Ho! Ho! Ho!

Merry Christmas to my fellow Christian friends!

i cant sleep at this hour still..
F@#K!
I am waiting and waiting for one to call upon arriving Melaka yet have not gotten anything.

Anyway forget about it.
Let him be.. This is what men always do to me
*sigh*
Things never change..
"God oh god, why such fate?"

But anyway, I had a good night...
Had supper-cum-dinner at the Concorde. My mom's favourite singer was there.
they are actually a band
percussion band which plays your song requests at your dinner table and you give them a huge tip thereafter
Mom loves the way he sings Broery Marantika's song 'Selamat Tinggal'
He'll go like,"Ijinkan aku pergi.."
*LOL*
And i'll just melt to when he sings that song.

I managed to ask for a song by Glenn Fredly, Januari.
And somehow it brought back memories of my past.
Recent past.
The time when i was dating my uncle, Zul
(yeah.. i think apparently i am not the only niece he dates)
I dun think i could ever get over the hurt when he left me.
Conceal the hurt, yeah probably..
In fact all the time.
Till today.

Then you peps might ask what the hell is Rizal there?
*shrug*
Then why plan to get married?
*shrug* cos people will have to anyway right? And i think he'd be of good better half for me in terms of family, upbringing, religion, character, so why not?
Then why the rush?
Huh? then wait? till when? for how long? and get hurt and dumped over and over, time and time again.
My mom said,"jangan sampai tangkap muat"
Don't worry mama.. I told her if the wedding dun take place, dun worry about me being sad.
See my mom is always worried of me feeling hopeless at the end of the day.
She asked why and i said,"Memanglah kiter ni plan nak kahwin. jadi ke tak jadi tu biarkan ajer la.. life will have to move on. terpaksa la diganti dgn yang baru"
mungkin ni senang cakap la.
but i wouldnt worry anymore.

I am always dumped.
For reasons that I didnt know
For reasons that I knew man just made it look like a reason and soon enough they'll find a replacement.
it does sound fucked-up.. and trust me i had enough of this feeling.
My relationship with Zul ended exactly after 18mths. He had it all planned.
Sickening.. It still gives me a punch in my stomach..
Oh he doesnt know how badly he's hurt me...
I didnt cry much during his departure cos i was used to men's departing in my life.
I would choke tears till now but never out from my eyes..
never...
But i still feel the scar bleeding....

people ask me why i got my replacement so fast and i said,"you think these men will not start looking around for another one?Move on as fast as they do.whether it is the right one you moved on with is a later issue. Just don't get yourself depressed.
That's why I said i conceal it well.. with the appearance of Rizal in my life.
Of course i felt depressed when Zul left but i promised not to let it show.
Just like in one of Mariah Carey's song i heard awhile back
"Well i guess im trying to be nonchalant about it
but i'm gng to extremes to prove im fine without you
but in reality i'm slowly losing my mind,
underneath the disguise of smile
gradually i'm dying inside.
friends ask me how i feel
and I lie convincingly
Cos I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering.
So i wear my disguise
till i go home at night and turn down all the lights
And then i break down and cry" -Breakdown

Yeah that is me. still me i think...
Zul's now dating a pretty chic 15yrs his junior.(I'm 10 yrs his junior)
Well.. well.. well..
Somehow it made me feel old.Ho!Ho!
I don't know how else to feel..
But i have to stay focus. He is not the guy whom i know before or when i was a kid when i called him 'Abang Damai'.

I'm still going to wear that mask around. I won't show. I will never show.
See my face and I am gng to smile and be chirpy.
Don't ask me how i'll get over him. Probably time will do its job.
Probably Rizal
*shrug*
i have no idea

But i know one thing for sure,
while this hurt carries on, i have a life to live.
I have no choice but to carry the hurt and bring it along my life journey.
Probably the saddest thing is Zul doesnt know the intensity of pain he's inflicted on me.

"God? Is it so hard to be happy? Pls tell me that there's a chance.."

I wish people would understand why i end up writing this blog.
I have been wanting to let out whatever that was inside me.
Probably there are some who'd get mad at this entry.
let it be..
Some would get upset about my liberal thoughts.
let it be..
Cos i dont give a damn.
why?
Cos nobody ended up being there for me when i was crumbling into depression.

*putting back my mask*
"Merry Christmas everyone!!"
"Ho!Ho!Ho!"