. I kept telling her I was there.
I spent the next couple of hours talking to her, touching her and kissing her.
Among the things I said to her was,
"Nyai, if you want to fight, we will all be here for you but if you have to go, we will still be here for you."
I changed my sitting positions but never far from her.
I kept looking at the clock on the hospital wall.
17th March 2009, 7.10pm
I felt that I had to tell her the time so I said,"Nyai.. da marghrib tau. Baru masuk azan marghrib" and I stroked her hand.
The minute I said that, I knew she was going soon.
But I was suspecting it was going to be late at night when everyone would have left home.
People streamed in one group by another.
I wanted to get out of the mass of people and breathe some air.
Get my mind off those people who were chit-chatting near Nyai's bed.
I had to get my focus.
I left Nyai's bedside and walked down the corridor of the ward.
Dad caught up with me and I expressed to him that I just wanted Nyai to have an easy departure.
Seconds later, Lil' Sis caught up with me and dad and said that they just did a blood pressure check.
55/36.
I brisk walked back to Nyai's bed.
There were a few people there. Some waited nearby.
Mom told me that Nyai's blood pressure was low.
I told her in a low tone that it is time to seek forgiveness from Nyai and minta halalkan makan minum, susu and dosa-dosa.
She looked at me unable to accept the possibility that Nyai is going to leave.
It wasn't a time to explain logic and hit senses.
I just repeated myself and told dad & Lil' Sis to do the same thing.
I was the last one to do so.
The minute I finished seeking forgiveness from her, she began breathing differently.
I was at ease.
First step done.
Dad told everyone to stop talking. I looked at him in the eye and he bent down to recite La'illaha Ilallah.
I continued with reciting "Allah" so that there was no second that Nyai did not hear anything silence.
She seemed to be at ease at all times though her breathing pattern changed.
Me and dad did that for 3 to 5 mins and she lifted her eyelids open slowly. Very very very slowly and I knew that very second that it was time for her to go very soon.
I told mom the second Nyai opened her eye and mom was excited thinking that Nyai was on the path to recover.
Again, I opted not to explain.
I held Nyai's arm firm and continued with the recitation of "Allah".
She was tilted facing me.
Nyai looked at me and then at mom who was beside me.
She shifted her eyes and looked at me for a very long time. It shocked me as well as it shocked everyone who was there by her side.
I looked at her back in the eye - beyond the eye and kept reciting "Allah".
It was as if she is telling me that it is time for her to go.
I kept reciting "Allah" and through the eyes, replied to her to redha and that she had to return to Him.
I emphasized every word of Allah out of my mouth following her breathing pace when reciting Allah.
She looked around her bed slowly and return looking at me.
I cried but stopped immediately. I had to make sure that she is crossing over.
And made sure she made a proper cross-over.
Her nazak was what seemed like a cute baby yawn.
When the first once came, I had a feeling that she was going go by the third "yawn"
Slow and steady, she willingly relented to her final breath.
17th March 2009, 8.51pm:
She left.
We were only by her side for 10 to 15 minutes
I was happy.
In fact, I very estatic though I could not hide the tears of having one less person to kiss, touch and hold. One less person for me to tease.
But I knew she made a good crossover.
I am so proud of her.
I am so proud to be calling her my Nyai.
I did cry uncontrollably for a moment but got myself in control again to make sure that Nyai was going to have a dignified funeral.
lil' Sis and mom needed the most comforting.
While dad was making calls for Nyai's funeral arrangement, I was cleaning up her hospital bed place.
I could not bear and was not composed enough to clean Nyai because of the needles in her and had Nyai's niece to take over for me.
I will continue about her funeral in another post.
It is a lengthy event but I would still need to write it up for dismiss all fitnahs on Nyai when she was alive.
Especially the fitnahs deeming that Nyai put on susuk & baca mentera
(Yes that came from arwah's son)
It will be an entry for all to read and judge and use their sense of logic, if they have any.
I do not cry in open but I am missing Nyai so much that no words can justify.
It hurts deep.
I have promised her before she passed away that I'd stand by her and Insya Allah I will.
Thank you to those who have come for her funeral.
The turn-out was amazing despite a weekday.
Those who came to the hospital to help out the 4 of us.
Those who coordinated and helped with the Tahlil till today.
Those who supported the five of us emotionally & physically.
Those who have endlessly prayed for her.
Thank you to Alfi who was there every moment I needed him, despite we only know a couple of months. For all the support you have given my family and me. A very very enormous thank you.
I will only pray that Allah bless your kindness more than anyone could.
Though Nyai left, she still did not fail me.
She never would.
In loving memory of Nyai,
Aminah Bte Iksan
Al-Fateha
0 sent me a message:
Post a Comment