I could not bring myself to sleep.
In fact, I got up from bed and headed to the laptop cos the heart is feeling so heavy plus the asthma is not helping me.

Sometimes, I hate myself for having a good pictorial memory.
While it was really useful in schools and exams, especially Geography, I wish I can erase whatever I saw this afternoon.

They changed Nyai's dressing to the bed sore.
I was there.
When I saw it, I was only about 10cm away from it.

My heart shrunk.
My stomach continuously turn-turtle.
I held back my shock and tears.
All I could say was,"How could they let Nyai suffer in such a manner"

Tears trickled but I didn't want to be infecting my grandma even more.
I composed myself, quickly wore surgical gloves and helped the nurse to 'flush' Nyai's wounds.

Nyai winced in pain which was a good sign.
The area is not entirely 'dead' according to the nurse.
Still my heart winced with her.

I managed to get a good look at it.
Truth is, more than just my whole knuckle can fit in there.
I saw everything in there. All sorts of colours!

During dinner, I could not contain myself anymore that I burst out in public at the dinner table which was really shameful.
That got the whole family stunned and even more mad especially when they know that I am not the kind of girl who would just cry, what more break down.
Trust me, I can get whacked by my dad for a good 45 minutes non-stop and I still would not shed a tear.

Now, whenever I think of it, my heart gets heavy and tears streamed down.
Since, the asthma attack comes more often.
I just cannot be in a state of stress, anxiety and depression.

No one probably saw it like I did - except for the god damn maid.
How can she let it be!!
I am tearing as I am typing this one.
(I terribly apologise for being utterly emotional)

If I am the one seeing it, pains my heart, what more her who is facing it and having to embrace the pain.
Still, all I can do is continue praying for her that God takes compassion and elevate her pain.

Thank you to those who sent their well-wishes.

Thank you Insaf for understanding how I feel.

Thank you Nurul. I am so proud to have a nurse in the family. Thank you for all the advises and precaution I should take.

Thank you Nora for being there for me. Your morning sms-es and calls that tells me to keep going on for another day and another. Despite all of that, I knew I selfishly 'whined' at you when I too know that your grandpa has been hospitalised for a very long time. Thank you for the visit and I truly apologised for not being there.

Thanks Lovie for the 'last-minute' advises. You helped me spiritually - as always.

Thanks Lil' Sis. Thanks for the daily hugs and the kisses.
Without you, I may forget to laugh a little, joke a little, junk a little.
I look forward to you finishing work everyday, whether or not Nyai is in hospital.
You are my life
Thank you for being my strength.